Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • Best Piece Of Advice

    Daily writing prompt
    What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?
    View all responses

    The best piece of advice that I’ve ever been given was to become more of an active listener and observer. I know my parents drilled that into my autistic brain but it took a long time to percolate. Throughout my life I have had difficulty with social skills and it was really because I talked a lot and did not listen enough. I think I talked a lot due to nervousness or being uncomfortable. I don’t really know why. My brain made the official connection much later in life when I was in my early 40s.

    Unfortunately, the connection came when I had to go to a funeral with an ex-girlfriend of mine, Amanda. I was privately in a tizzy because the last funeral I went to was when I was a young teenager and I have no memory. I had no idea how to act and I did not want to cause further harm or trauma to the family. It then dawned on me that I do not have to be the first in line to offer condolences. I can observe and copy what other people do. I could observe what works and what does not work based on the behavior of others.

    This was one heck of a personal breakthrough. Not only did I behave appropriately, but I got a hug from one of the family members for my kind and genuine words. I’ll consider that a win, because overnight, my social skills improved a great deal. I noticed that people were receiving me better and I was able to have much better interactions with others. It made passing for normal less exhausting and trying.

    So yes, listening and observing more and talking less helps me to not put my foot in my mouth as frequently. Yes, I still do say things awkward once in a while but this is closer to normal than abnormal. If I have one regret it is that I did not listen and observe more. I know my parents tried to really get this into my head, but for some reason, my brain never made the connection. Now that I have this pathway, life has improved. Still, I hate having to pass for normal and it is mentally and physically exhausting. When I get home, I simply collapse.

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  • Some Life Updates

    Yesterday I connected with my Vocational Rehabilitation counselor, Becca. I had originally intended to go to the Department of Labor (DVR in Delaware falls under DoL) only to pick up bus passes for my fiancee. However, I bumped into Becca, and asked her if we could meet. I was glad that to learn that she had some appointments cancel and we could meet. I know that I have to rethink my direction in life; even menial jobs working for somebody else are becoming impossibly difficult for me to perform. I asked her about small business opportunities and assistance for people with Autism. I was surprised to learn that DVR does have a program for such a path. Even more so, I felt happy like I might have help with an escape from the pit of despair that I am in.

    It turns out that my new job is materially worse than my previous one. The only better part about it is the $22 per hour pay rate but the rest of it is an exercise in impossibility for me. I do not multitask very well at all and those demands are being placed on me. Since it’s just too much and I’ve come to realize that the work place has just fundamentally changed. More and more is being expected of fewer and fewer people. I am just not that competitive anymore. So it’s time to take the small business route and look into those resources.

    I am strongly thinking about opening my own IT Training Academy that will teach high school kids and post high school adults. I am thinking that we will do everything from teaching basic computer use up through career preparation with a smattering of my own curriculum mixed in. Since I already have my LLC formed, I’ll just operate it under the Avvira Global name or possibly another. That’s just for a bit further down the pike. I think I would like to teach simply because there is a bit less pressure and we can explore all kinds of rabbit holes. My plan of course would be to eventually not do the teaching role and hire folks to do it for me. I don’t know how feasible this is but that will be for a program to tell me and not for me to decide.

    I could also revisit the drop shipping business I have in mind to run called SwagHarbour. The idea is that I would do logo merchandise and corporate brand identity-related things. I have some thoughts here like custom designed merchandise but there are a lot of other folks doing this and how do I build a brand here. I’d just be another e-commerce shop in a sea floating with them. I couldn’t compete on price but maybe customer experience? I don’t know really.

    I don’t think I would enjoy this as much because I really want to eat, sleep, and breathe technology. As stupid as the previous phrase sounds, I am happiest when doing what I love. I love to experiment, tinker, and teach others how to do so. Computers can be fun when you can experiment with them. I actually envision a comprehensive teaching for high school students that does a lot more than simply career prep. It will give a strong theoretical background and delve into a lot of the topics often glossed over in many other career prep curricula.

    Maybe if I can keep this in the forefront of my mind, I will feel better because I won’t feel stuck and full of worry. I know there is still stress in being an entrepreneur but it’s a different kind. I am done trying to interpret expectations and unwritten rules of the workplace. Most workplaces are so unfriendly to people with disabilities like myself. Also, I want to build a business that elevates my community and another e-commerce business does not. I know I will eventually need a brick and mortar location to pull this business off.

