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I am definitely feeling more fear, uncertainty, and doubt this morning and it is feeding the anxiety cycle. I don’t know why I feel so awful this morning. The past couple of days I awoke feeling at least at baseline. But today, I feel like I am “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I know it’s not good for the mental health to ruminate on this subject matter but I am writing my thoughts and feelings down to stop them from swirling. In many ways, I want to completely give up, yet I know that giving up has never really been in my wheelhouse. As a former psychiatrist once noted about me, I have an innate stubbornness.

It just dawned on me that I am still very much a creature of habit, maybe even somewhat Pavlovian. I am still finding myself wanting to reach out to food for comfort despite that no longer working. Food just makes me feel full and no longer gives me satiation. Don’t get me wrong as this is a good thing but it is a habit that is hard to nix. I used food for damn near all of my life as a coping strategy.

Okay, I digress …. I went off on a tangent because I used to use food to handle the fear, uncertainty, and doubt. Another insight came as a result: As much as I tell myself that I do not live in fear, I am merely only denying it. I guess I live in more fear than I really want to admit because I look down on people that live in fear. Ironic, isn’t it!? Having some fear is healthy and hopefully deters us from making poor decisions. But a life lived in a disproportionately fearful existence, is very unhealthy.

I need balance in my life and I miss the restorative power of simple Zen meditation. When I regularly practiced the pure unguided meditation, I felt much better mentally. Since I felt much better mentally while I was regularly practicing, I found myself not using maladaptive practices like reaching for food as a coping mechanism. It took time, patience, and effort to see benefits, but the results were nevertheless tangible.

I find myself asking the same question day in and day out: How am I going to survive today? I would love to see life beyond simply surviving but that’s where my present state of mind is. Maybe my one goal today will be to seek out a mediation center in Delaware and restart this activity. If I can lower the anxiety to reasonable levels, I know I will see benefit. Fear, uncertainty, and doubt are a part of life and meditation helped to keep it in check.

I hate it when I have a nightmare that resumes after interrupted sleep. The nightmare I had clearly reflects the stress and anxiety I am feeling and experiencing. I hope this does not set the tone for the day. I think the dream I had is symbolic of hell because lava was leaching to the surface of the earth. It was terrifying. I remember seeing people burning to death right in front of me. I should have just woken up and used the early morning hours productively.

This afternoon at 1:00, I have a webinar from SCORE. This is one that will help me develop and write my business plan. I may go to the library for that one and be productive. I need to kind of get out and start writing this business plan while doing some research. I think I will feel better if I am productive.

Next time I have this recurring nightmare scenario, I will just wake up and stay up for a bit. Perhaps letting the intensity fade from letting time pass will prevent sleep like this. It will be something that I have to try. For today, I know having accomplished a few things will make me feel better.

The title sums up exactly how I am feeling right now. I didn’t feel this bad this morning. I’m overwhelmed by life right now. I’m fighting this feeling of sadness, anxiety, and hopelessness. I think the recent news about the bombing of Iran, the forced prayer of the troops, and the increasing difficulty of simply existing are coming to a head. I don’t know what a correct perspective is anymore. I feel the impending sense of doom strongly.

It’s almost like why should I even try anymore? What’s the use if we are all just heading towards Armageddon and evangelicals support Trump’s push towards destruction? Gas prices have now made it a bad idea to drive for Uber because you can guarantee Uber’s payouts aren’t increasing. I don’t understand the insatiable greed and selfishness. Trump is bringing out the very worst in people by emboldening and enabling the bad behavior. I see it at all levels of society.

I just don’t see things improving at all short of a revolution; complete revolution from the bottom up. The problem is we are so divided into so many different factions that civil war would be immensely destructive and costly. I wish for revolution badly because we need it.

I’m even feeling like a failure and only a dreamer. Unironically, I had a psychopath for a 5th grade teacher that basically levied that accusation against me. Dreaming is what kept me alive throughout the many miserable years I’ve had. Now I see that there may be folly in dreaming.

Maybe the teachers I had in grade school were not wrong when they said I would ultimately be a failure. Maybe their predictions were not so far off. Not all of this is me mind you. Society has special hatred and intolerance for people with disabilities. Now even the quiet part is being said out loud. When does the government come to imprison me based on eugenics?

I thought I’d be utterly done after work on Sunday night. Instead, was in a go mode. It’s almost like I feel so energized. Working on building a business and a brand is a creative kind of fun. I literally feel so empowered. The more time I spend learning about business opportunities, the more my thinking expands beyond my typical boundaries. I never thought, for the life of me, that I would be considering starting my own clothing line.

