Throughout my life I have always defined myself by what I did for a living. I think I mostly did this because that’s what society does. We judge people based on what they do to earn money. I am struggling to unlearn defining myself by what I do for a living. It does not matter that I work as a security guard and not in information technology. All that matters is that I show up on time do my job reasonably well and get compensated for it. I will define myself by my passions, my interests, and my personality not by what I do for a living.

I guess my self-esteem is always been that low that I’ve always had to define myself based on what I do and when I have not been working in information technology I felt like a failure. I have to get over this feeling because the likelihood of me getting back into a technology based career is not real high at 50 years old. But simply because I don’t work in information technology does not mean that I cannot continue to enjoy it. Arguably I like it more now that I don’t have to do it for a living. I don’t really know because it just seems like I’m not happy no matter what I do. I hate my professional life when it is in information technology. I hate my professional life when I’m not working professionally.

So if I am working on defining myself I am a motorcyclist, a traveler, and experimenter. I am someone with deep-seated passions. I just wish I did not have significant mental and developmental challenges. I wish I were more normal functioning. Autism is kind of a mixed blessing. On one hand I am grateful for the additional intelligence that I have but it seems like that was traded for struggling with what should be common sense for most people.