Black Cat Blog

This morning I feel really moved to write to write a blog entry about the kindness and generosity of my brother, and by extension, his wife. The two of them have allowed me and my girlfriend, Denisse, to move into the apartment that they have vacant and have allowed us to start paying rent effective December 1st even though we will be occupying it a little more than a month before then. My brother and his wife have done us a tremendous favor. I only hope that one day I can be there for him when he needs help.

I truly believe that when we perform acts of kindness for others, we get kindness returned back. I basically rescued Denisse from a bad situation and helped to get her through a rough time. Now the two of us will be living together and enriching each other’s lives. I am really looking forward to the future for the first time in a very long time. My brother made it possible for Denisse to get back on her feet. He made it possible for me to move out of this uncomfortable living situation that I am currently in.

Now my next task is to get a part time job once I move in to the apartment. I want to earn beneath the substantial gainful activity threshold and keep my Social Security Disability for the time being. That will provide enough money for me to live in stable poverty and afford all of my basic needs without stress.

My brain is just all over the place today. I know I haven’t blogged in a while and I think the reason is that mostly things have been going well and I haven’t had much to say but today my thoughts are racing and I have to get them out of my head; in between the election, moving, and anxiety. Here goes my stream of consciousness. Hope you enjoy the ride.

I am excited and nervous about moving in with my girlfriend. I know she is going to whip me into shape about staying organized and keeping my stuff neat and clean. I think she will be good for me. I hope I will be good for her. I hope the two of us will be able to make this work. This is a big life’s step for me because at 47 years old, I’ve never lived with a woman before. I’ve always been something of a late bloomer and I love my girlfriend for not judging me for this.

Now for the actual moving part, I just cannot seem to get my ass in gear right now. I still have some packing to do and the fucking movers are coming at noon today. I am in a tizzy and I don’t handle change (even good change) all that well. Fortunately, a lot of my stuff is packed. I just have a little bit to do. I also have to get to the bank to take out some money so that I can pay the movers. That won’t be hard.

Now for the election – I feel a deep sense of hopelessness about the country I live in. I think this is fueling some of the anxiety I am feeling. I just don’t know what Trump is going to do to fully wreck the economy and the country. So much unknown is making living in the present incredibly challenging right now. I just cannot understand how so many people in the US are racist, bigoted, xenophobic, and transphobic. It’s simply beyond my understanding. I guess in times like these we really have to lean on our family, friends, and loved ones and stick close together. It is our relationships that will carry us through.

I’m writing this today because I’m prime time in love for the first time in my life. It’s official now that I love my girlfriend Denisse. She means the world to me. I love her because she has accepted me for who I am. She is not critical of my awkwardness and my flaws. Her acceptance of me has made me so very happy. It’s a feeling that just about defies description.

I know that Denisse is suffering from depression right now and I really want to care for her. I understand depression because I suffer from major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I love her so much that I have made a commitment to be her rock while she goes through this. I’m going to keep reassuring her how much she means to me and how happy she has made me.

The one thing that has kept me going through depressive episodes is knowing that I’ve had someone care about me without condition. I must and will do the same for Denisse. She needs to know that I will be there for her without condition and I have let her know and my actions will reflect this. I keep telling her that we are on this journey together and together we will get through this.

I believe that when we love someone we love them through the best of times and the hardest of times. I will be there for Denisse 100% and nothing less will do. These difficult times shall pass!

I had a fantastic time with Denisse. She’s a really good person and kind and compassionate. We got a lot done in a short period of time including moving her from Hanover, PA to New Castle, DE. All of this moving has not been easy on her and I have nothing but admiration for her courage and strength. What she has gone through would easily have broken me in half. Since strangers helped me out with a thousand dollar medication that I needed several years ago, I decided that it was time to pay back that kindness so I paid for a motel room for Denisse for two weeks in Delaware which was what I could afford.

I sincerely hope we can get her situated in a shelter and get her on the road towards stability soon. She’s not in an easy situation at all and I am finding myself missing her already even though it was just yesterday that our trip ended. I am going to see her again on Tuesday and spend the night with her. When I see her, we may run some more errands and go bowling and see Beetlejuice. I am already excited about it. I know she’s lonely as she doesn’t know anybody in Delaware so it is up to me to be reliable and be her rock. I like being her rock.

Being Denisse’s rock gives me a sense of purpose when I would otherwise feel none. Suffering from major depressive disorder is certainly not easy and having someone to care about, I’ve found, lifts the depression significantly. I’ve always wanted to be the guy that rescues a girl and this I figured was my chance. She rescued my heart in many ways too. I am feeling so many different feelings right now and it is kind of exciting.

I just want to be a good boyfriend to her. I want to be the man that is caring, compassionate, and kind. I want to be the boyfriend that she’s never had; one who’s not abusive in any way shape or form. I may make my share of mistakes and I may make her angry at some point but I will never do anything to harm her. I never want to do anything to harm her. I think I am in love.

Mornings are now getting much easier since my doctor added Topamax to my medication regimen. I am doing a lot better now and it is really cheering me up as I am normally cheery in the morning when I am doing well. When I am not doing well, I am grouchy in the morning. So things are really looking up and I am happy about that.

Topamax is not strictly an an antidepressant but instead it is commonly used to treat migraine headaches. However, it has an off-label use for people like myself with PTSD related nightmares. Topamax works beautifully to stop these nightmares and instead give me only very mild dreams so I wake up feeling rested and thus cheerful and positive. I feel ready to tackle the day.

I’m looking forward to chatting with Denisse again today and to studying my Red Hat material. I really want to make it my goal to be ready to sit for the Red Hat certification exam in November if possible. If I don’t have some sort of goal, I fear that I won’t commit to studying regularly. But I can make things open-ended so if I am not ready come November it won’t be the end of the world.