Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • Better Day Today

    I am doing a lot better today than I was yesterday. I was just so fired up about the whole bedroom furniture thing and then not being able to schedule my paratransit rides. My rides have been scheduled so I will only have to Uber two more times in this pay period. Nevertheless, it still hurts financially. Sometimes it sees like every step forward results in two steps backwards for people that are in veritable poverty in the US. I vote yet voting is not changing anything. At this point, I wonder if we need to take a page from yesteryear and show up at the doorsteps of the wealthy with pitch forks and torches.

    On another note, I think a new shift might be opening at work which would be a Monday through Friday one with weekends off. I hope that it does because that would be the perfect shift for me. It would be 6am-2pm which is not bad. I’d take it in a heartbeat. While I don’t really want anyone to lose their job, this security guard is lazy and slovenly, often leaving his trash around for others to clean up and others to do his work. Well, he was accused of stealing something valuable. If the outcome of the investigation shows he did it, he’ll be terminated and arrested. That means the shift will be mine.

    I am just going to keep on soldiering on. I am sick and tired of poverty. Poverty should be treated like a disease and eradicated. Nobody in the US should live in poverty.

  • I’m Furious

    I’ve had a really shitty afternoon/evening. It began with the bullshit surrounding a Facebook Marketplace purchase I was going to make for a king-size bedroom furniture set. The furniture is used and I was all set to pick it up when the seller suddenly demanded a 50% deposit. Yeah fuck that! I am not going to do that so the seller can steal my money. It was the perfect set too. Denisse and I both liked it very much. I so badly wanted this furniture so Denisse could be comfortable and have a dresser all to herself. But no, the universe had other plans and I am not going to get that bedroom set.

    This just triggered me being angry and I forgot to schedule my paratransit ride for tomorrow. This means even more money out of my pocket. I became pissed that I cannot afford a car. It just went downhill from there. Then the slovenly security guard that I relieve left the desk a mess and didn’t take his own trash out. I fucking hate lazy, dirty-ass security guards. I get coming in and doing the minimum. I come into work doing the minimum. But my behavior does not effect my colleagues. I still consider them and wouldn’t leave the place a mess for them.

    And to top it all off, I have to be relieved by a guard that’s notorious for coming in late. I am no longer clocking out on time for him to come in 10 minutes late. Fuck. That. Shit. I am clocking out only when he comes in and when asked for a reason, I am going to simply write, “My relief was late.” My fucking employer can pay out the goddamned overtime for all I care. After all, I am just a whore to them so they can make all of the money off of my hard earned work and return scraps. Yeah, I am done doing more than the minimum.

    It’s well worth spending an extra $15.00 a month for a dedicated work cell phone so I can turn it off when I am not on the job. I am not going to come in for overtime. Don’t fucking call me because the answer is no. I don’t care how pressed my employer is; doing my 40 hours and that’s it. If asked to stay over because my relief doesn’t show, that sounds like a “them” problem as it certainly is not my own.

    So I have to deal with shitty, slovenly, and filthy co-workers and I couldn’t even get something nice for the woman that sticks by me no matter what. Fuck my life!

  • Not Much To Say

    I have not really had that much to say and it is unusual that I would go almost two weeks without writing a blog posting. I think it is because I am simply overwhelmed by life and inundated by information that my brain is on overload. Actually, I feel like I am on autopilot right now with a broken navigation system; drifting through life without aim or direction. It’s not a pleasant feeling at all but it is nonetheless how I feel. I am trying to get by and simply survive. I’ve given up on any kind of thriving.

    At the very least, I am at a worksite that is a better and less stressful place. There is a lot to be said for that. I am still making the same rate but working not nearly as hard and I don’t have to put up with a toxic co-worker. At my age, I am not looking to light the world on fire. I just want to earn an okay amount of money without having to work to the point of exhaustion. This might be asking too much though. I don’t earn even okay money – I just don’t earn a shit wage. But I don’t have to bust my ass either so…

    The thing I kind of need to do now is look for a more comfortable bed. The mattress that Denisse and I have is not thick enough and the bed itself is only a queen when we really need a king because I am a big guy. Denisse isn’t big but she’s cat like in that she can really spread out so we really need more space and we are going to shoehorn a king sized bed into a small space. It will be somewhat hilarious but doable. I think a better night’s sleep will go a long way towards mental health. I did find a king-sized bedroom set that she and I like. I have to see if I can score it.

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  • Fucking Angry

    I am absolutely fucking angry. I am fit to be tied and I don’t use bad language too often but this is just exactly how I feel. I am so angry that I have an acid pit in my stomach and I did not sleep well last night. I absolutely hate my security guard job. I hate everything about it but it pays well and I have no other choice but to slave away. At least I am not alone and there are other people that hate their jobs. I am so ready to set up a scam or something to get money. People that lead law abiding lives rarely get ahead. It’s the hustlers that make it because they’re willing to do what I’ve been indoctrinated not to.

