Tonight I am feeling like rubbish; the sum total of my life amounting to worse than simply nothing at all but actually loss. I feel like I would like to do more but I don’t know why I should even make the effort. Well this weekend I will be at work and maybe I can try working on this book on home labbing in the style that my therapist has suggested, like I am writing letters to students. I think I will also spend some time looking for more meaningful employment. I think I feel like rubbish because I hate being a security guard just that much.
If I could work on the first piece of foundational information which is a crash course in applied network engineering, I think I’ll be happy. My goal is 500-1000 words. I like goals that are ranges. I’d feel a sense of accomplishment simply at 500 words and 1000 words will be incredible. I think the first chapter will be Applied Network Engineering 101. I am already starting to think the contents. We will discuss like what an IP address is, routing, switching, and other stuff. We won’t go heavy into the theory because the idea is having fun here and learning by doing.
Home labbing is about building local area networks, wide area networks, VPS, network attached storage systems, web servers, application servers and more. It’s about enterprise features on a much smaller scale to learn a lot I guess. I just hope I have it in me to write something like this. I think if I can do this a little bit at a time without getting overwhelmed it could be a possibility. That’s the trick here because I am feeling like I could get overwhelmed easily and then I remember how my fiancee has summoned some serious courage and fortitude to go back to school for phlebotomy. I can do this or so I think.
I just need to see myself as more than rubbish. I feel like I could just be tossed out and the world will not honestly miss me that much and it hurts a lot. I mean it hurts a lot. I always wanted my life to mean more and do more and it saddens me that it won’t happen. I felt like a lot of false hope was just built up in me throughout my life.
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