Black Cat Blog

I’m writing this today because I’m prime time in love for the first time in my life. It’s official now that I love my girlfriend Denisse. She means the world to me. I love her because she has accepted me for who I am. She is not critical of my awkwardness and my flaws. Her acceptance of me has made me so very happy. It’s a feeling that just about defies description.

I know that Denisse is suffering from depression right now and I really want to care for her. I understand depression because I suffer from major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I love her so much that I have made a commitment to be her rock while she goes through this. I’m going to keep reassuring her how much she means to me and how happy she has made me.

The one thing that has kept me going through depressive episodes is knowing that I’ve had someone care about me without condition. I must and will do the same for Denisse. She needs to know that I will be there for her without condition and I have let her know and my actions will reflect this. I keep telling her that we are on this journey together and together we will get through this.

I believe that when we love someone we love them through the best of times and the hardest of times. I will be there for Denisse 100% and nothing less will do. These difficult times shall pass!

My brain is just all over the place today. I know I haven’t blogged in a while and I think the reason is that mostly things have been going well and I haven’t had much to say but today my thoughts are racing and I have to get them out of my head; in between the election, moving, and anxiety. Here goes my stream of consciousness. Hope you enjoy the ride.

I am excited and nervous about moving in with my girlfriend. I know she is going to whip me into shape about staying organized and keeping my stuff neat and clean. I think she will be good for me. I hope I will be good for her. I hope the two of us will be able to make this work. This is a big life’s step for me because at 47 years old, I’ve never lived with a woman before. I’ve always been something of a late bloomer and I love my girlfriend for not judging me for this.

Now for the actual moving part, I just cannot seem to get my ass in gear right now. I still have some packing to do and the fucking movers are coming at noon today. I am in a tizzy and I don’t handle change (even good change) all that well. Fortunately, a lot of my stuff is packed. I just have a little bit to do. I also have to get to the bank to take out some money so that I can pay the movers. That won’t be hard.

Now for the election – I feel a deep sense of hopelessness about the country I live in. I think this is fueling some of the anxiety I am feeling. I just don’t know what Trump is going to do to fully wreck the economy and the country. So much unknown is making living in the present incredibly challenging right now. I just cannot understand how so many people in the US are racist, bigoted, xenophobic, and transphobic. It’s simply beyond my understanding. I guess in times like these we really have to lean on our family, friends, and loved ones and stick close together. It is our relationships that will carry us through.

This morning I feel really moved to write to write a blog entry about the kindness and generosity of my brother, and by extension, his wife. The two of them have allowed me and my girlfriend, Denisse, to move into the apartment that they have vacant and have allowed us to start paying rent effective December 1st even though we will be occupying it a little more than a month before then. My brother and his wife have done us a tremendous favor. I only hope that one day I can be there for him when he needs help.

I truly believe that when we perform acts of kindness for others, we get kindness returned back. I basically rescued Denisse from a bad situation and helped to get her through a rough time. Now the two of us will be living together and enriching each other’s lives. I am really looking forward to the future for the first time in a very long time. My brother made it possible for Denisse to get back on her feet. He made it possible for me to move out of this uncomfortable living situation that I am currently in.

Now my next task is to get a part time job once I move in to the apartment. I want to earn beneath the substantial gainful activity threshold and keep my Social Security Disability for the time being. That will provide enough money for me to live in stable poverty and afford all of my basic needs without stress.

I have some very good news today. I will be moving back to my old apartment and out of the miserable situation which I am in. Also, my girlfriend will be moving in with me and I am excited about this. My current landlord let me out of the lease with 30 days written notice and I am grateful for that because the place I am in is filthy and really not fit for habitation. It’s very poorly maintained as well. I just now need to coordinate a time to move in with my brother who owns the apartment. My brother is also glad to have me back as a tenant.

It will be so nice to move back in to that apartment. It is bright and cheery with plenty of space. It’s also located in a really nice neighborhood for walking with easy access to public transportation. The pluses are quite a few so I am happy. The next thing I will do will be to pick up a part time job as a security guard which will pay around 18.00 per hour and will supplement my Social Security Disability nicely.

