Black Cat Blog

Today I have my second appointment with a service provider through Delaware Department of Vocational Rehabilitation. I really like Heartlight Foundation because they really care and are super dynamic. I feel unworthy of their help actually. I couldn’t even manage to write a resume worthy of anything. Well, at least I have a topic worthy of discussion with Wendy so maybe I will get somewhere. At any rate, I am hoping to do some volunteer work for Heartlight just to help them because I believe in their mission; solid as it is.

I have my therapy appointment this afternoon and it cannot come soon enough. I really have a lot to discuss. It’s time to talk about all the unresolved baggage I have from teenage years through adulthood. I don’t want to discuss it but I know that in order to move forward, I must begin to bring closure to it. I feel like a really broken man. It’s not a good feeling either. I feel like one of those old time kitty clocks just winding down and waiting to die. It’s a sad state.

By all rights I feel that rationally I should be happy. I mean I got into my top choice MSW program and I am on track for a major positive life change, yet that feeling has worn off. Maybe it has worn off because I’ve already had two practicum interviews that there’s no sugar coating how poorly I did. I reasonably thought that interviewing is my skill.

I have new worries now. It appears that early cognitive decline may run in my family. My dad is 78 years old and has dementia. My mom is 78 and struggles with critical thinking but she’s aware of it and working with a neurologist. Hopefully, as I age these things will be better understood through science. This will only happen if we defeat Christian Nationalism in the US.

I know I am rambling but it’s easier for me to ramble because it quiets my thoughts. I’m also concerned about RFK Jr’s push for “wellness farms” as an answer to alcohol and drug addiction, a “cure“ for ADHD and autism, and for getting off of antidepressants. His premise is that organic foods is the cure all. This premise has been founded on thoroughly disproven theories. When it has been tried in the past, it’s lead to rather profound human rights abuses. For the time being, he’s only made mention that this would be voluntary. But we all now how fascism shapes out so this would quickly become forced. We need some level of fight.

I was feeling so depressed today that I took a walk to try and clear my head. The walk really didn’t help. I sat down on a rocking chair on the porch at around 10:30 this morning and still feeling very low when one of the neighborhood cats named Reggie approached me. I saw him walk up the stairs, and as he got closer, he meowed. Reggie has a very sad and mournful meow which just caused me to start sobbing. He jumped into my lap and began pressing his face against mine. Normally, the antidepressants that I take cause me not to be able to cry so I have to be very upset.

The relief was quite palpable however and Reggie stayed with me until I started to calm down and then he jumped down and made his way onward. That cat gave a gift I had really needed, the relief of the depression that was really plaguing me. I took a few moments to gather myself and went back up the stairs to my apartment. The post-sadness relief left me so exhausted that I laid down for a two hour nap. Let’s just say that I don’t feel joy but I am at least at baseline right now.

I can handle feeling at baseline. It’s a lot better than the alternative. All of the uncertainty in the world and the uncertainty in my life finally boiled over I guess. Reggie communicated more empathy and understanding than a human being ever could in that moment. Felines work in amazing ways; truly they do. I needed Reggie’s meow as a relief valve for the emotional pain I was feeling.

A new week is starting for me and I am sitting down to write a blog post in the hopes that it can get my creative brain synapses flowing. This morning my goal is to explore UpWork and Fiverr in the hopes of maybe getting some contract gigs and replacing them with my weekend security guard job. I cannot do this weekend security guard job any longer as it’s really taking a toll on my mental health and therefore is probably impacting my physical health as well. I am so glad that the weekend is over.

So the mission for this morning is to learn how to write a resume for an Applicant Tracking System and to actually write one. This way I can get started on UpWork and Fiverr. I think this is going to challenging enough because so far the Google results are just netting things that want me to pay a fee. No, I am not going to pay a fee for this service. There has to be some free resources out there. It may take a while but I am determined to find something.

