Back when I was in high school, I had this really awesome writing teacher named Edie. I went to a friends school so we actually called our teachers by their given name. Anyhow, some of the best advice she ever gave us was to journal before embarking on tasks requiring heavy thought or concentration. So that’s what this is. I’ve lost contact with her as the years went by so I hope she is doing well.

So the activity for today is to continue the class on personal finance with Khan Academy. At the same time, I need to start looking at where all my money is going. This means looking at what all of expenses are. This is going to be a Sherlock Holmes style investigation because I don’t even know what I am spending my money on. But fortunately I am laughing about it and not blaming myself. That is, as they say, a start.

I am having the early stages of an epiphany so I don’t know where this journal is going to go. I realized finally just how stressful, demoralizing, and anger-producing living paycheck to paycheck is. Part of me realized this as I was beginning the class. Then I realized just how much of this was truly affecting me. I’ve been hating life, blaming myself for life’s choices, and finding myself wanting to retreat into substances for happiness.

I am realizing just how many parts of life are so interconnected and that few things exist in a silo. Getting my personal finances in order is dropping a stone into a pond. That’s my epiphany. Getting my personal finances in order is the next step on the mental health journey and one I’ve been avoiding. This tacit avoidance, I believe, is creating a traffic jam on the road to mental health recovery. I never completely get past a certain point, end up lost, and then back at the beginning.

Early this year I wrote about wanting to start and run a business. Somehow I convinced myself I could do it when not even my personal affairs are in order. Since I don’t have the “rich uncle” to instantly cut me a check (or multiple checks) for money to run a business, I must fund it myself. In order to fund it myself, I cannot live paycheck to paycheck and expect to get started.

When taking an initial look at things, I realized just how much money I was spending on streaming services, GrubHub food delivery, and Uber and Lyft. My jaw hit the floor. I’ve become a revenue stream for the gig economy. I also was spending money on electronic gadgets and services all in the hopes of making me feel better when they don’t provide lasting enjoyment. Instead, these expenses are providing a very temporary respite (and distraction) from the difficulties of life.

While tightening the spending belt is not an initially pleasant thing to have to consider, I’m now learning that there is a mindset to it. I wrongfully looked at this as depriving myself from these extravagances. Instead, this is not a matter of a deprivation but a matter of personal pride because I am gaining control of my life. I don’t own a car so it means waiting in the cold and wind at the bus stop. While doing that yesterday instead of taking the warm, cozy ridesharing service, I looked at it with a bit of personal pride, because instead of taking the easy and expensive way out, I felt like a responsible adult.

There will be more to come on this topic as my own thoughts continue to develop into descriptive language. But for now, the task at hand awaits.

I’m going to start off the adjustment to my new reality by limiting my soda intake to no more than two 12oz cans of diet soda per week. I’m going to drink water as my primary source of hydration. I’m going to take the opportunity to make some lemonade out of the lemons I’ve been handed. I think I might have ulcers from the poor choices I’ve made. But, as they say, the only hole you can’t dig yourself out of is the grave.

I don’t know what I am doing or where my journey will head but the next step is some personal finance education. I’ll do that tomorrow and learn how to create a budget. I’ll use YouTube to teach me everything my father never did. I’m going to be able to save more money instead of not knowing where it’s going. I’m going to think carefully and live with my head not in the sand.

This is already helping me to feel better. Maybe I will feel like I have more control over my life. Perhaps I won’t feel as if I am so subject to the whims of the man. My earnings will matter more and I’ll build some self-esteem and a sense of pride an accomplishment for learning on my own.

I won’t be able to afford Uber this week, I won’t be able to afford the security class, and finally my job is going to be eliminated. I just won’t even be able to go back to school come the fall. Since my position is being eliminated, I have some tasks to do and they’re daunting. I’m going to list them here.

My shift was quiet last night so I went through my bank statements and my jaw dropped. I’m spending a lot of money on streaming services, GrubHub, Uber, Lyft, Murphs Irish Pub, and a few other things. Let’s just say it was enlightening.

I just got home from work and I’m lying in bed thinking about how I’m going to have to experience some short term pain and maybe grow up.

• Learn how to develop a budget from YouTube.
• Create a cash flow to better understand where my money is going.
• Develop a budget from this and stick to it. I’ll stock away 50.00 from every paycheck going forward.
• I deleted GrubHub from my phone. I’m doing Walmart orders.

More to think any when I’m lucid. Maybe some short term pain is in order.

I’m not sleeping well and things are not improving as I had hoped that they would. It may just take some time to adapt but I hope it won’t take too much longer. At least my course of action is now set. I’ve made the firm choice to get my Delaware Red Card starting this weekend. I think this will open some doors toward more money.

I just have to make it through the next two days until the start of the class. I am still very conflicted over what to do though. On one hand, I think the better move might be full time Uber as that could the faster path towards starting my IT training and educational school.

Here is my internal struggle: Purely doing Uber to raise money for my IT training and education school might help things starts faster. But it’s riskier because I’ll have one source of income. It might be better to do 2 days a week of armed security for the sure fire some of money and then use the remaining five to use Uber to raise money for the main venture.

This is not an easy choice to make towards the end goal. If one path does not work out, I can always try the other.

Sometimes simply making a genuine effort to be friendly lifts me out of the doldrums. It definitely did today. I was really hoping to be sitting at a desk for my shift but I found the interaction with people to be uplifting. Well that was until the stupidity of my employer. Now it looks like I am just going to have to follow through with some plans for improving my situation.

I don’t like struggling and I am way too old for hustle culture. But what am I supposed to do when I am washed up and over the hill? The United States is simply a cruel country. The differences between parties, while stark, don’t really matter when it comes to rugged capitalism. Both sides agree that you either have money or work until you die. Right now things look bleak.

So yes, I’m going to make the effort. I’m going to spend money I don’t have to go to an armed security class with the hopes that I could be in a better place financially. It’s either that or begin Uber. I don’t know which makes more sense. I’ll get the armed license. It’s the course of action I’m committed to. All I know is that I’m tired and feel depression creeping back in because I can’t use THC. It was the only thing that kept me from being depressed.

No THC makes the daily effort that much harder; the struggle even more so. Now I just have my blog to get the swirling thoughts out of my head. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.