That’s about the size of the news other than I am happy and looking forward to the future for the first time in a very long time. Things don’t look bleak for a change. I won’t be lonely either because I’ll have my girlfriend, Denisse, with me and I’m looking forward to spending the holidays with her. I’m looking forward to Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. It is going to be so nice not being lonely!

Well this morning has been incredibly frustrating. I am on Social Security Disability Insurance and Social Security sent me a letter about the Ticket to Work program. It turns out that I am not eligible for the program for two years because I am in what is called EXR status which is expedited reinstatement of my benefits. Here I was looking forward to using Ticket to Work to try and find a part time job and now I guess I’ll just have to do it on my own.

Despite this frustration, I did find a few security guard jobs in my area. I have worked security before when I’ve needed money between information technology jobs and I even did it when I was last on SSDI so I think I’ll spend some time today and apply. I’ll feel less frustrated and like I’ve accomplished something. But I cannot help but feel grouchy over the whole affair. I mean you would think Social Security would want me to go back to work, right!?

I don’t really want to go back to working security but I will do it because the money is good, the stress is low, and the job is generally easy. The extra money per month will help out a great deal too. It means I’ll have more money to be able to see Denisse and spend time with her. That will be good for me and her. I just don’t know how it will all work with transportation yet. I know I have access to paratransit but I don’t know if it will run the hours that I need in which case I’ll probably need the bus. I don’t want to take the bus at night.

Why is life so needlessly hard in the United States!? The question is rhetorical because I know the answer: we don’t tax the wealthy so there is no money for social welfare systems to make life better for the poor and working class. Everything is artificially means tested to a Federal Poverty Level that is destitution, not poverty. This is the reality that I am in. Man I am so frustrated right now that I want to scream!

I think I am finally ready to go back to work so I am going to sign up for Social Security’s Ticket to Work program. I want to start part time so I am going to go that route. I want to earn under the substantial gainful activity threshold so I can continue to collect my benefits. I think I would like to go back to work as a security guard part time. Hopefully I can find such a position that will allow me to do that. I really have my girlfriend Denisse to thank for my readiness.

I know I am ready for work because I am finding myself bored during the day so I know I am ready to take on a little bit more responsibility. I don’t think I am ready for full time work right now and that would be overwhelming but I do think I could take on a part time job so I am looking for a Ticket to Work provider to assist me with that route. Perhaps I could find something part time that would allow me to work from home. That would be nice too but I don’t know of such a thing.

So far I have reached out to two providers but I have not heard anything back from them. I might have to reach out to a few more and see who gets back to me first. I wonder why there isn’t much interest in working with me. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. Well, maybe I shouldn’t stipulate in my initial contact that I just want to work part time. That might be what is turning the providers away. The providers may make their money based on getting people off of disability altogether and that may make me expensive. I don’t really know.

In other news, I am looking forward to seeing Denisse today. I miss her when I am not around her and she cheers me up. I am feeling a bit down because my professional life is in shambles. I feel like I should be working in information technology professionally and that I should be earning a full time wage but I know I am not ready for that level of stress and responsibility right now. After all, my psychiatric physician’s assistant and I are still working my medications out. While I am doing better, I am not quite there yet.

As the title reads, I need some luck that I can spread to Denisse. Tomorrow morning we are going to Delaware’s Department of Health and Social Services (DHSS.) We are both hoping against all hope that DHSS has opened her case and that she will have Food Stamps, Medicaid, and access to emergency housing. DHSS is in so much better shape than Pennsylvania’s Department of Human Services so I am hopeful. We need the case opened so we can move her to a motel in a better area so she can find work and establish herself.

Anyhow, I am looking forward to seeing her today and hanging out with her because it is always a good time. I really and truly love her and she has made me so happy. Denisse has helped to lift me out of the depression I was in and she has given my life some meaning and purpose. In addition, my psychiatric physician’s assistant has gotten me on the correct dosing of medication and I am doing so much better in the mornings.

This afternoon we are going to see a movie and then do a large food shop because I’ll need to wait until I get my next Social Security distribution to see her. Money gets kind of tight towards the end of the month. I wish I had more money to be able to help Denisse out. Being poor hurts. But things are going relatively well and we are going to solve one problem at a time and take things one day at a time.