My mind feels like it is going in 360 different directions and my thoughts, while not exactly racing, are moving fairly quickly so this blog entry is really designed to slow things down simply so I can be productive. Plus, I need to get this done so that I am ready for an appointment tomorrow. I am a little bit under the gun to have something turned in. I have resume writer’s block.

I’m feeling a bit defeated this morning because I had some false hope about finding contract work yesterday. I think I am back to the drawing board but that happens when building a business. At least I had nothing invested other than time and I was doing the research while working so really nothing was lost.

Maybe I thought erroneously that the bad economy would be encouraging more businesses to actively seek 1099 temporary help? I really don’t know on that front. I just know that I hate my security guard gig with a passion. This has to be – hands down – the worst security job that I have ever had. It’s the most disorganized and run by the most incompetent leadership I have ever seen.

I have to make some plans for tomorrow so that I am not just doing idle activities. I would like to have my day count for having done something other than watching television. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I will gin up a to-do list.

For now, I just have to make it through the day somehow. It’s tough when you work a job that’s so thoroughly demoralizing. Maybe I’ll continue to do some more research into 1099 contract options. I just don’t know.

Given everything that has gone down this past week, my timeline for going into business for myself might have just accelerated. This week on my todo list is to try to get approved to become a benefits counselor for Social Security and see if I can contract with the Delaware Department of Labor Vocational Rehabilitation. That’s going to be for Monday morning.

I’m also going to see about gig work on Fiverr. I wonder if there will be opportunities for things like copyediting and proofreading. I’ll also check out UpWork. Gig work isn’t lucrative by any means but perhaps I could find a way to replace the security guard income that I am about to lose.

I guess I need to brainstorm other ideas as well. I just discovered NoGigiddy and I think when I get home this afternoon that I am going to sign up for it. Anything I can do to make some extra cash.

I have to continue to brainstorm ideas though. The more entrepreneurial I can be the better. If I can get some regular money flowing in the door that doesn’t involve the bullshit of working as a security guard, I think the happier I will ultimately be. It will be even better if I could do it on a work from home or remote basis.

It has been fairly well known between my brother and I that my father has been going downhill mentally for several years now. I only say that this is somewhat sad because we both don’t have a relationship with him any longer as he has been the source of some significant mental and emotional trauma in our lives. In some ways, we both feel that this is karma playing itself out which is why I say this is only a somewhat sad story. A social worker and a doctor have evaluated my father and it is now official that he suffering from dementia.

Even if I was able to help my father, I wouldn’t do it anyway. I know this sounds cruel but he has caused me so many problems in life, it’s time he got a healthy dose of karma. He allowed himself to get scammed despite my brother and I warning him not to and now he has no money left to be able to pay his rent. My father lives in Pennsylvania and I think it will take his landlord 90 days to evict him.

Late last night I finally came up with a business name that I think is modern and creative for what will be my therapy practice. The name is Cognentiuum and its associated domain is cogentiuum.com. It’s a neat little word play that sounds good for what I want to do. It is also not too limiting.

The next thing I would like to do is see what services I could offer right now. I’d like to see about training to become a benefits counselor or something to that effect. I’m really itching to be over and done with being a security guard. I’ve had it with the bullshit.

The sooner I could launch Cogentiuum LLC, the better. I’m even dreaming about it at this point. And I just got an idea! I’m going to sign up to be a Ticket To Work Employment Network Provider so I could do benefits counseling. This might take awhile so I’ll have to hold on to my security guard job until it comes through but it’s certainly worth exploration.

Meanwhile, here I am more than half way through my weekend and ready to head home. This is not a whole lot of fun. Being a security guard is just no fun at all. I’m sick and tired of working to make somebody else wealthier and getting scraps in return.

I woke up today feeling pretty good and I’m trying to stay positive. I work a job that I really don’t like because it is thankless and demoralizing. Each and every time I think I have left the security industry for good, somehow I manage to crawl back to it with my tail between my legs. But that much said, this is the most I’ve ever made as a security guard so that is good. Also this weekend is different because I brought a book to read to help pass the time.

