Category: Mental Health

I’m having a better day today than I’ve had all week, and ironically, it’s Friday, February 13th. I got a late start on blogging but I guess I don’t have all that much to say. I did have a nice discussion with Denisse this morning.

Last night, on a whim driven by the state of misery I was in, I explored the possibility of buying an electric car to use for Uber. I was surprised to find that it is very feasible and would be less expensive than renting a car weekly. I talked with Denisse and she seemed on board with the idea.

I just need to crunch the numbers to see if they will work out in my favor. I really don’t know what to find and how to plan this. I’ll just have to employ some of my newfound skills with a spreadsheet. I’ve discovered that some of this financial planning is not as difficult or overwhelming as it seems. This doesn’t mean I won’t use a professional financial planner one day soon but I am good for the time being.

The more I sit down to think about the system, the more I remain convinced that it is rigged to benefit the select few. But like all systems designed by human beings, there are flaws that can be exploited. The key is knowledge-seeking. How do I use their system to benefit me? This is a good question everyone working for a living should ask. I don’t necessarily mind working. I do, however, mind being exploited. This is driving me to seek out better opportunities for myself and Denisse.

The world is very confusing for autistic people. I’m on the spectrum and I battle with understanding my place in the world because I’ve never mastered the fine art of balance. My thinking is very black and white and I don’t deal well with ambiguity. I’m confused and tired. The world is a loud place.

It feels like I have to scream into the void and I still never get heard. I never made the transition into adulthood very well. I know I’m not the only one. I’m left feeling like I should not be suffering because I’m a good person. Why do utter vacuous shit birds like Donald Trump and Elon Musk not suffer?! I’m sick of the unfairness.

My mom is also really going downhill fast. The Alzheimer’s is progressing very quickly. I can feel and see her suffering badly. I don’t want her to live like this. Alzheimer’s is a cruel disease.

The title pretty much sums it up. I’m done! I’ve had it up to here with how difficult it is to live in the United States. I guess I’m learning how difficult AI makes things for the working class. AI benefits the billionaire class and large corporations. It makes doing business very difficult if you’re just plebeian.

AI makes it easier for the wealthy and corporations to charge money for a service they’re not actually providing. AI makes it easier for the wealthy to basically steal more money from us. I feel like a victim and I’ve had enough of being one. I advocate stealing back what was stolen from us.

I’m going to fuck around at work and collect my paycheck. I’m not going to do crap to help anyone. Let them send me home! I don’t care anymore and it’s relieving. I’m just going to do what benefits me and my family. I’m done being a people-pleaser. You don’t like me? Wipe your ass with sandpaper for all I care.

Every decision I make must be to benefit myself and my family. If you are asking me to do something that won’t provide an actual financial benefit to me, then the answer is, “No thank you. But good luck with that.” 🤣 I’m laughing and feeling free at the same time. Freedom is knowing what you’re worth and not accepting less than that. I’m starting to realize my worth.

I’m surprised that I am actually feeling good today. Yes, I do have to go to work but I’m oddly okay with it. I cannot really explain the good feeling but I definitely won’t bemoan it. Instead, I’m just going to ride it out and hope it lasts all day.

Some of this good feeling has got to be related to restarting the use of THC. Nothing else seems to work but I want to be very careful and not overuse. I also have to make a plan for Saturday. I want to work on my business and be ready for the coming week.

I’ll park my happy ass at the North Wilmington Branch Library for a couple of hours on Saturday and be as productive as I can. I would like to work on the technology side of business.

Yet here we are in the United States where everything and everyone is seen as a business transaction. I don’t like it but I don’t have the power to fight city hall. Instead, I’m going to make decisions that best benefit myself and Denisse.

My manager asked me to work a 10a-4p shift. I took a very powerful moment to decide carefully if this is what I really want and will it benefit me. I needed to make up money I lost yesterday due to the Uber debacle. A quick calculation with transit costs revealed that I would make up what I lost with a little extra so I agreed. I used to just agree to help out because I am, by nature, a people pleaser so this was a huge step in taking back my power.

I like being more careful in my decision making and I like considering the needs of me and my family first. Being a people pleaser caused me to be easily taken advantage of in corporate. People pleasing ate away at my mental health like acid chews through metals.

I plan to give Uber another try on Monday. I’ve got what I think is a solid plan but I’m going to have all of my i’s dotted and t’s crossed. For now, I have 23.5 hours until my next security guard shift. The plan is to relax and spend quality time with my baby girl.