Unfortunately, I have had to make a rather critical decision to cancel my Medicare supplemental insurance because I just cannot afford 354.00 per month on Social Security Disability. This will mean having to forgo mental health therapy for the rest of the year as I just will not be able to afford it. Literally it has come down to being able to afford food and rent or talk therapy. I think food and rent are far more important than therapy at the moment. I hate this country.

There is some back story to all of this. Back when I went out on Social Security Disability for the second time (April of this year), the first mistake I made was to follow my father’s advise and contact United Medicare Advisors for assistance in choosing a Medicare supplement plan. These “advisors” are scammy. They want to sell you the highest cost plan so that they earn the highest commissions. The second mistake I made was to actually trust the “advisor.” Had I done a little shopping on my own, I would have discovered a Medicare Advantage plan that would have only cost me 39.00 a month and would have covered everything I need through Highmark Blue Cross Blue Shield.

I know Medicare Advantage is often buyer beware but I did my homework (after the fact) and this would have covered all of my medical needs and more. So I will have to restart talk therapy after the first of the year when I will be able to afford it again because of the lower cost Medicare Advantage Highmark Freedom PPO. Poverty is so difficult. The choice between seeking care for mental illness and basic life’s necessities is a difficult one.

I am feeling stressed and anxious this morning. Money is especially tight this month and it is making my anxiety very high. That and I am having to fight my health insurance company because they are not paying what they are supposed to be paying under the terms of Medicare Plan N and I just do not know how to fight them. I may have to forgo talk therapy this year until I can get on a Medicare Advantage plan. This is not going to do my mental health any justice whatsoever.

I briefly thought of going back to work full time but I nixed it because I don’t have a means of getting to and from work. The management trainee program that I considered applying to at Enterprise Rent a Car does not offer the take home car program. The take home car program is only for branch managers, not for assistant managers. So I would still be in the poor house. This was a sad disappointment.

I am between a rock and a hard place because even if I could go back to work, I cannot afford the transportation to and from work right now. I think I’ll just have to stay on disability for while longer. I am reminded that once in poverty, society makes it so much harder to climb out of it and I am at a loss for reasons why. You would think that it would be better to offer services to to get people out of poverty and help them be productive because it would be ultimately less expensive but society in the United States doses not work that way.

I am stressed out, frustrated, and sad. Jobs in IT right now are scarce and the economy isn’t real great right now where I live. I just don’t know what I am going to do other than to continue to trudge along collecting the miserly amount that I am on Social Security Disability. I don’t know what else to do. I am also angry at the system and angry at the Republicans. I am angry at my father who got scammed out of 78,000.00 when we warned him it was a scam and told him not to do it. Some of that money could have gotten me a car! It could have helped me get back on my feet.

All I want to do is sleep today away. I feel simply knocked out by life, like I have no bandwidth left at all. I want to do some studying of Red Hat Linux but I cannot muster the concentration so I am not even going to try. I think I am just going to ride these feelings out and maybe try later on today, possibly in the afternoon. But right now I am in no mood and forcing myself to do any work won’t do any good because I won’t retain any information.

Mornings are now getting much easier since my doctor added Topamax to my medication regimen. I am doing a lot better now and it is really cheering me up as I am normally cheery in the morning when I am doing well. When I am not doing well, I am grouchy in the morning. So things are really looking up and I am happy about that.

Topamax is not strictly an an antidepressant but instead it is commonly used to treat migraine headaches. However, it has an off-label use for people like myself with PTSD related nightmares. Topamax works beautifully to stop these nightmares and instead give me only very mild dreams so I wake up feeling rested and thus cheerful and positive. I feel ready to tackle the day.

I’m looking forward to chatting with Denisse again today and to studying my Red Hat material. I really want to make it my goal to be ready to sit for the Red Hat certification exam in November if possible. If I don’t have some sort of goal, I fear that I won’t commit to studying regularly. But I can make things open-ended so if I am not ready come November it won’t be the end of the world.