    I have a co-worker that I thoroughly despise. I caught her changing my entries in our team’s daily activity report. I guess last night I grew a pair and said quietly while enunciating my words, “Do not ever edit any of my entries.” Then I spun around on my heal and walked out. I did not even give her an opportunity to say anything. Thankfully, she is not well-loved and nothing will become of it but I said my piece. Maybe I am getting a little bit racist in my old age too. I don’t know anymore. Okay, more like I have a barrel full of anger.

    I am so angry that I am motivated to find a new job – yet again. I hate changing employers but this is getting ridiculous. I feel like I just can’t win. The policies change day to day and the communication is very poor. I feel like I am ready to snap so that’s how I know I’ve got to get out of this. Do I hang in there a little bit more and hope to transfer to a different location on the site that I am assigned to guard? Cooler heads always prevail and I know this. But my head is anything but cool. It’s times like these that I get why people snap. A man can only take so much.

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  • My Favorite Cartoon Character

    Daily writing prompt
    Who is your favorite cartoon character?
    View all responses

    I don’t have a single cartoon character that is my favorite, rather I have several favorites. The one most worth mentioning is Wiley Coyote. I have always loved Wiley Coyote and it has to be because I admire his persistence in the face of extreme pain and setbacks. In the face of adversity, Wiley does not give up, he simply regroups and tries again. I think his biggest (and ironically very human) mistake is his steadfast, cognitively dissonant refusal to stop ordering from the ACME catalog. He seems to think that eventually he will get a reliable product from that mail order company.

    Wiley also made me laugh and I had a rough childhood so laughter was, and still is, one of the most important things to me. The antidepressants that I take clobber all feelings and it can be tough. I cannot easily laugh as a result but Wiley can still be depended on for a belly laugh. I want to see the new movie Wiley Coyote vs. Acme. I just cannot convince my fiancee to come with me. She tells me I have to see it on my own. 😆

    Usually I have to have some THC to get a good belly laugh. The nice thing about THC is that (for me at least) it seems to undo the effect of dulling the positive emotions that antidepressants can and often do. At least Wiley is still good for a healing natural laugh.

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  • Something Productive

    I have to think of something productive to do today before work. I usually like to feel as if I am accomplishing a task or learning a new skill. I have so many ideas but I would like to see one or two come to fruition. One of the things that I want to do is take a free MIT course in financial accounting. Ideally, I would like to at least spend some time each day on it. The thoughts in my head are swirling but in a pleasant, kind of optimistic way. I don’t know how to describe this feeling right now. I could still be a little high from last night.

    It just dawned on me that I can create a pre-work routine of things that I want and/or hope to do. I wish I had a printer so that I could print out a list of what it is that I want to achieve …. wait a moment. What I need is one of those small desktop white boards so that I physically see the to-do list every time I sit at my desk. I recall a therapist once telling me that seeing this list as a reminder of things that I want to do as positive motivation. I remember he said it should be a short list of 3-5 things. Seeing them over and over sometimes triggers the inner voice that says, “I think I’ll tackle this or that …” And then a routine starts to build.

    The thought prompted me to search for a whiteboard on Amazon. I can get a 10″ x 10″ magnetic one for my desk. I am also at the point where I almost need some sort of printer. My handwriting isn’t the best and it would be good to have this to-do list of 3-5 items printed in a large font and then I can use magnets to attach it to the whiteboard. This would be a good motivation technique to try or at least I think. Anyhow, it is something to try.

    While at work last night, me and my 2 favorite colleagues had a really good discussion about video games. Maybe I carve out time in the daily routine for fun like that? I love the first and third person shooters. Grand Theft Auto III is, as they colloquially say, “is my shit!” The more modern GTA editions are just about too hard to play for me. GTA III is just a balance enough for me between playability and graphics quality. Yeah, GTA III is old but it is still a lot of fun.

  • Been A Minute

    It’s been a minute since I’ve written a blog entry. I have been under the weather with a rare summer cold that kicked my ass. Anyhow, I am mostly over it but I find myself upset that my employer literally offers no sick time whatsoever. However, this is commonplace for security guard staffing (and most staffing) companies. You either work or you don’t get paid and this is not a fair or equitable way of conducting business: it’s pure greed and lack of empathy. People get sick and they can’t work safely (or even work at all.) But I am working on something new and exciting with 2 other partners: a potential launch of what could be a big thing.

