Black Cat Blog

Yesterday was absolutely craptastic so I am hoping today will be better. I’m hoping that I will be a better person as well. I got upset at Denisse over an absolutely petty thing forgetting that she is still in a fragile emotional state; recovering from mental health relapse.

I’m the asshole here and I’m saying it out of pure recognition. Denisse thought I wanted her out of my life when absolutely nothing could be further from the truth. Denisse is my angel. I don’t want her gone. She’s going to have to get rid of me and then I would be really sad.

I know that as I progress in therapy, my anger levels will reduce and I will become more patient. This is going to take a lot of practice but it’s something that I have the ability to do. So I have my eyes set on today and the future. I’m trying not to let the current political and economic climate of the US dampen my spirits. I have a game plan and I am willing to fight the Trump Administration at every turn. In fact, when I finally have a business of my own, I shall have a special statement on DEI and the importance that the LGBTQ+ community has on the community at large. Because it is the truth and more than just words.

My security guard job on the weekends is really starting to irritate me. I would leave but the pay is good at $20/hr. I am a contracted security guard which means that I work for a security company that places me at a site to provide security. The site where I am assigned hasn’t really ever figured out how security works in their operations or what role they want it to do. Hence it’s more performative than anything. I hate job grey areas like this! It’s not good for my autistic mind which prefers more clarity.

I’m thinking of putting out the feelers for another job, maybe this one as a gate guard or an office building guard. I know I’ll take a cut in pay but the scope of duties will be clearer and simpler. This is perhaps something I would like at the moment. Admittedly, I’m torn because on one hand a devil you know…

I think I have to also start figuring out a budget because I’d like to save some money for a laptop for school. Ideally I’d like a MacBook Pro. That’s been on my mind as well. Well, to start with I’ve got to stop with the GrubHub shit I’m doing for myself. That’s just pissing money away. Denisse is right. I need to be managing my money better.

Here’s an idea! Practicing personal finance will help build necessary skills for running a business in the future. It’s not really a novel idea either. Just a matter of taking the time out to do it.

I have decided to begin journaling again because I have to get the anxiety and depression under some form of control and medication and therapy alone are not doing the trick. I know that writing has helped in the past so I know it is time to start up the process again. I hope I am not as bad off as I feel but the voice in my head has me believing that I am teetering on collapse and that just cannot happen. I cannot allow this to happen at all.

The one thing the voice in my head is not incorrect about is that my blood sugar is out of control again. I have to make my virtual appointment with Shannon and get back on my insulin regimen. This is important for both mental and physical health. I don’t want to die early. So I’ll get a Shannon to phone in a prescription for Lantus for me and get started on that immediately. Ozempic just wasn’t working and I ignored the everything. But I am turning the self blame off. The self blame is only making me externally angry and internally very sad.

I am beating myself up and telling myself over and over again, “How can I be a good clinician when I cannot even manage my own life!?” Well, thought re-framing has never worked for me so it is time to listen to my therapist and he came up with a good technique. His technique was to give this inner voice a name. And so I did. This inner voice is named Ray. Something simple and and anonymous. So right now I am practicing telling Ray to fuck off and go away. So this is me telling Ray to fuck off and go away.

The reality on the ground is that I did awesome. I got accepted to the MSW program at the University of Delaware. I am going to have a great pacticum experience and I am going to do a great job at whatever practicum I land. I will make a difference at whatever organization I end up at. I am going to succeed because I am smart and capable. My immediate problems are manageable. When I look at things rationally, I don’t have much to be immediately stressed about. Ray is telling me to be stressed out and I need Ray to fuck off and go away before he literally kills me.

I am also feeling really down on myself about my part time job as a security guard. Ray is telling me that I am a fuck up and deserve to be pigeon-holed in this job. Yes, I don’t like the job and it is thankless and demoralizing but it’s nothing I deserve and is only temporary. It isn’t punishment for past mistakes and it is something that I can do. I mean it is so boring that it is actually stress-inducing if that is actually a thing. I don’t really know but Ray needs to go away. I really wish I could find a security guard job that is just a desk job somewhere where I wouldn’t have as many duties.

I know this is getting long and rambling but it’s starting to feel a whole helluva lot better right now. I just need to make it through the grind until classes begin on August 26th. I’ve also got a nice long term plan that I am working on with rather defined milestones. I’m planning that all will go well and I will graduate from the University of Delaware in 2027. Immediately after graduation, I will sit for the licensing exam of the LMSW (Licensed Master Social Worker) so I can hit the ground running and gain employment in a clinical setting. From there, I plan to spend 2 years building my supervised hours to 3200 so that I can sit for the LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) exam and open my own therapy practice. This is my 5 year plan.

