Black Cat Blog

I just need to do a little stream of conscience writing to get my brain warmed up and ready to go for a productive day. This morning I woke up feeling better about having dropped the practicum because I’ve got some rather profound health issues going on. I seem to have some incontinence. This should not be a thing for a 48 year old man so I now have to bring this to the attention of my primary care physician. It could be as simple as a urinary tract infection or it could be something more serious so this is something that needs to be checked out.

Today needs to be an all out productive day to get my essay done and turned in for my Social Welfare Policy I class. I feel more confident this morning than I did last night. This little journaling will get my brain moving. My writing teacher in high school used to have us do this as a means of engaging the brain and it works remarkably well. Even just looking at the paper through a fresh eye now does not look so overwhelming.

I am feeling better today about grad school than I did yesterday and that’s important. Now I am ready to tackle this paper!

I just feel like crying right now and I’m fighting back the tears. It was quite a blow having to drop out of practicum and having this health issue so early in my grad school career. I tried to get some work done today but was unsuccessful. I was just too distracted and the efforts at trying to focus simply tired me out.

I gave up for the moment and got on the bus to head home. I’m going to take a nap and see if that will help any. Sleep isn’t a cure for depression for me but maybe the physical symptoms might abate enough for me to get some work done on this paper. My therapist would advise setting a SMART goal: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. So my goal for tonight is to correct the APA formatting, fix the grammar, and spend no more than 1.5 hours total tonight. I’ll set an alarm to make sure that I do not exceed that.

I think this should leave me feeling like I’ll be in a better place. Then I can do the final touch ups tomorrow during the day and turn it in before class and be reasonably confident that I’ve turned in something of good quality. Setting that smart goal made me feel better and less adrift. Nevertheless, I am physically tired and need a nap.

I’m going to have to take this MSW program one challenge at a time and to remember to stay in the present. I can manage this. Staying in the present will help me to be successful. I will break this down to one surmountable challenge at a time.

Today I had my follow-up appointment from my hospitalization where I got some rather sobering news. There’s a good possibility that I will need to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life if the hematologist cannot come up with a causation for the blood clots. I am also getting a series of additional tests and work-ups. In light of all that has happened, I felt it prudent that I drop from 15 credits to 9 credits in my Masters in Social Work program. I need weekday mornings available to me for doctors and specialist appointments. I am trying to stay positive though. I really want to be a social worker badly. This is obviously going to be the best job in the whole world.

Now I just have to move forward and do the best I can in light of this. At least I was in the add/drop period so I could drop the practicum and the co-requisite class for a full refund and not have a W on my transcript. This is important. I wish I didn’t feel like I failed. I wish I didn’t feel like a failure and I wish I wasn’t so full of self blame right now. I never saw this coming though. I was completely blindsided. It’s now up to me to do the best job that I can for the remaining 9 credits. I simply must put forth the maximum amount of effort and I will.

I didn’t bank on a three year track to get my masters degree but such as the state of things. This means it will take longer for me to sit for the licensed clinical social worker exam to become one but, if anything, becoming poor has taught me patience. And patient I shall be. It will happen eventually. I still have relative youth on my side and I will do what it takes to get where I have to be.

I need a mental health day something fierce so today will be it. It’s 12:30am and I just got off of work 30 minutes ago. I’m lying in bed and waiting for my meds to kick in. Once they do, I hope it is to sleep I drift.

I hope that I can actually allow myself some rest. I hope that I don’t become anxious and start picking up a book and start studying. That would be ineffective and I wouldn’t retain anything. My body and mind need this day to relax.

I’m going to watch some shows with Denisse and maybe take in a nap if one becomes needed. Then the next several weeks I will be hitting it hard. I want that 4.0 so badly that I can taste it. I think after some rest I will feel recharged and prepared.

Last week was a real one two punch and I am somewhat behind the 8 ball due to my hospitalization and I am down but not out. I am physically and mentally exhausted. Tomorrow evening, I have to work a security guard shift but Monday I need a mandatory day for mental health where I do nothing at all and focus on nothing more than watching TV and total relaxation. It’s been an absolute difficult road but I am slowly making it one way or another. I have some lingering fear of failure but I am growing in confidence slowly with each paper I write and with each small writing assignment that I complete.