I am kind of impressed by this line of thinking that is clearly outside of the box for me. I think it means that I am growing personally and that makes me happy. I have some really fantastic ideas for a clothing line. Where I fall short is that I am not a graphic artist by trade. The cool thing though is that I have great mental imagery and capacity to use technology and tools. So I am going to take advantage of this. I have the ability to take my ideas and put them into precise written language.

I never even thought about e-commerce before. Now, I am considering e-commerce and drop shipping. The newest technology tools are really opening up avenues that never would have been previously available to me. It’s exciting and a bit nerve-wracking at the same time. Well, there’s no time like the present to wade in the waters. Again I am excited and nervous at the same time.

I’m still amazed at how my synapses fired on last Sunday night. I went from thinking about designing corporate swag and logos to, “Holy shit! I think I am about to design my own line/brand of fashion and clothing.” I haven’t had this excitement in some kind of time. I realize these businesses fail more often than they succeed but I have technology on my side. At the very least I can try it with not too much in the way of risk because I can do so much on my own.

I just need a way of building the brand and it’s going to be somewhat slow and steady winning the race. I don’t expect to make millions here. The only expectation I have of myself is to simply try and to be able to tell myself that I will honestly do my very best.

Life seems to be throwing more obstacles at me. This time it’s that I cannot seem to be able to save enough to be able to afford the car rental payment to start Uber. I swear that the deck is stacked against me. And no, I am not paranoid. I’m poor, and as such, it’s difficult to climb out of said state. Being impoverished feels like being in a hole where all of the sides are greased so attempts to climb out fail.

I feel exhausted; quite literally spent beyond imagination. I’m also quite worried because I’ve developed a persistent tremor in my hands. My mom developed the same thing at roughly the same age I am now and she has Alzheimer’s. I’m potentially at risk but it’s not like I can afford vanguard treatment options anyways. I’m going to suffer the fate of the impoverished person.

There is an upside today because I managed to get some things accomplished. I have the basics of a WordPress theme for my business. I have to see if there are any YouTube videos out there about how people handle images and graphics. I don’t know this is presently done. But every day that I can still learn is actually a good one.

Unfortunately, my diabetic neuropathy hasn’t quite cleared up like I had hoped now that my A1C is 6.9%. I needed my cane today. That put me in somewhat of a grumpy mood. Maybe with warmer weather on the horizon I’ll do better.

I’d really like to know how why and how much of the referrers to my blog have come from Reddit. Maybe I mistakenly put my blog URL on it? I don’t know. Anyways, that’s all she wrote for today.

I had grand plans for today but it’s just not going to happen. I’m tired from a week’s worth of caregiving to my elderly mother whom has advanced Alzheimer’s and the beginnings of dementia. Caregiving is mentally and emotionally exhausting. It’s hard seeing my mom decline in health as she is very precious to me.

Yesterday was particularly difficult for me and I was grateful to have Denisse come with me. It even brightened, albeit briefly, my mom’s spirits. My mom had a moment where she did not recognize me and thought I was about to do her harm. That affected me deeply as I know that it’s not her true thinking. I know Alzheimer’s can cause dementia and paranoia.

My mother is a woman ahead of her time. She has two master’s degrees: one in history and another in mathematics. Her mentor for her history degree felt her thesis was dissertation quality so he had it published under her name. Her thesis was about the Salem Witch Trials and is available in the University of Pennsylvania archives. At that time, it was unheard of for a woman with only a master’s degree to have something so worthy of publication.

So in essence, and at the sagely advice of Denisse, I’m beginning the process of mourning now so that when my mom is ready to die, I shall celebrate her life and mourn her passing. I think ultimately that this advice will make the entire process easier to progress through.

The bottom line is that I am spent and need a day of watching movies with my special Denisse. Productivity will have to wait until tomorrow.

Last night was a miserable one sleep-wise so I was up quite early. At any rate, I decided to try out Claude Code and it was a disaster. I am going to see if I can get my money back. Obviously, Claude Code has a ways to go before it is really going to be useful to me. ChatGPT, on the other hand, works quite well. Thankfully, Claude Code refunded my money. That makes me feel better.

It’s quite possible that ChatGPT could be ready for prime time use. I’ve used it to do design a logo for me so I don’t see why it couldn’t give me the skeleton of a theme for WordPress that I could potentially build on. Claude and Grok failed fairly miserably on that front. So at least I kind of have a project for today. But I totally forgot and realized that before I even get to a website phase, I need to consider content layouts and the like.

Thankfully, SCORE has a free recorded webinar on this subject. I know I am eager to plunge ahead but I realized that I am trying to run without walking first. I need a careful plan, preferably a business plan first. I don’t really want to throw up anything half-assed. I want it to look good but I definitely both want and need a plan for the website so that it looks good.