Now Ray is telling me that I’ll never make it. I’ll fail at business like I have before. The reason I did not succeed at business before is honestly because I did not go about things the right way. I have learned a whole lot since. Yes, I failed at three times prior but now I know truly what I did wrong and this time I believe I can make it work because I have plenty of time to do a lot of research beforehand and slowly and steadily formulate a plan.

So I am having racing thoughts this morning as a lot is happening. I am really concerned about my girlfriend, Denisse. I am worried about her future as well as mine. We have to make a trip back up into Pennsylvania to get a letter from the Department of Human Services stopping her benefits so we can get benefits started in Delaware. The unknown variable is how long it will take Delaware’s Department of Health and Social Services to get benefits started for her. I am also worried that she might end up completely homeless here in Delaware; without even a roof over her head. So my brain is going a million and a half miles per hour.

It is so needlessly difficult being poor (or for that matter, even working class) in the United States. The United States punishes people for being impoverished, disabled, and being both. It absolutely sickens me. I just hope that I can get services for Denisse before the clock runs out on her motel room because I fear I cannot afford to put her up for much longer. I need Delaware’s Department of Health and Social Services to be fast and charitable and I have some hope that they will be. But if they aren’t, I fear Denisse may end up on the streets. I am scrambling to think of ways to avoid this because she won’t last a day on living on the streets.

I am scared for her but I must not show this fear to her because I must be her rock during these difficult times. I took on this personal commitment to her and I fully intend to see it through. I am afraid of failing her. I am pulling out as many stops as I can to help her and I am going to continue to try and think of solutions but I am almost out of ideas. I would have her stay with me but I cannot risk my own housing situation. I am so angry at the country I live in. Things are just so incredibly unfair! I really wish I could do more. Why is it that people like me who have the least amount to give often give the most!?

My brain is just all over the place today. I know I haven’t blogged in a while and I think the reason is that mostly things have been going well and I haven’t had much to say but today my thoughts are racing and I have to get them out of my head; in between the election, moving, and anxiety. Here goes my stream of consciousness. Hope you enjoy the ride.

I am excited and nervous about moving in with my girlfriend. I know she is going to whip me into shape about staying organized and keeping my stuff neat and clean. I think she will be good for me. I hope I will be good for her. I hope the two of us will be able to make this work. This is a big life’s step for me because at 47 years old, I’ve never lived with a woman before. I’ve always been something of a late bloomer and I love my girlfriend for not judging me for this.

Now for the actual moving part, I just cannot seem to get my ass in gear right now. I still have some packing to do and the fucking movers are coming at noon today. I am in a tizzy and I don’t handle change (even good change) all that well. Fortunately, a lot of my stuff is packed. I just have a little bit to do. I also have to get to the bank to take out some money so that I can pay the movers. That won’t be hard.

Now for the election – I feel a deep sense of hopelessness about the country I live in. I think this is fueling some of the anxiety I am feeling. I just don’t know what Trump is going to do to fully wreck the economy and the country. So much unknown is making living in the present incredibly challenging right now. I just cannot understand how so many people in the US are racist, bigoted, xenophobic, and transphobic. It’s simply beyond my understanding. I guess in times like these we really have to lean on our family, friends, and loved ones and stick close together. It is our relationships that will carry us through.

I’m writing this today because I’m prime time in love for the first time in my life. It’s official now that I love my girlfriend Denisse. She means the world to me. I love her because she has accepted me for who I am. She is not critical of my awkwardness and my flaws. Her acceptance of me has made me so very happy. It’s a feeling that just about defies description.

I know that Denisse is suffering from depression right now and I really want to care for her. I understand depression because I suffer from major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I love her so much that I have made a commitment to be her rock while she goes through this. I’m going to keep reassuring her how much she means to me and how happy she has made me.

The one thing that has kept me going through depressive episodes is knowing that I’ve had someone care about me without condition. I must and will do the same for Denisse. She needs to know that I will be there for her without condition and I have let her know and my actions will reflect this. I keep telling her that we are on this journey together and together we will get through this.

I believe that when we love someone we love them through the best of times and the hardest of times. I will be there for Denisse 100% and nothing less will do. These difficult times shall pass!

I had a fantastic time with Denisse. She’s a really good person and kind and compassionate. We got a lot done in a short period of time including moving her from Hanover, PA to New Castle, DE. All of this moving has not been easy on her and I have nothing but admiration for her courage and strength. What she has gone through would easily have broken me in half. Since strangers helped me out with a thousand dollar medication that I needed several years ago, I decided that it was time to pay back that kindness so I paid for a motel room for Denisse for two weeks in Delaware which was what I could afford.

I sincerely hope we can get her situated in a shelter and get her on the road towards stability soon. She’s not in an easy situation at all and I am finding myself missing her already even though it was just yesterday that our trip ended. I am going to see her again on Tuesday and spend the night with her. When I see her, we may run some more errands and go bowling and see Beetlejuice. I am already excited about it. I know she’s lonely as she doesn’t know anybody in Delaware so it is up to me to be reliable and be her rock. I like being her rock.