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  • Past My Prime

    I now know I am truly past my prime to the point where I am no longer able to do the more advanced parts of physical security anymore. The site I am at is simply too complex for me. There is too much multitasking. I cannot do it anymore. It’s a shame really. Everything seems to get harder as I grow older.

    I proactively reached out to my employer asking for a simpler site. I hope something becomes of the request. I don’t even mind a pay cut. It’s better than potentially getting fired. I could try to reach out to my DVR counselor and see if she can help. I am guessing that she probably will be able to help. Once Allied here’s that this is a disability issue, they’ll be quick to respond.

    I don’t want to declare having a disability because I will always be discriminated against. But what choice do I have? Denisse and I will starve and be homeless if I cannot work. I know I am teetering on a panic attack. I’m just trying to keep it together.

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  • Been A Few Days

    I know I told myself that I would try and write a blog entry every day this year. Well, I haven’t felt much like doing it for the past few days so I will write something today. I started my new job at Allied Universal Security. My first official day out of training did not go well. I had what I thought was a heart attack on Friday, July 31st and was taken to Christiana Hospital. Thankfully, I did not have any evidence of a heart attack but I do have stomach ulcers and was given medication to help them heal. For now, I will have to avoid highly acidic foods and beverages. As well, I will have to avoid spicy foods for a bit. I hope things heal quickly.

    Christiana Hospital is an absolute cluster fuckup of a medical center. They had me in the system as leaving against medical advice from the emergency department. I had misplaced my hospital discharge sheet and I scrambled to get it but Christiana Hospital had no record of an “official discharge.” So, I had to quick go to my primary care this morning, August 3rd. So I missed 2 days of work and I am angry as hell about that. I lucked out that my primary care provider had 2 early cancellations so I swooped in, a nurse practitioner did a quick exam, pronounced me fit to return to work, and so I will. That was very lucky because I was bracing for telling my new boss that I was yet again unable to obtain a doctor’s note.

    I am honestly scared that I am going to lose this job and I don’t know where the fear is coming from because this is not rocket science. I think maybe it is just being in a new role and knowing that I need to earn my place on the team. Plus, it gets harder to change jobs as I get older. I think I just want to stay at Allied Universal until I can retire. I am done changing jobs and looking for more and better. I simply want a place to stay. I am done chasing information technology as a career. If I do anything in IT, it will be as a teaching biz. And that’s a big if.

    In other news, I now have a working landline through a company called Telnyx. It’s relative affordable too. For the little we are going to use it, it’s only going to cost about $5-$10 per month. If the cell network goes down, I want Denisse and I to have a landline backup. I mean sure it is Voice over IP and if there is a massive cell disruption, it could impact internet routing. But having a backup is generally a good idea and a good safety measure.

    Today I am feeling a little better, if maybe I was a little short tempered. But this came from the stress I was under to get the documents needed for me to return to work. Money doesn’t grow on trees and I have to work. Just in case things go south at Allied, I’ve applied to Securitas so I have another plan. The plan isn’t good but better than nothing at all. I hope that it does not come to this. There are lots of great opportunities at Allied. If I am going to have to be stuck in a career that is, at best, okay, I am going to at least stick with Allied. It’s a place I know mostly well. All I really have to do is come in, do my job, and leave. I want my future to be far more simple.

  • Feeling Meh

    Today I feel neither good nor bad. I just feel neutral and I guess that is okay. Yesterday I learned something about performance tuning for VPNs. I managed to drastically improve the performance of the VPN tunnel between my virtual private server in North Carolina and my home lab. I would’ve thought that after glow would carry but it did not. That’s okay. I brought packet latency down from 35ms to < 20ms simply by doing some work.

    Maybe I’m feeling meh because of having to go to work. I’m working the remainder of my notice period as much as I do not want to. I need the cash so it is what it is. On Thursday of next week my new job at Allied begins and I’m looking forward to it. I’ll have more money and (hopefully) less worry.

