Black Cat Blog

Well this morning has been incredibly frustrating. I am on Social Security Disability Insurance and Social Security sent me a letter about the Ticket to Work program. It turns out that I am not eligible for the program for two years because I am in what is called EXR status which is expedited reinstatement of my benefits. Here I was looking forward to using Ticket to Work to try and find a part time job and now I guess I’ll just have to do it on my own.

Despite this frustration, I did find a few security guard jobs in my area. I have worked security before when I’ve needed money between information technology jobs and I even did it when I was last on SSDI so I think I’ll spend some time today and apply. I’ll feel less frustrated and like I’ve accomplished something. But I cannot help but feel grouchy over the whole affair. I mean you would think Social Security would want me to go back to work, right!?

I don’t really want to go back to working security but I will do it because the money is good, the stress is low, and the job is generally easy. The extra money per month will help out a great deal too. It means I’ll have more money to be able to see Denisse and spend time with her. That will be good for me and her. I just don’t know how it will all work with transportation yet. I know I have access to paratransit but I don’t know if it will run the hours that I need in which case I’ll probably need the bus. I don’t want to take the bus at night.

Why is life so needlessly hard in the United States!? The question is rhetorical because I know the answer: we don’t tax the wealthy so there is no money for social welfare systems to make life better for the poor and working class. Everything is artificially means tested to a Federal Poverty Level that is destitution, not poverty. This is the reality that I am in. Man I am so frustrated right now that I want to scream!

I think I am finally ready to go back to work so I am going to sign up for Social Security’s Ticket to Work program. I want to start part time so I am going to go that route. I want to earn under the substantial gainful activity threshold so I can continue to collect my benefits. I think I would like to go back to work as a security guard part time. Hopefully I can find such a position that will allow me to do that. I really have my girlfriend Denisse to thank for my readiness.

I know I am ready for work because I am finding myself bored during the day so I know I am ready to take on a little bit more responsibility. I don’t think I am ready for full time work right now and that would be overwhelming but I do think I could take on a part time job so I am looking for a Ticket to Work provider to assist me with that route. Perhaps I could find something part time that would allow me to work from home. That would be nice too but I don’t know of such a thing.

So far I have reached out to two providers but I have not heard anything back from them. I might have to reach out to a few more and see who gets back to me first. I wonder why there isn’t much interest in working with me. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. Well, maybe I shouldn’t stipulate in my initial contact that I just want to work part time. That might be what is turning the providers away. The providers may make their money based on getting people off of disability altogether and that may make me expensive. I don’t really know.

In other news, I am looking forward to seeing Denisse today. I miss her when I am not around her and she cheers me up. I am feeling a bit down because my professional life is in shambles. I feel like I should be working in information technology professionally and that I should be earning a full time wage but I know I am not ready for that level of stress and responsibility right now. After all, my psychiatric physician’s assistant and I are still working my medications out. While I am doing better, I am not quite there yet.

As the title reads, I need some luck that I can spread to Denisse. Tomorrow morning we are going to Delaware’s Department of Health and Social Services (DHSS.) We are both hoping against all hope that DHSS has opened her case and that she will have Food Stamps, Medicaid, and access to emergency housing. DHSS is in so much better shape than Pennsylvania’s Department of Human Services so I am hopeful. We need the case opened so we can move her to a motel in a better area so she can find work and establish herself.

Anyhow, I am looking forward to seeing her today and hanging out with her because it is always a good time. I really and truly love her and she has made me so happy. Denisse has helped to lift me out of the depression I was in and she has given my life some meaning and purpose. In addition, my psychiatric physician’s assistant has gotten me on the correct dosing of medication and I am doing so much better in the mornings.

This afternoon we are going to see a movie and then do a large food shop because I’ll need to wait until I get my next Social Security distribution to see her. Money gets kind of tight towards the end of the month. I wish I had more money to be able to help Denisse out. Being poor hurts. But things are going relatively well and we are going to solve one problem at a time and take things one day at a time.

Unfortunately, I have had to make a rather critical decision to cancel my Medicare supplemental insurance because I just cannot afford 354.00 per month on Social Security Disability. This will mean having to forgo mental health therapy for the rest of the year as I just will not be able to afford it. Literally it has come down to being able to afford food and rent or talk therapy. I think food and rent are far more important than therapy at the moment. I hate this country.

There is some back story to all of this. Back when I went out on Social Security Disability for the second time (April of this year), the first mistake I made was to follow my father’s advise and contact United Medicare Advisors for assistance in choosing a Medicare supplement plan. These “advisors” are scammy. They want to sell you the highest cost plan so that they earn the highest commissions. The second mistake I made was to actually trust the “advisor.” Had I done a little shopping on my own, I would have discovered a Medicare Advantage plan that would have only cost me 39.00 a month and would have covered everything I need through Highmark Blue Cross Blue Shield.