Being Denisse’s rock gives me a sense of purpose when I would otherwise feel none. Suffering from major depressive disorder is certainly not easy and having someone to care about, I’ve found, lifts the depression significantly. I’ve always wanted to be the guy that rescues a girl and this I figured was my chance. She rescued my heart in many ways too. I am feeling so many different feelings right now and it is kind of exciting.

I just want to be a good boyfriend to her. I want to be the man that is caring, compassionate, and kind. I want to be the boyfriend that she’s never had; one who’s not abusive in any way shape or form. I may make my share of mistakes and I may make her angry at some point but I will never do anything to harm her. I never want to do anything to harm her. I think I am in love.

Mornings are now getting much easier since my doctor added Topamax to my medication regimen. I am doing a lot better now and it is really cheering me up as I am normally cheery in the morning when I am doing well. When I am not doing well, I am grouchy in the morning. So things are really looking up and I am happy about that.

Topamax is not strictly an an antidepressant but instead it is commonly used to treat migraine headaches. However, it has an off-label use for people like myself with PTSD related nightmares. Topamax works beautifully to stop these nightmares and instead give me only very mild dreams so I wake up feeling rested and thus cheerful and positive. I feel ready to tackle the day.

I’m looking forward to chatting with Denisse again today and to studying my Red Hat material. I really want to make it my goal to be ready to sit for the Red Hat certification exam in November if possible. If I don’t have some sort of goal, I fear that I won’t commit to studying regularly. But I can make things open-ended so if I am not ready come November it won’t be the end of the world.

I am feeling stressed and anxious this morning. Money is especially tight this month and it is making my anxiety very high. That and I am having to fight my health insurance company because they are not paying what they are supposed to be paying under the terms of Medicare Plan N and I just do not know how to fight them. I may have to forgo talk therapy this year until I can get on a Medicare Advantage plan. This is not going to do my mental health any justice whatsoever.

I briefly thought of going back to work full time but I nixed it because I don’t have a means of getting to and from work. The management trainee program that I considered applying to at Enterprise Rent a Car does not offer the take home car program. The take home car program is only for branch managers, not for assistant managers. So I would still be in the poor house. This was a sad disappointment.

I am between a rock and a hard place because even if I could go back to work, I cannot afford the transportation to and from work right now. I think I’ll just have to stay on disability for while longer. I am reminded that once in poverty, society makes it so much harder to climb out of it and I am at a loss for reasons why. You would think that it would be better to offer services to to get people out of poverty and help them be productive because it would be ultimately less expensive but society in the United States doses not work that way.

I am stressed out, frustrated, and sad. Jobs in IT right now are scarce and the economy isn’t real great right now where I live. I just don’t know what I am going to do other than to continue to trudge along collecting the miserly amount that I am on Social Security Disability. I don’t know what else to do. I am also angry at the system and angry at the Republicans. I am angry at my father who got scammed out of 78,000.00 when we warned him it was a scam and told him not to do it. Some of that money could have gotten me a car! It could have helped me get back on my feet.

All I want to do is sleep today away. I feel simply knocked out by life, like I have no bandwidth left at all. I want to do some studying of Red Hat Linux but I cannot muster the concentration so I am not even going to try. I think I am just going to ride these feelings out and maybe try later on today, possibly in the afternoon. But right now I am in no mood and forcing myself to do any work won’t do any good because I won’t retain any information.

Unfortunately, I have had to make a rather critical decision to cancel my Medicare supplemental insurance because I just cannot afford 354.00 per month on Social Security Disability. This will mean having to forgo mental health therapy for the rest of the year as I just will not be able to afford it. Literally it has come down to being able to afford food and rent or talk therapy. I think food and rent are far more important than therapy at the moment. I hate this country.

There is some back story to all of this. Back when I went out on Social Security Disability for the second time (April of this year), the first mistake I made was to follow my father’s advise and contact United Medicare Advisors for assistance in choosing a Medicare supplement plan. These “advisors” are scammy. They want to sell you the highest cost plan so that they earn the highest commissions. The second mistake I made was to actually trust the “advisor.” Had I done a little shopping on my own, I would have discovered a Medicare Advantage plan that would have only cost me 39.00 a month and would have covered everything I need through Highmark Blue Cross Blue Shield.

I know Medicare Advantage is often buyer beware but I did my homework (after the fact) and this would have covered all of my medical needs and more. So I will have to restart talk therapy after the first of the year when I will be able to afford it again because of the lower cost Medicare Advantage Highmark Freedom PPO. Poverty is so difficult. The choice between seeking care for mental illness and basic life’s necessities is a difficult one.