Black Cat Blog

Well this morning has been incredibly frustrating. I am on Social Security Disability Insurance and Social Security sent me a letter about the Ticket to Work program. It turns out that I am not eligible for the program for two years because I am in what is called EXR status which is expedited reinstatement of my benefits. Here I was looking forward to using Ticket to Work to try and find a part time job and now I guess I’ll just have to do it on my own.

Despite this frustration, I did find a few security guard jobs in my area. I have worked security before when I’ve needed money between information technology jobs and I even did it when I was last on SSDI so I think I’ll spend some time today and apply. I’ll feel less frustrated and like I’ve accomplished something. But I cannot help but feel grouchy over the whole affair. I mean you would think Social Security would want me to go back to work, right!?

I don’t really want to go back to working security but I will do it because the money is good, the stress is low, and the job is generally easy. The extra money per month will help out a great deal too. It means I’ll have more money to be able to see Denisse and spend time with her. That will be good for me and her. I just don’t know how it will all work with transportation yet. I know I have access to paratransit but I don’t know if it will run the hours that I need in which case I’ll probably need the bus. I don’t want to take the bus at night.

Why is life so needlessly hard in the United States!? The question is rhetorical because I know the answer: we don’t tax the wealthy so there is no money for social welfare systems to make life better for the poor and working class. Everything is artificially means tested to a Federal Poverty Level that is destitution, not poverty. This is the reality that I am in. Man I am so frustrated right now that I want to scream!

I have some very good news today. I will be moving back to my old apartment and out of the miserable situation which I am in. Also, my girlfriend will be moving in with me and I am excited about this. My current landlord let me out of the lease with 30 days written notice and I am grateful for that because the place I am in is filthy and really not fit for habitation. It’s very poorly maintained as well. I just now need to coordinate a time to move in with my brother who owns the apartment. My brother is also glad to have me back as a tenant.

It will be so nice to move back in to that apartment. It is bright and cheery with plenty of space. It’s also located in a really nice neighborhood for walking with easy access to public transportation. The pluses are quite a few so I am happy. The next thing I will do will be to pick up a part time job as a security guard which will pay around 18.00 per hour and will supplement my Social Security Disability nicely.

That’s about the size of the news other than I am happy and looking forward to the future for the first time in a very long time. Things don’t look bleak for a change. I won’t be lonely either because I’ll have my girlfriend, Denisse, with me and I’m looking forward to spending the holidays with her. I’m looking forward to Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. It is going to be so nice not being lonely!

This morning I feel really moved to write to write a blog entry about the kindness and generosity of my brother, and by extension, his wife. The two of them have allowed me and my girlfriend, Denisse, to move into the apartment that they have vacant and have allowed us to start paying rent effective December 1st even though we will be occupying it a little more than a month before then. My brother and his wife have done us a tremendous favor. I only hope that one day I can be there for him when he needs help.

I truly believe that when we perform acts of kindness for others, we get kindness returned back. I basically rescued Denisse from a bad situation and helped to get her through a rough time. Now the two of us will be living together and enriching each other’s lives. I am really looking forward to the future for the first time in a very long time. My brother made it possible for Denisse to get back on her feet. He made it possible for me to move out of this uncomfortable living situation that I am currently in.

Now my next task is to get a part time job once I move in to the apartment. I want to earn beneath the substantial gainful activity threshold and keep my Social Security Disability for the time being. That will provide enough money for me to live in stable poverty and afford all of my basic needs without stress.

My brain is just all over the place today. I know I haven’t blogged in a while and I think the reason is that mostly things have been going well and I haven’t had much to say but today my thoughts are racing and I have to get them out of my head; in between the election, moving, and anxiety. Here goes my stream of consciousness. Hope you enjoy the ride.

I am excited and nervous about moving in with my girlfriend. I know she is going to whip me into shape about staying organized and keeping my stuff neat and clean. I think she will be good for me. I hope I will be good for her. I hope the two of us will be able to make this work. This is a big life’s step for me because at 47 years old, I’ve never lived with a woman before. I’ve always been something of a late bloomer and I love my girlfriend for not judging me for this.

Now for the actual moving part, I just cannot seem to get my ass in gear right now. I still have some packing to do and the fucking movers are coming at noon today. I am in a tizzy and I don’t handle change (even good change) all that well. Fortunately, a lot of my stuff is packed. I just have a little bit to do. I also have to get to the bank to take out some money so that I can pay the movers. That won’t be hard.

Now for the election – I feel a deep sense of hopelessness about the country I live in. I think this is fueling some of the anxiety I am feeling. I just don’t know what Trump is going to do to fully wreck the economy and the country. So much unknown is making living in the present incredibly challenging right now. I just cannot understand how so many people in the US are racist, bigoted, xenophobic, and transphobic. It’s simply beyond my understanding. I guess in times like these we really have to lean on our family, friends, and loved ones and stick close together. It is our relationships that will carry us through.

I’m writing this today because I’m prime time in love for the first time in my life. It’s official now that I love my girlfriend Denisse. She means the world to me. I love her because she has accepted me for who I am. She is not critical of my awkwardness and my flaws. Her acceptance of me has made me so very happy. It’s a feeling that just about defies description.

I know that Denisse is suffering from depression right now and I really want to care for her. I understand depression because I suffer from major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I love her so much that I have made a commitment to be her rock while she goes through this. I’m going to keep reassuring her how much she means to me and how happy she has made me.

The one thing that has kept me going through depressive episodes is knowing that I’ve had someone care about me without condition. I must and will do the same for Denisse. She needs to know that I will be there for her without condition and I have let her know and my actions will reflect this. I keep telling her that we are on this journey together and together we will get through this.

I believe that when we love someone we love them through the best of times and the hardest of times. I will be there for Denisse 100% and nothing less will do. These difficult times shall pass!