I kept anticipating my alarm last night so I awoke a couple of times. I did wake up once to legitimately use the bathroom. But the other times I was just waiting to wake up to get ready to go to work. At least I’m only going to work for a short 4 hour shift and then I have 53 hours off. I might even take the armed security class but I just don’t know anymore. I don’t feel like advancing my security career anymore. I want to end it permanently. But how many times have I told myself this!? More than I have fingers and toes.
I’m on the bus headed to work and I hate this driver because he is some patsy for the transit company. He’s not running the heat in the bus and it is freezing cold. He’s just a jerk of a human being. I’m guessing he doesn’t want to run the heat so he gets better gas mileage and a better bonus for using less fuel. Be damned about the comfort of the passengers.
My mental health is poor. I’m angry and depressed all rolled up into one ball of human misery. I cannot even see the good I have in my life right now. I cannot even see what potential opportunities exist because I’m in survival mode. Survival mode is very unpleasant and unhealthy. But I don’t know what to do at the moment. I am a loser and I am paying for the poor decisions that I have made in my past.
The next move for me is probably going to be renting a car from Avis to use on the Uber platform. The cost of the rental is $260 a week for a Chevy Bolt EUV. I don’t quite know what I will be able to make from the whole affair but I sure will try. I think I need to average $24-$26 dollars per hour to make it worthwhile. Of course any more is gravy but any less will hurt because of taxes.
I miss my mom. She is not doing well due to advanced Alzheimer’s Disease. I miss being able to run ideas by her. I miss her badly. She was my very precious rock, my gemstone and now she only recognizes me. That’s it. She recognizes me for a short while before asking me who I am.
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