I am trying to get my creative juices flowing a little bit right now because I have to consider my character analysis for one of my classes. I have to do an analysis of a fictional media character and I chose Dr. A.J. Austin portrayed by Malcolm Jamal Warner from The Resident which is a really great show with some gifted acting. I am going to do a complete analysis of Dr. A.J. Austin and I feel a lot better about it now because I at least have a perspective that I am going to work from. I am going to work from the Social Construction Perspective theory which looks at shifting realities that someone experiences. I believe that realities are different and depend wholly on the environment and how the person’s experiences shape them. So I am already starting to feel better about this.

I am on campus on a Saturday to catch up on homework and studies but I am now exhausted and I think I am ready to head home soon. At least I will be ready to return this loaner laptop and then start to do some reading. Then maybe I’ll take the bus home. I don’t know just yet. I know that I need a mental health break badly. I need some down time where I am not thinking about grad school, how to solve my financial situation, or maintain my fragile mental health. I would like to immerse myself in my computer hobby or maybe pick up my amateur radio hobby again for a little bit but even that seems a little overwhelming. I think I just want to watch some TV or a movie and get my relax on.

If I know one thing I know that I am an incredibly resilient person. I don’t think I give myself enough credit for this. I’ve learned to be resilient in the face of adversity. I’ve learned to bounce back from setback. The thing is that I am sick of adversity. Why is it that the poor and working class must face adversity? Why is it that overcoming adversity is glorified here in the United States? Adversity should not ever have become normalized. Adversity is nothing more than a dog whistle for prevention of upward social mobility. Once you’re in poverty, you’re in a hole where the sides are greased and designed for you to keep slipping down every time you make some progress towards the top.

On September 2nd, I found out that I had a pulmonary embolism while headed to campus for my MSW program. I knew I was getting progressively sicker so I sought help and it was a really good thing that I did. I got the wake up call that I needed to begin taking care of my physical health. For someone that is autistic, this feels like so many balls to juggle. I just need to take things one task at a time and one day at a time. I’m trying not to feel overwhelmed.

I woke up this morning feeling so much gratitude and feeling better. I feel like I can breathe again. I feel thankful for having Denisse in my life. I feel like I want to nourish my body with wholesome foods and make good choices. I came so close to what could have been a stroke or very painful heart attack. I tempted fate and won this time. There might not be a next time.

Suddenly the crap that I’ve been eating is now very distasteful to me. The thought of eating it no longer holds any kind of appeal. I realize that I am no longer alone. For the first time in my life, I’m not living for myself. I’m living for Denisse as well. I guess my mind had not fully processed this or maybe it was my autistic mind. It might’ve been my lack of relationship experience relative to other men my age? I think that might’ve truly been the case.

Maybe before Denisse came into my life and up until today, I never really cared much whether I lived or died. I don’t have active suicidal ideation but I felt nihilistic. This morning I see life differently. I want to live and thrive. More importantly, I have a tangible reason to do so: my beautiful Latina woman that I go to bed with and wake up to every morning.

Also, I’m seeing the connection between nourishing foods, physical, and mental health. I can no longer find any rationalization that eating junk food will make me feel better. The human body, like a high performance car, needs premium fuel to function well. I think by eating more nutritiously, I will perform better.

I do not know what lies ahead. But right now I feel a deep sense of love, compassion, kindness, and a desire to do a lot of good for as many people as possible. Instead of feeling anger at the society I live in, I’m looking at how I can effect change and advocate. I’m looking at how micro and macro social work can be combined. I don’t even feel angry at the leadership of my country. Instead, I feel like a man of action. What can we do to improve and reduce the harm caused?

I cannot believe how fast August (and really the summer) went. September is here and the next few months are going to be rather busy. I wish I could shake this gut feeling that I have that things are going to go very sideways. Throughout my life I have learned to trust my gut instinct and my gut is giving me a “Danger Will Robinson” alert. I don’t really know why and it is alarming. I am trying to ignore it because the anxiety is most likely needless at this point.