    Now that my home lab is pretty much complete until I can afford another machine to become a second server, the journey is on hold. Part of me would like to get back into ham radio. My license is still valid. I just haven’t had time or money and the home lab held more interest at the time

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  • Outdated Tech

    Oddly, I miss the pre-IoT days where people weren’t connecting their air fryers and toasters to the Internet. I miss the days of the dumb TVs. These new smart TVs limit consumers to one technology. I’d rather have a dumb TV and plug in an HDMI device of my choice to it. I also miss the good old fashioned carbureted engines. Yes, they’re bad for the environment because they do not have the fancy pollution controls that modern fuel injection has but they were so incredibly easy to work on.

    When I lived in Arizona, I bought a vintage Ford conversion van and I had so much fun with it. You can learn to diagnose engine problems by the sounds they make when the engine starts. No computers, just pure tinkering and fun. Also learning. It was a simple, logical algorithm. If such and such is happening, then do this …. A friend of mine showed me how to rebuild the engine when the head gasket went. I figured I might as well overhaul it.

    How about instead of gasoline, we use hydrogen?! It burns very cleanly!

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  • A Good Zen Quote

    This quote is especially thought provoking to me, especially as someone who has anger issues and a diagnosed mental illness. But I am non-violent. Anyhow, I’ve made many decisions in the past based on anger and they have always been ones I have regretted.

    An action committed in anger is an action doomed to failure.

    Genghis Khan

    I’ve left jobs because I was angry at coworkers or management only to find a new, and sadly, worse job. I’ve lost friends over anger. I’ve lost opportunities too. Thankfully, I have never lost my freedom. I am learning to deprogram the anger through therapy. Although the process is long and hard.

    While Genghis was a master military strategist and student of Sun Tzu, he knew very much that he was anger prone. He learned to step away from making any decisions when emotionally charged. These are lessons I want to learn myself. I am angry at my present employer and co-workers and found a new job.

    This time around I am going to a company that is a known quantity for me so I am hopeful that history will not repeat. I’m ultimately leaving for all of the right reasons however.

    While anger can be a motivator, it should never be the primary reason for a decision. Hell it should never be a reason for a decision that must necessarily be made in a neutral frame of mind.

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  • Changing Jobs Soon

    I have my last 6 days at OPS Security Group and I would be lying if I did not say I feel a bit of mixed emotions. I do like the people I work with but $17/hour is just not enough money. I will miss my colleagues very much, but in a capitalist society, money talks and bull$h1t walks. Unfortunately, OPS as a company has enough bull$sh1t to fill up a large septic tank. The owner does not want to pay his people what they’re worth and as other companies offer more, few people will stay. Employees feel insulted by things like rewards points, pizza, and other gimmicks. They don’t come to work for these things. It’s literally f*ck you, pay me.

    I am excited to start for Allied Universal Security Services again. Yeah, I know they are a mediocre company but they are large and they have plenty of decent opportunities. Employment is more apt to be stable with them than a fly-by-night like OPS. I am grateful to OPS for helping me restart my career in security when it was difficult to get anyone to give me a chance. But that much said, the gratitude quickly wore off when I saw my hard work being rewarded with such low pay. For what I am doing, I am getting scraps returned to me and poverty sucks.

    I decided to take 3 days off in between the end of OPS and the beginning of Allied Universal. That reminds me, at some point I am going to have to sign on to Allied Edge and see what computer-based training modules I need to take. I am sure there are a few out there and I’d originally planned to knock them out (unironically) while on shift for OPS but I am simply too tired right now to think about it. And tomorrow I have to get up early to be back in to work for a 4 hour stint.

    I am hoping that I hear from my friend Matt Yoder tomorrow. I am hoping that he is doing better and thinking of restarting his business. I want to help him out with some IT infrastructure that will not disappoint. That is, if he will even talk to me. I don’t think I am numero uno in his book at the moment.

    I am really ready for this new opportunity. I am just going to embrace the change offered to me and do a decent shift’s work for 22.00/hour. I cannot wait for the weekly pay and even the days when I have to work on a holiday so I can sap up that extra money. Maybe with less financial stress, I’ll be less tired and more idea driven and have more motivation to work on a business. Only time will really tell.

