Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • Fucking Angry

    I am absolutely fucking angry. I am fit to be tied and I don’t use bad language too often but this is just exactly how I feel. I am so angry that I have an acid pit in my stomach and I did not sleep well last night. I absolutely hate my security guard job. I hate everything about it but it pays well and I have no other choice but to slave away. At least I am not alone and there are other people that hate their jobs. I am so ready to set up a scam or something to get money. People that lead law abiding lives rarely get ahead. It’s the hustlers that make it because they’re willing to do what I’ve been indoctrinated not to.

    I have a co-worker that I thoroughly despise. I caught her changing my entries in our team’s daily activity report. I guess last night I grew a pair and said quietly while enunciating my words, “Do not ever edit any of my entries.” Then I spun around on my heal and walked out. I did not even give her an opportunity to say anything. Thankfully, she is not well-loved and nothing will become of it but I said my piece. Maybe I am getting a little bit racist in my old age too. I don’t know anymore. Okay, more like I have a barrel full of anger.

    I am so angry that I am motivated to find a new job – yet again. I hate changing employers but this is getting ridiculous. I feel like I just can’t win. The policies change day to day and the communication is very poor. I feel like I am ready to snap so that’s how I know I’ve got to get out of this. Do I hang in there a little bit more and hope to transfer to a different location on the site that I am assigned to guard? Cooler heads always prevail and I know this. But my head is anything but cool. It’s times like these that I get why people snap. A man can only take so much.

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  • My Favorite Cartoon Character

    Daily writing prompt
    Who is your favorite cartoon character?
    View all responses

    I don’t have a single cartoon character that is my favorite, rather I have several favorites. The one most worth mentioning is Wiley Coyote. I have always loved Wiley Coyote and it has to be because I admire his persistence in the face of extreme pain and setbacks. In the face of adversity, Wiley does not give up, he simply regroups and tries again. I think his biggest (and ironically very human) mistake is his steadfast, cognitively dissonant refusal to stop ordering from the ACME catalog. He seems to think that eventually he will get a reliable product from that mail order company.

    Wiley also made me laugh and I had a rough childhood so laughter was, and still is, one of the most important things to me. The antidepressants that I take clobber all feelings and it can be tough. I cannot easily laugh as a result but Wiley can still be depended on for a belly laugh. I want to see the new movie Wiley Coyote vs. Acme. I just cannot convince my fiancee to come with me. She tells me I have to see it on my own. 😆

    Usually I have to have some THC to get a good belly laugh. The nice thing about THC is that (for me at least) it seems to undo the effect of dulling the positive emotions that antidepressants can and often do. At least Wiley is still good for a healing natural laugh.

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  • Something Productive

    I have to think of something productive to do today before work. I usually like to feel as if I am accomplishing a task or learning a new skill. I have so many ideas but I would like to see one or two come to fruition. One of the things that I want to do is take a free MIT course in financial accounting. Ideally, I would like to at least spend some time each day on it. The thoughts in my head are swirling but in a pleasant, kind of optimistic way. I don’t know how to describe this feeling right now. I could still be a little high from last night.

    It just dawned on me that I can create a pre-work routine of things that I want and/or hope to do. I wish I had a printer so that I could print out a list of what it is that I want to achieve …. wait a moment. What I need is one of those small desktop white boards so that I physically see the to-do list every time I sit at my desk. I recall a therapist once telling me that seeing this list as a reminder of things that I want to do as positive motivation. I remember he said it should be a short list of 3-5 things. Seeing them over and over sometimes triggers the inner voice that says, “I think I’ll tackle this or that …” And then a routine starts to build.

    The thought prompted me to search for a whiteboard on Amazon. I can get a 10″ x 10″ magnetic one for my desk. I am also at the point where I almost need some sort of printer. My handwriting isn’t the best and it would be good to have this to-do list of 3-5 items printed in a large font and then I can use magnets to attach it to the whiteboard. This would be a good motivation technique to try or at least I think. Anyhow, it is something to try.

    While at work last night, me and my 2 favorite colleagues had a really good discussion about video games. Maybe I carve out time in the daily routine for fun like that? I love the first and third person shooters. Grand Theft Auto III is, as they colloquially say, “is my shit!” The more modern GTA editions are just about too hard to play for me. GTA III is just a balance enough for me between playability and graphics quality. Yeah, GTA III is old but it is still a lot of fun.