I’ve started using Delta 9 THC blend twice a week because it is helping me in ways that my antidepressants and Buspirone alone are not. Now I am in panic mode about my internship’s possibility of requiring a drug screen. If they do, I am going to be royally screwed. Well, there is really no sense now in panicking. I will just be honest and take it as it comes; being an adult about it. Honesty and forthrightness is always the best course of action.

I know that I am going to need to carefully manage my time going forward. The semester feels really short and I have a lot of work to do. So much so that every day is precious and time cannot be wasted. I want that 4.0 GPA and I am going to shoot for the moon. I know that I need a 3.0 GPA in order to maintain my scholarship, but that won’t do for my goals. I want that 4.0 so badly I can see it. I can see my name on that Dean’s List.

I also think for my mental health it is important that I take time for my hobbies. I see the importance of that now so I am going to build in time for those hobbies in to my week. Even if it is just 2-4 hours maximum, it will do wonders. I am happy that I’ve had this long weekend to relax a bit and get some extra sleep to recoup a bit. I am also happy that I have some time off of work until Sept. 13th and 14th.

The one thing I can say is that I am happy I chose the University of Delaware to pursue my Masters in Social Work. The professors in the program are really understanding and compassionate people. I just get a good vibe all around from the university. I am happy to call myself a Blue Hen. 😁

I have completed the first week of the semester at the University of Delaware and I am feeling less anxiety but still overwhelmed with the amount of reading and work that I have to do. I got part of the assignment done for the Racism and Diversity class which was to watch the documentary on Hurricane Katrina and listen to the podcast on environmental justice. Now for the readings and taking notes on the main ideas from the readings. I just want to do a little blogging to get my brain engaged first because this was something that worked well for me in the past.

I have almost all of my textbooks at this point. I had to order one of them. Oooh, I just remembered that I have to do some sort of online class for my financial aid. I’ll do that this afternoon. I also want to allow myself to take a nap at some point to recharge. So what I am feeling right now? I am feeling gratitude for this opportunity. I am feeling hope with a mixture of anxiety about the research papers. But I know if I manage my time wisely, I should be able to get these done, turned in, and be a success. I am also trying not to look beyond what I have to do right now to succeed. I want to be present for today and today only.

So this morning I am going to read and chapters 1 and 6 for my class on Social Work Practice and get the main ideas summarized so I can be prepared for discussion on Tuesday night. Then a nap and reading and notes for the Racism, Diversity, and Equity class. All in all a good plan of attack for the day. Tomorrow, I will do the readings for the Thursday class.

Today marks the beginning of my journey towards becoming a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. I’m a mixture of anxiety and excitement. Classes run from 5:00-9:15 tonight. It’s going to be a lot to take in. I have to go to campus early today to hit the bookstore and get the required reading. Tomorrow will be a rather intense study day.

I hope my retention will be good and that I will be productive. I am hopeful that I will meet with success. I have to put the computer hobby aside now for the semester. The only thing I will do is just run the weekly update checks but I won’t do any experimentation or any changes. My focus needs to be 110% on school work and dedication towards my future goals.

I may be less present on Mastodon as well and I apologize in advance for that. I’ve been given the opportunity of a lifetime to go back to school for this Masters of Social Work and I intend to make the most out of it. Failure is not an option. Success will happen as I have too much riding on this. Some strangers went to bat for me to make this happen and I will neither let them nor myself down.

I’ve just realized we made it past our first anniversary together. It’s been quite the ride but I’d do it again knowing what I know now. My heart was heavy with sadness when you wrote, “I am sorry I exist.” For certain I am not! How can I possibly accept an apology lightyears away from being owed?

When I came home from work, I regret not grabbing a soda, sitting down, and listening for something that was troubling her Instead, I took a nap. The Delta 9 the two of us enjoyed after I woke up, lead to wonderful bonding and I learn more about her. It was nice to be reminded of just how much she means to me.

I’m so grateful for you!