Category: Mental Health

This is going to be one long rant so just skip it if you don’t want to read. This day has been craptastic. My job sends me to the wrong site so I have to pay extra money to go to the correct site. I ask if they could give me a little help and the answer is almost always no. This will be the last double shift that I ever do for this company. They can figure it out.

The only reason I agreed to do the double shift in the first place is because I was under the impression that I wouldn’t have to stand from 8-4. Now when midnight rolls around I am going to be tired beyond all reason. I hate that companies think they own me. Two words: fuck that. The only freedumb in America is for one to be exploited.

More people need to stand up for their rights. Damn I am in a foul mood! I feel like baiting someone into an argument. I’m in rare form and spoiling for a fight. I wonder if I am just going to snap. Yeah wouldn’t that be a sight to see.

At least I have something to look forward to tomorrow morning. I cannot wait to sit in zazen for a bit. It’s been a long time since I’ve practiced Zen meditation so I don’t expect any immediate benefits. In fact, I may have difficulty letting everything flow through me unheeded and unacknowledged. Zen takes a certain amount of patience and stoicism. I hope that it will be like riding a bike and I can pick up where I left off.

I guess if I could manage 15-30 minutes that would be great. I want to quiet my mind and this is the way. Medication does not work as I’ve been diagnosed with treatment resistant major depressive disorder. Meditation was the answer a decade ago. I remember after doing it for a month I began to have tangible benefits. I remember being utterly relaxed and filled with joy and gratitude without any substances.

Basically, I need to take actions. Instead of telling myself I am going to meditate eventually, I’ve come up with the exact time frame.

I am proud of myself for a step I took yesterday. I went ahead and ordered a Zen meditation bench. It was a small and simple step towards better health. I know I really want to start Zen meditation again and make it a daily routine. The small and simple step of acquiring a tool will help tremendously towards establishment of this routine. I feel a sense of accomplishment for doing this.

Anyhow, the bench will make it possible for me to sit in zazen comfortably for decent periods of time. I am a bit infirm and unsteady at the moment so a tool like this will help to ease the establishment of the routine. I am seriously super excited for its arrival on Thursday.

I think clarity of mind, body, and spirit will unlock all kinds of future opportunities and open doors that could be almost limitless. I am so glad that I watched E-motion 2.0. While I don’t agree with everything in the documentary, I am a fan of taking information that jibes with me and running with it. The documentary convinced me of the importance of a healthy mind, body, and spirit.

I see myself doing meditation when I wake up in the mornings. This will start out the day with clarity. I am convinced that I can overcome some of my sickness through taking care of myself at a basic, wholesome level. It’s my hope that through concerted meditation, I can free myself of the burden that life in America can be.

This morning I am feeling physically better than yesterday. I am not nearly as nauseous which is a big relief. It might explain why I have more motivation to do a few things. One thing I would like to do is some technology setup. I would like to get my desktop switch live and going so I can setup my desk phone as there are not enough ports on my router. I may do that this afternoon if boredom creeps in.

I wish I knew why Ozempic was really causing me so much grief because it worked so well. I will have to work with my doctor and the practice social worker to get qualified for something else. From what I understand, Zepbound or WeGovy could be better for me. Either way, it’s going to take some discussion first. I need to make an appointment to see my primary care doctor.

I did take an important step last night which I am proud of. I began shopping for a Zen meditation bench and found a likely candidate for $39 on Amazon. I know that I want to be serious about regular meditation because it is empirically proven to have profound physical and mental health benefits. So I am very happy that I began taking a serious look at what I would need to make this happen.

I had more time to process the documentary that I saw last night called E-motion 2.0. I might have actually gotten a little bit more out of it than I first suspected. It got me seriously thinking about regular meditation and working towards good physical health through eating better. It is entirely possible to eat more nutritiously without having to spend more money for premium foods. Something about the documentary got me over the inertia over routine change. I needed something exactly like that.

If regular meditation could help reduce the anger, depression, and anxiety that I feel, I hope years of my life could come back. I hope that I could reverse some of the damage done to my body. The body is, as the documentary correctly notes, designed to heal itself. It would be great if I could even get a small reduction in the amount of pain/discomfort that I experience daily.

I just saw a documentary called E-motion 2.0. It wasn’t bad and I gained some insight. However, the film had a decidedly anti-western medicine. I believe that both western medicine and eastern medicine can coexist and augment each other. The film left me wondering if I made a concerted effort at meditation, could it unlock some joy or inner peace? The trouble is I never did it long enough to gain lasting benefits.

I’m setting a goal for myself to meditate 2-3 times per week. When I mean meditate, I mean in the unguided and silent form. I know it will take practice and patience. But the effort will pay off. At least it did in the past so I think it could work again.

The one thing I did not agree with in the film was blaming pesticides and GMOs. To be honest, without the benefits of GMO we would have trouble feeding our population. Obviously, we should eat more nutritiously and foods lower in saturated fats but an apple is an apple, even if it has been genetically modified somewhat. It will still contain beneficial fiber and vitamins. Usually the anti-GMO and the pro so-called clean eating crowd have an angle they want to sell you on.

So I am somewhat cynical but it comes down to balance and I know I am leading a life out of balance. I’m paying the daily price for it. I’m in a constant state of discomfort, and to an extent, pain. It’s a downward spiral that I want desperately to stop. Ironic how depression makes this seem infinitely harder.

I am going to have to speak with my doctor about a medication change from Ozempic to some other GLP-1 inhibitor because I am now pretty much nauseous all of the time. I don’t think I can tolerate this stuff any more. I put up with it for a good long while but no more. Well that much aside, I am doing okay if a bit on the tired side. I seem to be always tired which I don’t know if it is depression or I am legitimately not resting well.

I don’t know what is in store for me today. I don’t really have any grand plans and I certainly don’t have the energy to really do that much. No sense in forcing a square peg into a round hole so I’ll ride out the inertia. I did learn a lot about Linux containers in the past two days. I have a good website development stack set up in a container so I am ready to go when I have the concentration.

I am really having trouble concentrating. As much as I like the show, The Madison, a Taylor Sheridan masterpiece, I keep losing track of the story line because it is complex. I am going to give it a shot again but this time keeping anything that could distract me out of the room. The show flips time frames quickly so it requires concentration. There isn’t much more to write about today because even writing is not booting up my brain at the moment.