Category: Mental Health

Today marks the beginning of a new week and it has not started out so well. I feel really nauseous and tired which is bringing me down; feet hurt as well because of the diabetic neuropathy. I wish life would be easier but it is not. But I am very excited for my friend, Jim. He has a really promising interview today and I am cheering him on. The job would be perfect for him because it is work from home. I hope he will fill me in on the details.

I just don’t know what I feel like doing. My boss offered me a shift today but I couldn’t take it because of the nausea and the fact that I would be standing all day long. That will be a recipe for tossing my cookies. I could’ve really used the money from the shift. Hopefully an extra shift or two will come up later this week when I am feeling better.

Why does it feel like I am going in circles? Why does it feel like I am constantly setting goals only to never start them? I think this is the depression talking. Depression does correlate well with inertia and I do know this. How do I light a fire under my fanny to get this business going and what am I so afraid of? I think these will all be questions to ask my therapist, Nan, tomorrow. They’re topics to be discussed. Maybe the goals I have set are too much for me right now and I need to start smaller and simpler …..

I think I will make a nutritious breakfast for myself. I know I would like to be eating more fruits and vegetables in my diet. I am not eating enough of these basic foods and I know it is not helping me any.

I always feel good the day after taking in a little THC. I feel relaxed, anxiety-free, and certainly a lot less angry and bitter. Still, taking THC is a maladaptive coping method so I will spend some time today looking for a meditation group in my neighborhood. If one does not exist, maybe this would be an opportunity for me to start one. The benefits of meditation are many and well-studied.

I think it may rain today and they’re calling for the possibility of thunderstorms. I like a good thunderstorm so I will have that to look forward to. In the mean time, I don’t have any grand plans for today. I just want a lazy-ish day where I don’t go anywhere and I don’t do anything at all. This would be good for me.

Perhaps I will do some more concerted computer work this afternoon. I don’t really know just yet as I am waiting for Denisse to awaken and see what she’s up to. If I do decide to do some computer work this afternoon, I will unbox my VoIP phone and get my desktop switch up and operational. I think my desktop switch might be power over ethernet capable.

I do not have a whole lot going on today. Originally, Denisse and I were going to see Project Hail Mary but I don’t think we will make it. Denisse had a fall last night and probably bruised her tail bone. This would make things really uncomfortable. I know when I am hurting I want to stay home. If she does not want to go out, then I will happily take care of her.

I don’t particularly feel motivated to do anything. Last week was a long one and I am tired. I’d be just as content to having a lazy recovery day. While I am conflicted and do not exactly want to waste the day, I know giving my brain some rest would be good. I was in really rare form last night being both tired and pissed off at the world.

Anger takes a lot out of me and I just had this insight as I am writing this blog entry. Anger, despite helping me to prevent a depressed state, is exhausting and all-consuming. I want to make more headway on my business but it’s not going to happen today. Despite knowing rationally that I am headed towards a wasted day, I realize that forcing my brain to work on the business idea will not be fruitful. In the end, it could make me angrier and more bitter.

I am content to have a day where I surrender myself to mindful entertainment. I will keep my phone in a different room so I am not tempted to pick it up and engage on trivial matters on social media. Today, I want to appreciate the simple pleasures like spending time with the love of my life and maybe a little THC tonight. I may skip the THC though because it honestly makes me “stoopid” the next day.

This morning I am really writing from a stream of consciousness. I want to get back to unguided meditation as a form of relief from anxiety and depression because it is a healthier coping skill than use of substances. The results from meditation provide tangible relief from depression, anxiety, and anger without making me feel dopey. Conversely, I feel clearer and more focused after a good and long meditation session.

I am at my dead end part time job doing security work and finding myself doing some heavy thinking about government. I’m disturbed at the amounts of money and resources being thrown at surveillance of the internet. The most recent age verification angle is particularly disturbing. I am angry that a contingent of the Linux community is willfully bending to these laws instead of fighting them. I get why Red Hat and Fedora capitulate but I don’t agree with it. I hope other distros won’t kowtow to government surveillance.

I am personally convinced that it is time to do an open subversion of government surveillance attempts. I know I risk being branded as a domestic terrorist as a result of my views but I don’t necessarily care. It’s all about bumping up against the legality line without crossing over into criminality. We have a right to be secure digitally too. It’s one reason why I want to create a secure network. I just don’t know how to appropriately police it so as to avoid crossing into criminality.

I’ve thought about creating a secure network in the past but it’s only been thoughts. I know that I would like to legally thwart government surveillance. What if a closed-loop virtual private network could be created where all communication stays within the confines of the network? Everything would have to be encrypted and no logs kept. What if I simply made it free? Could I bypass the laws designed to assist the government in its surveillance?

I mean yes it could be abused as any tool or system can but I like to err on the side of freedom. The freedom to communicate without being spied on is fundamental. Government should live in fear of, and serve, its citizens; not the other way around. I keep going back to Benjamin Franklin’s very prescient statement, “Those that would sacrifice liberty for security gain none and deserve neither.”

I want to live in a world where I can have a discussion with a friend over long distances without having to be concerned with having my conversations recorded or analyzed. I want to be free to post my opinions and thoughts without being placed on a watch list somewhere. Well, to be honest, I am probably on a watch list because I am not afraid of making my opinions known. Therefore certain parties might be concerned that I would somehow diminish their power.

I already made the conscious choice to do everything on open source software and operating systems. I do not use anything proprietary or non-free. This alone means I run against the grain of society. Doesn’t the old adage, “The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.” apply very well to the US?

Has anyone else noticed how bad customer service has gotten? Companies have no problem taking your money but when their product or service doesn’t work, it takes five times as long to get it resolved. They also have no problem instantly taking your money yet somehow it takes “7-10 business days” to get your refund. It’s only getting worse.

I remember a job that I once had to stand up a call center in Cebú, Philippines. It was a good thing my manager had me go there because the place was a boiler room. The computers used were out of date, unpatched operating systems, ancient hardware, and the facility had inadequate internet bandwidth. I felt bad for the agents and the misery was palpable. I blame US corporate greed for this. What’s more is that the company that owned the call center was based in the US.

If my business ever gets big enough to need dedicated CS agents, I am not going to go the way of outsourcing this. I’m not feeding the call center industry. I’m not going to beat up my customers and frustrate them, even if it means I will ultimately earn less money. My customers are deserving of the best support possible. As a consumer, I hate dealing with poor support.

Corporations don’t even really care about the customer. You’re just a number. Okay, I’ll bite, they care about you until they have your money. Once they have your money, you’re a burden. That’s no way to run a business.