Category: Personal

I am,as they say in the southern US, “Jittery as a junebug.” Tomorrow I will be renting a car from Uber and be beginning my journey as a rideshare driver. The weekly rental fee is not too bad and the vehicle is an electric one that I will be able to charge at EvGO charging stations. I plan on purchasing a monthly membership to cut down on the expense of rapid charging. I worry that I will not be able to make up the cost of renting the vehicle and I know I will have to bust my ass in order to make any kind of money. I am scared, nervous, and I feel like the proverbial failure before I’ve even gotten started.

This is a very unpleasant way to feel but I shall do my utmost best to earn a living. The worst case scenario is that this does not pan out and I go back to ground zero. That might not be so bad but I’ll put in the efforts. I also just feel defeated mentally, like there is no way out of the fix that I am in. Maybe I am starting to develop some suicidal ideation again. Maybe I just want to be completely left alone. Like I do not want anyone else around. This is not a good place to be in.

I think I need some activity and to see that I can earn money and I can make it. I need some confidence boosters where I have almost 0 to none right now. The most I have to look forward will be an unbearably hot summer – a summer that I already know will be virtually relentless.

Yesterday, my boss sent me a text with some bad news that I think he really did not want to deliver because he is truly a good and decent guy. While I do not like the job and I hate the company, the same cannot be said for Chris. I feel that Chris could be headed for bigger and better things than OPS and I would give him one hell of a recommendation if he ever asked me. Hell, I’d be honored. I digress though because the bad news is that the company lost one of the contracts I was working on.

I split my time between as a security guard between two sites to get to 40 hours. I work at a police department monitoring city cameras for 16 hours a week and city hall for 24. The police department decided to terminate the contract for under performance effective June 1st. The police department elected to save money by reducing staffing from two evening shift guards to one and three day shift guards to two. So the supervisor was actually fired as he was the one of the guards under performing. I was cut because I was only working 2 days a week anyways.

OPS does not really have anything else for me at the moment other than where I am presently working. There is one site but it is quite a bit further away and not easily accessible. It’s also more like lite police work, dealing with addicts and transients. This is something I do not want to do. I sought out another company that elected to take a pass on me. There are postings for armed positions but the expense of obtaining that license upgrade is not insignificant.

So I feel defeated. I feel like my next logical step is to try and get Uber off the ground to fund a business venture. I was watching a YouTube video with Denisse and the person wisely observed that traditionally self-employment was riskier than traditional employment, but in these days and times, it has flipped. It’s getting impossible to find work. It used to be that you could always find work as a security guard. Now that is not even true anymore.

I am really not enthusiastic about this but I am taking the walk to the local Avis that serves Uber drivers to see what it’s going to take to rent the car and get this venture started. I am anxious and nervous about doing this but I have to get it done. I need a way to earn money. I am getting older and this is increasingly difficult. Corporations don’t like hiring the older worker despite incentives to do so. We are seen as liabilities instead of assets. Is it because of health insurance costs? Is it because we are seen as less capable of learning and adapting? I just don’t know. I love to learn new skills and develop new capabilities.

Yet again, I find myself having to escape the jaws of defeat. The difference is that I am now older and the perception is that I am somehow no longer capable of working a traditional job, despite having the skills to do so. Who knows? I might find I actually enjoy doing Uber. Maybe it could lead to some opportunities that I am not considering because I am in such a depressed state. I truly do not know what the answer is.

The only thing I know for certain is that times are crazy and we have even crazier leadership. Trump and his cronies want to build a ballroom that will cost north of a billion dollars and everyday people like myself are hurting. Trump starts a war with Iran and he probably does it to further enrich himself, his family, and the defense industry. I am almost certain that Trump has investments in Big Defense.