On a more concerning note, I learned yesterday that Uber will be trying out Waymo, a self-driving autonomous vehicle, in my market area which is the Greater Philadelphia area. Why is it that corporations are hell bent on replacing people as a strategy? What happens when most of the population is unemployed and cannot afford the services offered? Do Uber and Lyft collapse? Who really knows and can predict anyways.

It may be time to think about a more sustainable business. I was kind of hoping to fund my business ideas through contracting with Uber for a bit. Unfortunately, this is looking substantially less attractive right now. I was even looking at financing a vehicle through one of Uber’s programs but I just think that is too much of a risk to take at this point. I have to re-crunch some numbers but Uber’s rates have really gone down.

My mind needs a chance to wake up in the morning so I generally like to blog as a means of getting things started. The past couple of days, I haven’t been as good about doing it first thing. I am trying not to worry about the future and figure a few things out. Last night, I signed up for a SCORE webinar. The neat thing about SCORE is that it offers free business mentorship and classes from experienced business executives. I think I will see if I can get some one-on-one mentorship as I am having trouble writing a business plan.

Business plans are key and I’ve never successfully written one before. This quite possibly helped me down the road to failure of my previous three attempts. I don’t know why I am having trouble grasping the concept. I mean I think it is because I am unclear in my own mind? Well, maybe now I have some idea of the questions to ask or I need to make a list of questions to ask the mentor that I will be assigned.

I made kind of a cascade of failures in the past. I’m not blaming myself for them, rather I think it might not have been mature enough to start a venture. I am disabled and on the autistic spectrum but I know for a fact that I have the intelligence to do this and it isn’t rocket science. I want to take stock of why I was unsuccessful in the past. I think I will look at the reasons. Here are some that I can think of off of the top of my head.

1. Mixing business and personal funds.
2. No business plan.
3. Not understanding basic accounting like utilizing spreadsheets to see where my money was going.
4. Not knowing how to use the myriad of business resources available to me.
5. Spending money on unnecessary things.
6. Not taking the time out weekly to make certain that I am organized.

These are 6 of the things that immediately come to mind when I think of the mistakes I have made. I have already begun to tackle what I can. The business plan aspect stymies me though and I do not really know why. It could be that I don’t really know what it is that I would really like to do? I mean I can try a bunch of things under my LLC and see what sticks but that doesn’t seem very organized.

Maybe instead of thinking about what I would like to do, it might help considering what I really do not want to do. I don’t want to be an Information Technology Consultant or an IT Managed Services provider. I believe that I would really like to teach the future generation of technology professionals. I believe I can offer a better experience than the traditional classroom one offered by Delaware Technical Community College. I think teaching might be kind of fun because it would lead to learning through labs and experimentation.

I’m trying to stay positive but struggling. I did feel very good about my new therapist, Adrianna. She works with Jewish Family Services of Delaware. It took me a while to reach out to them because I’m secularly Jewish. The last thing that I want or need is to be converted to a faith. I derive my spirituality through Zen meditation. It’s perhaps the philosophy and the act of sitting in silence that has been the most beneficial to me from a mental health standpoint.

I find myself going between despair and hope depending on the day. I need to share this blog with Adrianna because I think it might help her help me. It might provide some real insight for her. But it might be confusing too because these things tend to be a stream of consciousness.

I did manage to grab Small Business For Dummies (Tyler 2024) from the library to re-read. When the next edition comes out, I’ll buy it so I can have a good desk reference. I don’t know why I am so nervous and scared about getting this business off of the ground. It could be that as I age I’m becoming more risk averse. It could also be that I failed at business three times before

Do I have realistic expectations? I believe that I do for Uber but I want to do a whole lot more. Uber is really going to be bootstrapping my other ideas. Maybe I need a brainstorming session simply to come up with ideas. I have to get over this feeling that I am a failure.

I want to spend more time at the library because I am usually very productive there. I do my best thinking at the library.

I no longer see AI has something to be loathed and feared. I’m starting to seeing a real value proposition in the tool. The technology has the potential to democratize entrepreneurship. It makes things like web development more accessible to people with limited startup funds. It helps the budding entrepreneur to get their businesses off the ground.

But let us not overhype the technology because it is no panacea for all of the problems startups face. Much like a wrench or a screwdriver, it is a tool and an imperfect one at that. Use AI to help you learn and to help fill some knowledge gaps. AI is also not an excuse to turn critical thinking off. It’s been my experience that the better small businesses owners continue to think critically, i.e they need to be able to discern when AI is just plain incorrect.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I used AI to design a logo for my business. I’m currently using it to build WordPress and WooCommerce themes since I’m not a software engineer and I don’t have $5,000 dollars to drop to make this happen.

I won’t use AI to design legal contracts, or for that matter anything to do with legal matters at all. This is best left to a human attorney. Similarly, medicine is left to professional humans as well.