Author: House Panther

I need a day of rest today. I’m not exhausted but I am tired from working 40 hours in 4 days. I’m not really used to this so I need a recovery day. Concentration continues to be very difficult. I found myself whiling away the hours mindlessly on social media at work yesterday. It wasn’t the most productive day.

I’d like to get some work done tomorrow morning so I will do that. Time is going by fast and I don’t want a window of opportunity to close. I need at least a minimal launch of my website. I’m finding myself stuck in perfection being the enemy of progress.

I would like to at least get more organized about the process. Geesh! Here I am in a stuck state. I want to be kinder to myself. I’m so hard on myself that it is a progress blocker. My therapist would advise me to engage in some self praise; find the good inside and bring it out.

Today will be a self-care day. I will catch up on sleep and be ready for a productive morning tomorrow. I just realized that I have a discussion tool that I can use to “vibe out” a website design. I don’t really need AI to help me code out a website. I need help with the design. I know I’m getting into uncharted waters. This is where AI could help me flesh out things like layouts, color palettes, etc.

The trouble is that AI doesn’t feel natural to me yet. I have to think about how I can utilize the tool to achieve some results.

Another day and another security shift. But this one I don’t mind because it is 8 hours of peace and quiet. I only really have one duty which is to sit at the lobby security desk as the building is completely locked down. This will give me freedom and time to work on my business. It is a shame that I don’t really have the concentration to do much at the moment. That doesn’t mean things won’t change later though so I’ll ride it out.

Right now I feel like zoning out. It’s been a minute since I’ve put in a 40 hour work week at a job so I am feeling pretty tired. But I really don’t mind the site where I am at and the extra money is helpful. I know I want to be able to get a car of some sort again – even if it is a shit box on wheels. Ideally though, I am thinking of a Chevy Bolt EUV Premier. I don’t have to muck with things like gasoline or oil changes. The transmission on those things is a 1 speeder with forward, reverse, and park which means less to really fail.

At least the coming week won’t be quite as long as I will only be working for 32 hours. That should be more manageable and I will be getting paid this Friday. Pay day is almost always a good day. I say almost because of the amount of taxes being taken out of the pay check. It makes me grumble because the wealthy get away with paying a lot less than the working class do. The opposite should be true, but in ‘murica, that’s rarely the case.

I want to work on my business but it just isn’t going to happen at the moment. I need some more freaking sleep!

I really needed extra sleep today and it felt good to get some. I had an odd dream where I was watching tornadoes go by like a freight train. It wasn’t frightening however. It was kind of fascinating and beautiful. I also dreamt that the moon came out during one of the storms. Again, it was oddly peaceful.

I spent a good deal of time yesterday trying to understand why I could not, for the life of me, figure out why my self-signed security certificate did not work. I need an internal certificate authority for some apps never meant to be accessed externally. Well that problem was solved when I tried not specifying key usage on the authority certificate.

Now I’m ready to do some development work. I’ll be more in production mode today and less in troubleshooting. I have created a 10 year certificate authority and issued a whole bunch of certificates for various internal apps/processes.

I have officially reached the point of top geek for having my own internal authoritative DNS server and private certificate authority. It’s been kind of fun and a lot of learning.

I’m tired but happy that I will be going to work at the site that I like. I don’t mind providing security at local government building on weekends. I’m all by myself from 3-11 which means I can relax, take my time, and watch some movies. It will be getting paid to relax.

I think this afternoon I may work on my business for a little bit. I’ve set up a development environment on my laptop and I’d like to get a basic website designed. Then I can deploy it and check off an item on the todo list. Even if the first version is basically an electronic brochure, I am okay with that. I don’t want perfection to be the enemy of progress.

I started meditation this morning but couldn’t really do more than five minutes. That’s okay and a good start. Part of the problem was an upset stomach this morning so I couldn’t truly get comfortable. But again it is progress.

Now if Walmart will simply deliver my food!

This is going to be one long rant so just skip it if you don’t want to read. This day has been craptastic. My job sends me to the wrong site so I have to pay extra money to go to the correct site. I ask if they could give me a little help and the answer is almost always no. This will be the last double shift that I ever do for this company. They can figure it out.

The only reason I agreed to do the double shift in the first place is because I was under the impression that I wouldn’t have to stand from 8-4. Now when midnight rolls around I am going to be tired beyond all reason. I hate that companies think they own me. Two words: fuck that. The only freedumb in America is for one to be exploited.

More people need to stand up for their rights. Damn I am in a foul mood! I feel like baiting someone into an argument. I’m in rare form and spoiling for a fight. I wonder if I am just going to snap. Yeah wouldn’t that be a sight to see.

At least I have something to look forward to tomorrow morning. I cannot wait to sit in zazen for a bit. It’s been a long time since I’ve practiced Zen meditation so I don’t expect any immediate benefits. In fact, I may have difficulty letting everything flow through me unheeded and unacknowledged. Zen takes a certain amount of patience and stoicism. I hope that it will be like riding a bike and I can pick up where I left off.

I guess if I could manage 15-30 minutes that would be great. I want to quiet my mind and this is the way. Medication does not work as I’ve been diagnosed with treatment resistant major depressive disorder. Meditation was the answer a decade ago. I remember after doing it for a month I began to have tangible benefits. I remember being utterly relaxed and filled with joy and gratitude without any substances.

Basically, I need to take actions. Instead of telling myself I am going to meditate eventually, I’ve come up with the exact time frame.