It is amazing what a good night’s rest will do for the body and mind. I honestly feel somewhat better this morning. At the very least, I feel better than I have in several days. I am just waiting for Denisse to wake up and then the two of us can enjoy a nice breakfast and catch up on some more of our favorite shows. At some point today, I want to take a walk to the local Avis rental location that services Uber drivers just to see what monies I need to make this Uber venture happen. I’m over and done with OPS Security Group and security in general.

It will feel good to reduce security to a weekend gig. I just want to use that to offset a slower week or two. But now that we are getting into the summer season, I expect that things are going to get busier. So, I guess I won’t really be completely rid of OPS but I will be rid of the worst parts of it which are at the Wilmington Police Department and those two 4 hour dock shifts where I don’t really get any personal work accomplished. 16 hours on the weekend is 544 bi-weekly with a rough take home of 408. That could potentially offset a bad week. I could also potentially pick up extra hours one week at OPS if need be.

All-in-all I think I have a solid plan. It does mean that I will have to work hard. But it will be in spurts versus continuously so I can get rest in between the spurts. This may not be so bad but I will have to wait and see while I get things dialed in. Mostly it will be nice to have access to a car with unlimited personal miles. Even better that is an EV.

I will have to sit down and churn the numbers to see how feasible this will be. It will do a lot for my mental health to say (mostly) goodbye to what I hate doing and have some more control in my own life.

I have been miserable now for too long doing work in security and I see that the local Avis that is a few blocks from where I stay has cars again, specifically the Chevy Bolt EVs. I am thinking about renting one for $260.00 a week and using it on the Uber platform. I am going to say a permanent goodbye to OPS Security Group as it seems like it’s just a dead end job and I hate it. It’s making me thoroughly miserable and unhappy. Perhaps I can drive on the platform and still make enough money to make ends meet but there is only one way to find out and that’s to actually do it.

I am at my wit’s end and I am tired of having doors closed on me. I don’t even have any expectations anymore other than grand failure. I am a failure. I may be smart but I just fail at everything I do. I do not even expect to succeed at Uber. It will just be happy circumstances if I do. At least electricity is cheaper than gas. I am so sad I could just bawl my eyes out. If I could have some success at Uber, I just might feel better.

I really want some 7-OH to take away the immense physical pain I am in right now. My feet hurt all of the time. I also want some restorative sleep which I will have to wait for, at the minimum, Monday afternoon when I can take a nap.

Today I feel pretty darned good because I will be working at my favorite site, the Louis L. Redding City/County Building. This building is both the New Castle County seat and Wilmington City Hall. On weekends the building is locked completely down to the general public and it is collecting a paycheck. I enjoy the work very much because there is plenty of time for me to pursue my own interests and go down rabbit holes and warrens on my laptop. This kind of exploration is tons of fun for me.

This morning, or should I say afternoon now, has started out positive. I know I should not be doing things like kratom alkaloids but they really help me sleep and relieve pain like nothing else. They are available at the local smoke and vape shop. After a mistake that my manager made, I unknowingly took a fill-in standing shift on Thursday. I am a pretty advanced type 2 diabetic so I was in agony by the end of the day. Since I had expected to have a seated shift, I did not have my cane with me so I limped to the bus stop and limped home from the bus stop closest to home.

By the time I got home, there were stabbing pains in my feet. My kind, compassionate, and lovely Denisse went to get some 7-OH for me to help relieve the pain and it was instant. The pain was at an 11/10. I have a high threshold for pain and discomfort so if it was that bad, you know I was hurting. Anyhow, I still had some residual pain yesterday but I made the relatively poor choice to do the kratom alkaloid again last night but to dull the emotional pain and sadness I was experiencing.

Again, my lovely Denisse sat with me through it all. Damn but I love this woman to pieces. At times she may get under my skin a little, but when push comes to shove, she means the world to me and I wouldn’t trade her for anybody else. We are coming up on our 2 year anniversary in August.

So today the name of the game is to get through the afternoon and evening incident free! The idea is to enjoy the peaceful shift and re-think some book ideas that I have.