I’m surprised that I am actually feeling good today. Yes, I do have to go to work but I’m oddly okay with it. I cannot really explain the good feeling but I definitely won’t bemoan it. Instead, I’m just going to ride it out and hope it lasts all day.

Some of this good feeling has got to be related to restarting the use of THC. Nothing else seems to work but I want to be very careful and not overuse. I also have to make a plan for Saturday. I want to work on my business and be ready for the coming week.

I’ll park my happy ass at the North Wilmington Branch Library for a couple of hours on Saturday and be as productive as I can. I would like to work on the technology side of business.

Yet here we are in the United States where everything and everyone is seen as a business transaction. I don’t like it but I don’t have the power to fight city hall. Instead, I’m going to make decisions that best benefit myself and Denisse.

My manager asked me to work a 10a-4p shift. I took a very powerful moment to decide carefully if this is what I really want and will it benefit me. I needed to make up money I lost yesterday due to the Uber debacle. A quick calculation with transit costs revealed that I would make up what I lost with a little extra so I agreed. I used to just agree to help out because I am, by nature, a people pleaser so this was a huge step in taking back my power.

I like being more careful in my decision making and I like considering the needs of me and my family first. Being a people pleaser caused me to be easily taken advantage of in corporate. People pleasing ate away at my mental health like acid chews through metals.

I plan to give Uber another try on Monday. I’ve got what I think is a solid plan but I’m going to have all of my i’s dotted and t’s crossed. For now, I have 23.5 hours until my next security guard shift. The plan is to relax and spend quality time with my baby girl.

Despite yesterday’s Uber debacle, I feel surprisingly good. My boss offered me a reasonable shift so I can make up some of the money I lost yesterday. In business, everything will always be a learning experience. Now I know and I am no longer beating myself up. Plus, this shift will only be 6 hours so it’s very doable.

In a weird sort of way, I am okay with paying out of pocket for the first week’s rental. It relieves some pressure on me and will allow me to learn. I recovered remarkably well from yesterday. I dare say I am proud of being able to ground myself and get going again.

I have to think of some goals for today. I wish I could have my laptop but I guess some asshats complained so I can’t bring it in any longer. I feel weirdly optimistic. I don’t know if it is misplaced but I will roll with it.

I know some goals that I would like to work on today. I know that Uber is really only going to be my gateway into self-employment. It’s not something for the long term. I see myself more of offering services or doing IT career training.

While this morning was very challenging from both an autistic and mental health standpoint, I can honestly say that I came out of this one surprisingly strong. I had a meltdown because I was way overstimulated. In previous times, I think this might have lead to me shutting down completely. Instead, I relied on some coping skills and I am proud of myself for doing better.

I did not know when I was headed to pick up my Uber rental car so that I can earn money on the platform, that I would have to pay in full for my first week’s rental. After that, they deduct your fares until you hit the weekly cost. So naturally I had spent time and money on getting to the rental location which is not exactly nearby. The meltdown came on while I was at the rental location but I managed to hold it together. Of course I am exhausted now.

I don’t know how I avoided a serious mental health collapse but I did it. I thought at one point I was afraid that I’d need emergency help. But damn if I did not do what had to be done. I did it and I am safe. So if there is a silver lining to this cloud, I know that I have more fortitude than I even I could’ve guessed I had.

I was hoping to get a few administrative things done with the downtime I have but it’s just not going to happen and that is perfectly okay. For now, it will simply be incumbent on me to relax and do some mindless things.

Antidepressants, while great for getting my head above water, also kill a lot of feelings. I don’t belly laugh anymore and I don’t feel or experience joy. Instead, I feel the absence of all emotion. I realized this while sitting down at work to do a job I detest. It takes THC for me to truly be able to have a hearty laugh. It’s amazing how good the laughter is and feels.

I wish there were more effective treatments for major depressive disorder. The treatments that exist largely do not work optimally. Just newer drug formulations but little is being done to really study MDD. I wonder if that is because it’s not “sexy” or “profitable” medicine.

I wish I could be without these medicines but I cannot. I wish life could be easier but it is not. I’m just going to have to dig deep into some energy reserves.