I know Medicare Advantage is often buyer beware but I did my homework (after the fact) and this would have covered all of my medical needs and more. So I will have to restart talk therapy after the first of the year when I will be able to afford it again because of the lower cost Medicare Advantage Highmark Freedom PPO. Poverty is so difficult. The choice between seeking care for mental illness and basic life’s necessities is a difficult one.

I am feeling stressed and anxious this morning. Money is especially tight this month and it is making my anxiety very high. That and I am having to fight my health insurance company because they are not paying what they are supposed to be paying under the terms of Medicare Plan N and I just do not know how to fight them. I may have to forgo talk therapy this year until I can get on a Medicare Advantage plan. This is not going to do my mental health any justice whatsoever.

I briefly thought of going back to work full time but I nixed it because I don’t have a means of getting to and from work. The management trainee program that I considered applying to at Enterprise Rent a Car does not offer the take home car program. The take home car program is only for branch managers, not for assistant managers. So I would still be in the poor house. This was a sad disappointment.

I am between a rock and a hard place because even if I could go back to work, I cannot afford the transportation to and from work right now. I think I’ll just have to stay on disability for while longer. I am reminded that once in poverty, society makes it so much harder to climb out of it and I am at a loss for reasons why. You would think that it would be better to offer services to to get people out of poverty and help them be productive because it would be ultimately less expensive but society in the United States doses not work that way.

I am stressed out, frustrated, and sad. Jobs in IT right now are scarce and the economy isn’t real great right now where I live. I just don’t know what I am going to do other than to continue to trudge along collecting the miserly amount that I am on Social Security Disability. I don’t know what else to do. I am also angry at the system and angry at the Republicans. I am angry at my father who got scammed out of 78,000.00 when we warned him it was a scam and told him not to do it. Some of that money could have gotten me a car! It could have helped me get back on my feet.

All I want to do is sleep today away. I feel simply knocked out by life, like I have no bandwidth left at all. I want to do some studying of Red Hat Linux but I cannot muster the concentration so I am not even going to try. I think I am just going to ride these feelings out and maybe try later on today, possibly in the afternoon. But right now I am in no mood and forcing myself to do any work won’t do any good because I won’t retain any information.

Mornings are now getting much easier since my doctor added Topamax to my medication regimen. I am doing a lot better now and it is really cheering me up as I am normally cheery in the morning when I am doing well. When I am not doing well, I am grouchy in the morning. So things are really looking up and I am happy about that.

Topamax is not strictly an an antidepressant but instead it is commonly used to treat migraine headaches. However, it has an off-label use for people like myself with PTSD related nightmares. Topamax works beautifully to stop these nightmares and instead give me only very mild dreams so I wake up feeling rested and thus cheerful and positive. I feel ready to tackle the day.

I’m looking forward to chatting with Denisse again today and to studying my Red Hat material. I really want to make it my goal to be ready to sit for the Red Hat certification exam in November if possible. If I don’t have some sort of goal, I fear that I won’t commit to studying regularly. But I can make things open-ended so if I am not ready come November it won’t be the end of the world.

I had a fantastic time with Denisse. She’s a really good person and kind and compassionate. We got a lot done in a short period of time including moving her from Hanover, PA to New Castle, DE. All of this moving has not been easy on her and I have nothing but admiration for her courage and strength. What she has gone through would easily have broken me in half. Since strangers helped me out with a thousand dollar medication that I needed several years ago, I decided that it was time to pay back that kindness so I paid for a motel room for Denisse for two weeks in Delaware which was what I could afford.

I sincerely hope we can get her situated in a shelter and get her on the road towards stability soon. She’s not in an easy situation at all and I am finding myself missing her already even though it was just yesterday that our trip ended. I am going to see her again on Tuesday and spend the night with her. When I see her, we may run some more errands and go bowling and see Beetlejuice. I am already excited about it. I know she’s lonely as she doesn’t know anybody in Delaware so it is up to me to be reliable and be her rock. I like being her rock.

Being Denisse’s rock gives me a sense of purpose when I would otherwise feel none. Suffering from major depressive disorder is certainly not easy and having someone to care about, I’ve found, lifts the depression significantly. I’ve always wanted to be the guy that rescues a girl and this I figured was my chance. She rescued my heart in many ways too. I am feeling so many different feelings right now and it is kind of exciting.

I just want to be a good boyfriend to her. I want to be the man that is caring, compassionate, and kind. I want to be the boyfriend that she’s never had; one who’s not abusive in any way shape or form. I may make my share of mistakes and I may make her angry at some point but I will never do anything to harm her. I never want to do anything to harm her. I think I am in love.