I haven’t been able to write much because I couldn’t even muster the concentration up until now to even write from a stream of consciousness. Now at least I can do that. Yesterday was really tough because I ended things with Denisse. I am at the end of my rope with nothing left to give. Last night I went to lay down in our bed to go to sleep and the bed smelled of beer! She drank and spilled beer in our bed! Up until that moment, I might have been willing to reconcile or go to couples therapy. I am not anymore. Now I am no longer even attracted to her physically. I am sorry to say that I feel repulsed by her.

I cannot help how I feel and I am feeling a whole swirl of feelings from guilt at feeling disgusted and guilt at not being willing to reconcile to relief that this is finally over. I am tired of the barriers that Denisse put up for not finding work and putting everything on me and then telling me how I should spend my own money. I am just too tired to really be angry. I just want freedom from responsibility for her. I am financially ruined and I have nothing left to give.

I am used to having someone else in the house and the house feels empty. It’s weird because it’s so quiet and I am just not used to that. But like anything, I will again get used to it. Throughout my life I have been very comfortable on my own and generally don’t mind it. I can get back to that level of mindset and comfort. Maybe I’ll even long term foster a kitty so I have a creature that loves me as much as I love him or her.

Denisse needs housing and it will be up to the hospital’s social workers to start that process. Then it can be arranged for her to get her belongings from the apartment and it will be over. Somehow I feel like I should be more understanding but that’s my own inner voice being self critical. The objective fact is that I have been a good person. It is not selfish to need to consider my own mental health and needs instead of putting other peoples’ needs in front of my own.

Now I want to work on myself for a while. I more than simply hate my job but I hate the career field that I am working in. Hate is a strong word but it sums up exactly how I feel. Now maybe I can find a way to earn money so that I don’t loathe what I am doing. My life has come to yet another crossroads but I think I am handling it better than I have done in the past. Instead of completely breaking down, I am just considering my next moves.