Today I also want to brainstorm some questions to ask for my practicum interview on Monday, April 21st. I have an interview at MeadowWood Behavioral Health Hospital to work with the inpatient side as part of my masters of social work program. This will be a good experience and I hope they will accept me. Here are some questions I have.

• What will I be doing for you?
• Will I be running groups?
• Will I be doing any individual work?
• Will I get exposure to documentation?
• How can I best help?

It would be really nice to have the practicum shored up and squared away in time for the start of the fall semester.

It seems like August 26th is a long way off. Oh and in other news, I am going to get hearing aids! This makes me so happy because, for too long, I’ve been missing out on conversations. These hearing aids are fancy. They’re designed to work with high end smartphones and AI to filter and enhance sound. I should do quite well with them.

I’ve been doing some more thinking about my business which I am going to start once I get through my masters of social work program and pass my licensed clinical social worker exam. I’d like to be able to do more than just offer therapy. I wonder if it would be possible to provide human resources outsourcing, employee assistance programs, case management, and other social work related services. I even thought about benefits counseling.

I think I’ve finally settled on a name for the business after hemming and hawing around. I don’t really know. Maybe I should just stick to one service and do that well. But the more revenue streams I can develop the better. My thoughts at least are entrepreneurial. I know that I tend to thrive in environments where I can be a self starter.

Yesterday, I reserved a book at the library on small business so that I can learn more about starting, running, and managing one. I’m in learning mode and love learning. I hope this will provide some more insights and advice. Maybe it will help me organize my thoughts as well.

I struggle when I am an employee in a corporate culture. I have trouble interpreting the unwritten rules of the workplace and often I have received the criticism that I am just not the right cultural fit. I also have trouble at times interpreting the priority of tasks when it is not cut and dry. Corporate culture is not disability friendly and I am on the autistic spectrum. I’ve either been fired or the environment has been so bad I’ve basically been forced to resign.

I know that by being self-employed I will ultimately be more comfortable and successful. After I get my LCSW, I’m going to start out by being an independent contractor for a couple of mental health agencies while I build my business organically. That way I have money coming in the door.

I wonder how I will market myself. Hopefully I can learn some ways. I know that there are business resource groups. I could try Facebook ads I guess. There will be brainstorming here. I will also need to figure out how I can differentiate myself from others out there. Lots to think about.

Unfortunately, I think I am on borrowed time at my weekend security guard job. I work for a great security company and I have no problem with the company at all. The problem lies in the site that I have been assigned to provide security at. The site where I have been assigned has a security manager that just does not like me for whatever reason and has made it her sole purpose to make my life miserable. I don’t work for this security manager. This security manager works directly for the company that owns the site that I am contracted to work on. Let’s call this security manager Linda.

Linda once tried to write me up for not doing my job. She does not have the power to write me up. When I saw the write up form in my mailbox, I wrote refused to sign on the form. I told my manager at the company I work for and he said not to worry about it because I don’t work for Lina. Then fast forward a couple of weeks and Linda decided to make surprise inspection of my security post. It just so happens that I was using the bathroom when she showed up.

As I was walking out of the bathroom, Linda approached me, got way too close to me, and started yelling at me like I was a small child being disciplined. She accused me of abandoning my security post. I said nothing at all until she stopped. Once she stopped, I quietly said while enunciating my words, “Good morning. Please do not every speak to me like that again. I am an adult. I needed to use the bathroom and I went ahead and did that. At no time did I abandon this post. When I was trained, I was never told that I had to get anyone to relieve me prior to using the restroom. In the post orders book, there is nothing in writing stating that I had to do so.”

I am sure what I said did nothing to further endear me to her. I still don’t know how I ended up on Linda’s shit list but I am guessing I am not “black enough” for the site. I am the only white security guard there. Perhaps Linda, being African American, wants me gone. Well, the handwriting is on the wall and I need to begin looking for a new security gig. Sadly, there isn’t jack shit out there but I keep checking Indeed every day.