Signed Up For PHP

Today I did what I really did not want to do and made the bus trip into New Castle, to sign up for the one partial hospitalization program in the State of Delaware that accepts my health insurance: MeadowWood. As an aside, the US bloody US health insurance system is in utter shambles. Anyhow I digress, I made the journey to do what I needed to do. I thought I would feel good for accomplishing this but sadly, I feel worse and like I took a giant step backward.

That much said, it is important that I show the Social Security Administration commitment to treatment of my disability. I have Autism, Major Depressive Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Social Security needs to know that I am being compliant with treatment. I wanted to try a different program offered by The Rockford Center but they did not take my health insurance, so I am stuck with the limitation.

Starting on Monday, April 8th, I am trying to look on the bright side of things and at least I'll have a free breakfast and lunch 5 days a week for the next two weeks. But I am not very hopeful because this was a program I've done before and its positive effects were very limited and short-term. I ended up sinking back into the doldrums of depression and anxiety not too long post-program. Furthermore, MeadowWood likes to prescribe brand new psyche medications that are not going to be accessible to people like me that are on Medicare. So I've resolved to ask MeadowWood not to change up my medications unless they can be reasonably certain that I will be covered.

I know all of this is supposed to make me feel better but it does not. I feel really sad and down, like I have disappointed everyone that ever believed in me. I am trying to remember that some people spend years trying to gain 'recovery.' I am trying desperately not to go so hard on myself but it's not easy. I feel as if I am just going through the motions of life without getting better. But maybe that's exactly what I am doing. Maybe I have become institutionalized to a certain extent and have become accustomed to what an institution provides: the structure, the care, etc. I don't really know.

All I know is that I am writing from a stream of consciousness right now so this may only make sense to me but that's okay. I am getting it out of my head as blogging is one of my coping skills and it's one of the few coping skills that can reasonably be considered not maladaptive. Days like today have me questioning whether I am really doing the best that I can. I am questioning myself big time. Am I waste of resources? Am I worth it? People say that I am but I've yet to believe it myself. I just have moments when I feel like I can contribute something to society. The moments are fleeting.