Author: House Panther

I’m going to start off the adjustment to my new reality by limiting my soda intake to no more than two 12oz cans of diet soda per week. I’m going to drink water as my primary source of hydration. I’m going to take the opportunity to make some lemonade out of the lemons I’ve been handed. I think I might have ulcers from the poor choices I’ve made. But, as they say, the only hole you can’t dig yourself out of is the grave.

I don’t know what I am doing or where my journey will head but the next step is some personal finance education. I’ll do that tomorrow and learn how to create a budget. I’ll use YouTube to teach me everything my father never did. I’m going to be able to save more money instead of not knowing where it’s going. I’m going to think carefully and live with my head not in the sand.

This is already helping me to feel better. Maybe I will feel like I have more control over my life. Perhaps I won’t feel as if I am so subject to the whims of the man. My earnings will matter more and I’ll build some self-esteem and a sense of pride an accomplishment for learning on my own.

I won’t be able to afford Uber this week, I won’t be able to afford the security class, and finally my job is going to be eliminated. I just won’t even be able to go back to school come the fall. Since my position is being eliminated, I have some tasks to do and they’re daunting. I’m going to list them here.

My shift was quiet last night so I went through my bank statements and my jaw dropped. I’m spending a lot of money on streaming services, GrubHub, Uber, Lyft, Murphs Irish Pub, and a few other things. Let’s just say it was enlightening.

I just got home from work and I’m lying in bed thinking about how I’m going to have to experience some short term pain and maybe grow up.

• Learn how to develop a budget from YouTube.
• Create a cash flow to better understand where my money is going.
• Develop a budget from this and stick to it. I’ll stock away 50.00 from every paycheck going forward.
• I deleted GrubHub from my phone. I’m doing Walmart orders.

More to think any when I’m lucid. Maybe some short term pain is in order.

I’m not sleeping well and things are not improving as I had hoped that they would. It may just take some time to adapt but I hope it won’t take too much longer. At least my course of action is now set. I’ve made the firm choice to get my Delaware Red Card starting this weekend. I think this will open some doors toward more money.

I just have to make it through the next two days until the start of the class. I am still very conflicted over what to do though. On one hand, I think the better move might be full time Uber as that could the faster path towards starting my IT training and educational school.

Here is my internal struggle: Purely doing Uber to raise money for my IT training and education school might help things starts faster. But it’s riskier because I’ll have one source of income. It might be better to do 2 days a week of armed security for the sure fire some of money and then use the remaining five to use Uber to raise money for the main venture.

This is not an easy choice to make towards the end goal. If one path does not work out, I can always try the other.

Sometimes simply making a genuine effort to be friendly lifts me out of the doldrums. It definitely did today. I was really hoping to be sitting at a desk for my shift but I found the interaction with people to be uplifting. Well that was until the stupidity of my employer. Now it looks like I am just going to have to follow through with some plans for improving my situation.

I don’t like struggling and I am way too old for hustle culture. But what am I supposed to do when I am washed up and over the hill? The United States is simply a cruel country. The differences between parties, while stark, don’t really matter when it comes to rugged capitalism. Both sides agree that you either have money or work until you die. Right now things look bleak.

So yes, I’m going to make the effort. I’m going to spend money I don’t have to go to an armed security class with the hopes that I could be in a better place financially. It’s either that or begin Uber. I don’t know which makes more sense. I’ll get the armed license. It’s the course of action I’m committed to. All I know is that I’m tired and feel depression creeping back in because I can’t use THC. It was the only thing that kept me from being depressed.

No THC makes the daily effort that much harder; the struggle even more so. Now I just have my blog to get the swirling thoughts out of my head. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I had a surprisingly rough day mentally yesterday. It all kind of took a nose dive when I found out from my good friend Jim that he had been laid off due to some kind of corporate restructuring. He said that his boss manager told him that it was nothing that he had done wrong. I originally wrote boss and scratched that out because we are our own bosses. Jim is my best friend so that was naturally a gut punch for me because I am an empath. And then I got into it with my manager.

My manager keeps asking me to stay later or pick up more hours. I am starting to stand up to him because this is getting to be a lot more than I bargained for and I am just learning to say, “No” without any guilt. I mean I am always polite about it but I am standing my ground. Well this has showed my manager’s true colors when he barked back at me via a text message which I simply summarily ignored. But my blood was boiling. I feel like the proverbial donkey with the stick and carrot. He keeps promising me things that just never appear and I am finished.

It feels like I am in a financial hole that I just cannot dig myself out of. It is like the sides of the hole are greased so each time I try, I fall back down. I cannot make it on the chump change that my security job is paying me. It is very frustrating. I realize that there are people worse off than myself and maybe a little gratitude is in order but I just don’t feel any. Why should I be grateful for scraps thrown at me in return for the exploitation of my mind and body? There is no dignity in forced work and Good Will Industries is wrong in their slogan about work.

I really wanted to attend the armed security class but it now might make more sense to simply start my Uber venture. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. I am stuck in indecision and I have Denisse and her Phlebotomy course on my mind. I want her to succeed and I am cheering her own. Believe me, I am cheering her on.

At least today’s shift will be pretty easy. I’ll be sitting at a loading dock for 4 hours. I’ll have to watch the loading dock cameras so that I can open/close the garage door for vendors coming to the building. This still leaves me with time to work on my laptop or phone. I wish I didn’t feel so depressed and anxious at the moment. It is amazing what THC does for me. I don’t have to use it everyday – once or twice a week – and I feel so much better than all of the Big Pharma crap being cooked up.

There are some days where I am scared that I’ll snap. However, I am reigned in by my love for Denisse. She reminds me silently that I no longer live for myself and that I live for the both of us. For the life of me, I don’t know how I’ve made it as long as I have. A shitty psychiatrist once attributed to some innate stubbornness that refuses to let me go. Well, that gave me a chuckle because he’s not incorrect.

Today the mission is just to make it through and to survive another day in this Trump World hellscape called America. I have a choice: I can become bitter and take it out on others or I can make some of this pressure turn coal into diamonds. I hate the expression because it is what the wealthy use as their stick and carrot for us donkeys.

At the very least, I like the site where I occasionally fill in because the people there are cool. They make it kind of fun and lighthearted. I admire their ability to remain cheery in spite of the stress of living in America. The energy that these fellow security guards give off makes it so that, at the end of the shift, I don’t feel tired, bitter, or angry.