  • Been A Minute

    It’s been a minute since I’ve written a blog entry. I have been under the weather with a rare summer cold that kicked my ass. Anyhow, I am mostly over it but I find myself upset that my employer literally offers no sick time whatsoever. However, this is commonplace for security guard staffing (and most staffing) companies. You either work or you don’t get paid and this is not a fair or equitable way of conducting business: it’s pure greed and lack of empathy. People get sick and they can’t work safely (or even work at all.) But I am working on something new and exciting with 2 other partners: a potential launch of what could be a big thing.

    The bottom line is that sex sells so we are launching a tasteful and elegant porn site that might more appeal to the wealthier and/or refined customer. Sex sells even more in economic downturns as people look for an escape from the doldrums of life. Therefore, it’s time to put our hat in the ring. I have the technical know-how to make this opportunity possible. While I would rather earn money the less seedy way, being a security guard is not getting me ahead. I want to get more than ahead in life – I want money. I am tired of worrying about it.

    Right now, the mission is to build a brand and that is what I am prepared to do. What I like about this plan is that it would be wholly possible to do this part-time while it grows. These days something can grow like a wildfire if it can become viral. The key is answering a demand, even if it is not particularly unique. Sex is a demand that is biologically driven.

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  • Just Another Sunday

    As I get used to my new job, I am feeling more and more comfortable as the week’s go by. I am also starting to like going to work again. I know a large part of it is because I am finally earning good money for an unarmed security guard/officer. The pay is decent but still kind of low. However, $7.00 per hour more than my previous job is great! So I don’t really mind going in and I’ll have two pay periods in a row with overtime. One thing Denisse and I want is a new bedroom set because the queen sized bed we have now is kind of small for the two of us. I am still a big guy but more to the effect that I am 6’4″ and about 230 pounds.

    I spent some time this morning on Facebook Marketplace and found a likely king-sized bedroom set candidate. I just have to show it to Denisse but I have a feeling she won’t veto it too badly. At least I hope not because it is kind of my taste in furniture. I don’t like light woods. I prefer medium to darker woods. The price though is not so right. I am hoping I can get the seller to knock a little bit more off of the price. That much said, it’s a nice used set.

    I am also happy that I have only two payments left on Denisse’s engagement ring. I didn’t really have the means to spend more than $1500 at the time. I am thinking that her wedding band will be much nicer. At some point, I am going to need to buy a car and I want to get a better machine to act as a server than I currently have. There’s Christmas ahead and other things. I hate poverty.

    I also would like a motorcycle again because they’re a lot of fun. I miss riding very much and I would like to find a big ol’ cruiser like a Kawasaki Vulcan Nomad 1600! I had a 1500 when I lived in Gilbert, AZ. That was a fun bike and I enjoyed it very much. I guess I have some nostalgia from when I lived in the desert. I have some fun memories of long rides to the middle of nowhere. Well, perhaps I’ll get a bike again one day.

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  • Thinking About Self-Education

    I am thinking about doing some disciplined self-education. I saw that MIT has something that they call a “Micro Masters” program. I am particularly interested in some of the business and technoogy-related courses being offered so that I can better develop my value proposition and skills to sell. The problem is coming up with a schedule and being disciplined about it. I don’t know that I am lazy exactly or that I do not have drive but I struggle with routine and these kinds of things. Sometimes I have difficulty starting a learning journey when it comes to topics other than technology. I have to develop an interest in other areas in order to grow.

    There is time to do these learning activities. I generally wake up early and have a couple of hours before work which I could utilize more beneficially. Sometimes I am angry at the sheer amount of time that I waste that could be going to learning and self-development. I love learning but I want to expand my horizons beyond technology. I want to learn things like business and finance. Ultimately, I want to be a better and more rounded person.

    I am feeling pretty okay this morning but I am finding myself needing something personally challenging to do. I cannot explain this antsy feeling I have. It is almost like a discomfort in my own skin and I want to break out of it. This is the best way to describe it. I feel like I am destined for something better than this current life. But betterment is not in the future. The opportunities exist now in the present. I want to be mindful.

