One thing that is very difficult when severely depressed is motivation to do even basic things. My friend really wants to play EVE Online with me but I am having trouble getting the motivation together to rebuild this computer into a machine suitable to play EVE. I am also struggling to even get the motivation to organize even the most basic facets of my life. Depression plus Autism is the perfect storm for spinning my wheels which is unfortunately where I am at. It is even a struggle to get the motivation to write on this blog. How does one pull motivation out of thin air?
I guess one conjurs up motivation by beginning to actually do something and take an action. Today that is precisely what I am going to do. I am going to begin to get my life organized with the help of my mom. I am going to ask that we do not do too much today and break this into small tasks because when things seem overwhelming, I tend to shutdown and retreat. Small steps are good for me at this juncture and I have to work within those confines.
Tomorrow morning I will begin at MeadowWood Partial Hospitalization Program and I am looking forward to the structure, even though I know the content will not vary significantly from when I attended the program earlier in the year. I do not even have much motivation to attend this program but it is something that I know I need to do but it won’t be difficult and I will have both a nutritious breakfast and lunch provided. Sadly, this is a lot more than I can do for myself at the moment but I welcome anything to make life even slightly easier.
My goal on Saturday is to build out that PC that my friend gave me. I want to get that PC working for EVE so I can play the game with my friend. I am not really into space adventure games but this would be a good thing for me to do to give me a hobby other than tinkering with open source. Plus EVE is more a strategy game and does not require a lot of hand-eye coordination which is perfect for me. The game’s controls are not particularly complex. If I get the EVE PC built on Saturday and run through the tutorials again on Saturday or Sunday, then I will have achieved quite a bit.
I may lack motivation today but I do feel mercifully less depressed this morning than I have all week and I think it is because I am taking the right amount of medication. I may not have been taking enough of the Doxepin which is a liquid tricyclic that is both for treatment of depression and insomnia. I had some strange dreams last night but I feel mostly rested and ready. Maybe I am really looking forward to MeadowWood tomorrow and I understated my feelings toward the program. Well, at any rate, one challenge at a time and one task at a time …..