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  • My Biggest Dream

    Daily writing prompt
    What’s your biggest dream?
    View all responses

    My biggest dream is to become my own entrepreneur and escape the life of working for major corporations. I am tired of having my labor exploited for only scraps in the way of salary returned. I am also tired of the dictatorial nature of working for a corporation. I want more freedom and self-determination. Some of that comes with running your own business. Of course I know that I am trading the security of a regular paycheck for said freedom. This is a tough move in a good economy, a poor one notwithstanding.

    I would like to eventually open my own IT training academy but with a twist: making the program longer to include training above and beyond simple vendor certifications. The idea is to train students to be very strong in the reference implementation of internetworking technologies so that when it comes time to become certified in a vendor technology, they are more skilled and capable than someone who simply went the route of CCNA or simpler.

    Since it is impractical for an IT academy to be done virtually right now and a brick and mortar facility is too expensive, I will begin building my brand through content creation in the form of 15-20 minute videos on introductory computer networking and systems administration. I believe this is a good start on the journey and I am encouraged by it. I have a domain name that is only active on email. I want to get a basic, simple website up with YouTube video embeds. I have a web cam and video recording and editing software. I just need a good desktop microphone or I can use my high-quality wired gaming headset; don’t know which just yet.

    But alas, like all ideas that I have had, I’ve never really gotten them started. In fact, I’ve always been long on ideas and short on follow through. Part of that is the corporate life is so exhausting that when I get home, I am tired beyond all recognition. Is this what corporations want from us? Do they want us so tired that we have no energy left to pursue other avenues? Sometimes I think they truly want us, for the lack of a more perfect word, married to them.

    The thing about this dream though is that it really appeals to me in a way that no other dream I have ever had did. I love computers when I can get hands on and experiment with them. Ironically, this idea came to me while I was lying in a hospital bed suffering from a pulmonary embolism, bradycardia, and low blood pressure.

    While in soft tears about my mental and physical health and bemoaning the loss of my information technology career, I asked myself what it was I loved about IT. The answer was and is when I get to tinker and experiment. Corporate IT abhors risk so there is no experimentation. It dawned on me that experimentation is actually encouraged in an academic setting. Wouldn’t it be great to have some impassioned students where everything we do is hands on and we incorporate the theory while being hands on?

    This is the way to go. The students of today tend to be more interested in tactile learning. They don’t want to read and memorize textbooks. Today’s students rebel against traditional education because they kind of know intuitively that the model does not really work. Learning is done best when one eats, sleeps, and breathes it so to speak. An advanced beginner to intermediate that is entirely hands on would really build the future generations of IT professionals.

    I need to come up with a firm start date for the content creation phase. It just occurred to me that by making these videos, it will help me build a cohesive curriculum to teach instead of being so scattered. I am an autodidact which means I taught myself IT. And I taught myself IT by doing, not by reading.

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  • A Bright Spark

    Things have taken a turn for the better this week. Yesterday, despite feeling physically sick and quite tired, I was very happy to have received notification that I would be attending New Employee Orientation at Allied Universal Security on Thursday, July 16th at 10:00AM. While I know that AUS has its warts, a devil I know is better than a devil I do not. I think I have to make peace with security being my bread and butter for the foreseeable future. That’s fine because it forces me to define myself by who I really am, not simply by what I do for a living. At least AUS is a big company, and as long as I do the basic job without infractions, I’ll have work as long as I want it.

    I am also relieved that I will be able to give notice to my existing employer. Yes, I have been indoctrinated. I just don’t know whether I should because my existing employer, OPS Security Group, is (in)famous for showing people the door when they give notice. My new role won’t begin until July 30th and I need the money so maybe I don’t give notice until about 2 days beforehand. So I will probably make the 27th my last day at OPS to give me some rest time. I want to be rested and ready for the new role at $22.00 per hour!

    I really don’t know whether or not to give the courtesy of 2 week’s notice. OPS hasn’t treated me well or with that much respect, and given their proclivity for paying less than the average, I don’t think I would come back here. Management is mostly terrible and mismanaging what could be a good company to work for. At least AUS is a known quantity and free sharp-looking uniforms. Maybe I’ll pick up some vacation time after one year. I think after two years, you get something like 2 weeks but I don’t know.

    Still some good things are in the works and I’ve reason to be excited and reason to look forward to the immediate future