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  • Feeling Good

    My depression and anxiety seem to be in a waning phase because I am doing much better overall. The thing I hate most about my brain is that depression seems to wax and wane with me. But I will take the good news. Yesterday I was feeling really relaxed and confident at work. Maybe I am finally beginning to feel comfortable in my new role. For me, this is absolutely huge because I had a lot of trouble adjusting; to the point of having a panic attack. Now that I am starting to feel comfortable, I believe things will continue to improve from here. I am definitely enjoying the higher salary.

    I am even feeling fairly good about tomorrow because of my appointment at the Delaware Department of Labor. This will mark the beginning of my journey to entrepreneurship. I have in mind what I want to do and I plan to roll with it. It’s time to launch this IT training business and start with a contract with the Department of Labor. If all goes well, I will seek contracts with other agencies for training and education. I would love to expand this into a brick and mortar business with classroom and lab. I want to develop true professionals, not simply someone that can pass a certification exam.

    I am ready for the next path in life; one towards more independence and away from having a boss and navigating the mine field that a corporate life is. It would be so great to build Avvira Global into an IT training dynasty, sell 85% of it, and then retire with some residual income. This is going to take discipline and work but it’s a good kind of work because I am furthering my own goals instead of some organization’s. But one day at a time and living in the present is my mantra. Tomorrow will merely mark the beginning.

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  • Beautiful Day

    It’s such a beautiful day and I wish I didn’t have to go to work so I could enjoy it. I might do some extra outside tours just because it is so nice. I can imagine the sunset tonight. I’m going to try and be outside for sunset. Also, for some strange reason my feet feel fantastic. I hope this continues because it feels like the diabetic neuropathy has diminished. I’ll take the win as they say. 

    I’m on tenterhooks about Wednesday. I’m excited to begin the process of self-employment and entrepreneurship with the assistance programs. It’s still 2 days away but I am nonetheless ready.

    I’m building a better life and that’s what is important. One day at a time. I wish it could be faster but it is what it is. Patience is important in today’s world.

  • A Rainy Saturday Morning

    I had to wake up early this morning because of a snafu at Walgreens. Despite it being a rainy morning and not wanting to take the bus to Walgreens, I did it and got that over with. I find rain very relaxing and enjoyed hearing the drops on my umbrella. There was something quite soothing about that, especially in the face of what life is throwing at me right now. My professional life is in absolute shambles. I have a co-worker that is dedicated to making my life miserable. From day one she decided she does not like me. That is perfectly okay but you still have to be civil, polite, and professional in the workplace. She is not.

    This morning I have to go into work early for a staff meeting and I am dreading it. I do not want to go to this staff meeting at all because it’s not going to be a good experience. There’s going to be stress and gripes and I just don’t want to hear it. Furthermore, I am not looking forward to what this one co-worker is going to say or do to try and sabotage me. It’s a good thing I sent an email to my manager yesterday to let him know what was going on. Hopefully he will deal with it.

    I feel exhausted and done. Again, I had a night that didn’t give me much in the way of sleep. I seem to have an easy time falling asleep but I just don’t like that I am waking up one or two times. I’d really like to sleep through the night; dead like a log. My brain is going in 360 different directions right now. I am trying to live in the present. What can I do right now to self-soothe? The most obvious thing is to listen to the Kitaro radio station on Pandora and let my mind drift away.

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  • Not Gonna Lie

    The last time I felt this hopeless, I wound up in a behavioral health hospital. So what’s different this time? I’m using my skills. I’m using my coping skills. When I was in my 20s, I had thought seriously about running guns or selling drugs because I had such difficulty finding work. My thoughts are turning back to that. I now understand Walter White from Breaking Bad. I am beyond sympathetic. I’m empathetic. What else can you do when faced with the impossible?

    I’m using one of the best DBT techniques out there: a rubber band around my left palm. It has just enough tension that I can feel. Oddly, it’s calming. My therapist taught me this technique. I may need to pull out all stops to keep calm and survive the rough patch. I have to. I have no other choice. I want to get it in gear for August 26th. I want to be ready for the important first step towards entrepreneurship. The road ahead will be long and hard but rarely is anything worth doing easy.

    If my business teaching computers happens to do well, I’m legit going to be happy because I will be out of the rat race that I am in. I’ll be doing what I love and hopefully spark a passion from my students. Eyes on the prize. Less than 5 days now.

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