    The bottom line is that sex sells so we are launching a tasteful and elegant porn site that might more appeal to the wealthier and/or refined customer. Sex sells even more in economic downturns as people look for an escape from the doldrums of life. Therefore, it’s time to put our hat in the ring. I have the technical know-how to make this opportunity possible. While I would rather earn money the less seedy way, being a security guard is not getting me ahead. I want to get more than ahead in life – I want money. I am tired of worrying about it.

    Right now, the mission is to build a brand and that is what I am prepared to do. What I like about this plan is that it would be wholly possible to do this part-time while it grows. These days something can grow like a wildfire if it can become viral. The key is answering a demand, even if it is not particularly unique. Sex is a demand that is biologically driven.

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  • Just Another Sunday

    As I get used to my new job, I am feeling more and more comfortable as the week’s go by. I am also starting to like going to work again. I know a large part of it is because I am finally earning good money for an unarmed security guard/officer. The pay is decent but still kind of low. However, $7.00 per hour more than my previous job is great! So I don’t really mind going in and I’ll have two pay periods in a row with overtime. One thing Denisse and I want is a new bedroom set because the queen sized bed we have now is kind of small for the two of us. I am still a big guy but more to the effect that I am 6’4″ and about 230 pounds.

    I spent some time this morning on Facebook Marketplace and found a likely king-sized bedroom set candidate. I just have to show it to Denisse but I have a feeling she won’t veto it too badly. At least I hope not because it is kind of my taste in furniture. I don’t like light woods. I prefer medium to darker woods. The price though is not so right. I am hoping I can get the seller to knock a little bit more off of the price. That much said, it’s a nice used set.

    I am also happy that I have only two payments left on Denisse’s engagement ring. I didn’t really have the means to spend more than $1500 at the time. I am thinking that her wedding band will be much nicer. At some point, I am going to need to buy a car and I want to get a better machine to act as a server than I currently have. There’s Christmas ahead and other things. I hate poverty.

    I also would like a motorcycle again because they’re a lot of fun. I miss riding very much and I would like to find a big ol’ cruiser like a Kawasaki Vulcan Nomad 1600! I had a 1500 when I lived in Gilbert, AZ. That was a fun bike and I enjoyed it very much. I guess I have some nostalgia from when I lived in the desert. I have some fun memories of long rides to the middle of nowhere. Well, perhaps I’ll get a bike again one day.

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  • Thinking About Self-Education

    I am thinking about doing some disciplined self-education. I saw that MIT has something that they call a “Micro Masters” program. I am particularly interested in some of the business and technoogy-related courses being offered so that I can better develop my value proposition and skills to sell. The problem is coming up with a schedule and being disciplined about it. I don’t know that I am lazy exactly or that I do not have drive but I struggle with routine and these kinds of things. Sometimes I have difficulty starting a learning journey when it comes to topics other than technology. I have to develop an interest in other areas in order to grow.

    There is time to do these learning activities. I generally wake up early and have a couple of hours before work which I could utilize more beneficially. Sometimes I am angry at the sheer amount of time that I waste that could be going to learning and self-development. I love learning but I want to expand my horizons beyond technology. I want to learn things like business and finance. Ultimately, I want to be a better and more rounded person.

    I am feeling pretty okay this morning but I am finding myself needing something personally challenging to do. I cannot explain this antsy feeling I have. It is almost like a discomfort in my own skin and I want to break out of it. This is the best way to describe it. I feel like I am destined for something better than this current life. But betterment is not in the future. The opportunities exist now in the present. I want to be mindful.

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  • Feeling Good

    My depression and anxiety seem to be in a waning phase because I am doing much better overall. The thing I hate most about my brain is that depression seems to wax and wane with me. But I will take the good news. Yesterday I was feeling really relaxed and confident at work. Maybe I am finally beginning to feel comfortable in my new role. For me, this is absolutely huge because I had a lot of trouble adjusting; to the point of having a panic attack. Now that I am starting to feel comfortable, I believe things will continue to improve from here. I am definitely enjoying the higher salary.

    I am even feeling fairly good about tomorrow because of my appointment at the Delaware Department of Labor. This will mark the beginning of my journey to entrepreneurship. I have in mind what I want to do and I plan to roll with it. It’s time to launch this IT training business and start with a contract with the Department of Labor. If all goes well, I will seek contracts with other agencies for training and education. I would love to expand this into a brick and mortar business with classroom and lab. I want to develop true professionals, not simply someone that can pass a certification exam.

    I am ready for the next path in life; one towards more independence and away from having a boss and navigating the mine field that a corporate life is. It would be so great to build Avvira Global into an IT training dynasty, sell 85% of it, and then retire with some residual income. This is going to take discipline and work but it’s a good kind of work because I am furthering my own goals instead of some organization’s. But one day at a time and living in the present is my mantra. Tomorrow will merely mark the beginning.

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