Black Cat Blog

I’m feeling utterly exhausted and just sick of people. I just need to retreat from people for a little bit and go into cyberspace. It’s not just any one person in particular but everybody in meatspace. Maybe it’s just that masking is exhausting. It’s difficult being autistic in a world that hates people like us. I mean the hatred is really self-evident as seen by RFK Jr., the current HHS Secretary. He wants to lock us away on forced labor camps – oh sorry, I meant wellness farms. So now I have to double and triple my efforts at passing as normal. These efforts leave me angry and tired at the end of the day.

Let’s add to this feeling of exhaustion, a constant state of anxiety that a life in poverty brings. Poverty is a condition I wish on virtually nobody. It’s both a mental and physical state of being; highly toxic and conducive to a short, pathetic, and disease-riddled life. I can understand why people snap under the unbearable weight of poverty. Poverty is expensive socially, medically, and economically. It seems like no matter what I do I cannot get even a little bit ahead and something smacks me back down. Poverty feels like a hole I cannot climb out of.

It’s almost as if I can hear the wealthy laughing at me and pointing the finger of blame at me. Sometimes I wonder if this is my fault. Did I really do everything like I should have? I really don’t know the answer to this. It’s no wonder I feel like the broken kitty clock with the very sad meow. I feel like I have wasted so many chances that I have been given that I do not deserve any more. I wonder if I am worthy at this point of even pursuing my MSW. Am I just going to let down society yet again?

I feel a lot of anger and resentment and I know it’s about to overwhelm me and cloud my better judgement. I feel it strongly and I feel the warning signs and symptoms right now. I won’t do anything violent and I won’t hurt anyone but I feel like I want to go scorched earth on my security guard job. I just want to call out this weekend, consequences be damned. I am hoping the writing calms me down some and puts things back in their place.

I don’t even know what else to say or even how else to communicate what I am feeling right now. I know what I am missing and I am really missing the Zen Center in Philadelphia. I loved those long silent meditation sessions. They brought me a lot of peace. The problem is that I just don’t have the money for transportation to get there right now. But man just sitting there in silence with my eyes in half-lids, concentrating on my breathing, and letting my thoughts flow through me unheeded was an experience that transcended words. After about 3 weeks of doing it, my doctor actually had to reduce the antidepressants because I was feeling just a wee bit too good.

I wish there was a Zen temple in Wilmington. I would be so happy if such a place existed. Somehow this might be a calling for me to start one? Trouble is I don’t have the formal training that the roshi had so I am not certain I could duplicate the experience or environment very well. Environment and experience is key to making the meditation effective. But I guess nothing ventured is nothing gained and I could see what traction a MeetUp might get.

This week is going to be a busy one. Tomorrow I have a Zoom meeting with a company that does business incorporation. For some odd reason they’re advocating going the route of an S Corporation over an LLC. This seems to go against traditional advice for small businesses earning less than $100,000 per year so my curiosity is piqued and they’re offering a free 25 minute no obligation consult.

Tuesday I have an early morning because my friend is going in for surgery and I have to drive him home afterwards. Then I’ll take the bus back to my house. By the time all is said and done, that will be a 3/4 day but I’ll get a free meal out of it. Finally, Wednesday afternoon will be a full one spent with my friends at The Heartlight Foundation doing some work for them. No rest for the weary but I am happy that it will be the good kind of busy.

Today needs to go as quickly as yesterday did. I want to head home and have a shower and a shave. That will feel really good. So far work is peaceful. I have a feeling the residents were probably out late last night given the beautiful weather so they’ll be sleeping it off and I’m fine with that.

Every now and then some posting on social media will lead to my brain developing an interesting idea. I just might be the equivalent of Bill Moyer’s World of Ideas. Okay enough joking, I saw on a sub-Reddit posting about a company called Jobber giving away grants of money for start-up businesses so I applied. During the application process, I actually got an idea to start a non-profit business geared towards disabled entrepreneurs assisting them with business technology.

I was thinking if I could get some donations of older PCs, monitors, and keyboards, I could help get disabled and disadvantaged business owners started for free. Maybe I could work with my state’s Division of Vocational Rehabilitation as a vendor. I could assist with the filing of the paperwork to create the LLC or just sub-contract that out to Northwest Registered Agents. Make it a whole service. I don’t know

My gears are really turning here. The only problem is that a non-profit is a lot of work. Well, I could make the suggestion to an existing non-profit and see how that goes. That’s an option as well. The existing non-profit could sub the labor out to me and mark it up accordingly. The non-profit I am thinking of already has a contract with the my state’s Vocational Rehabilitation.

It makes me feel good to have these ideas and to continue thinking like an entrepreneur. If I struck it out on my own, I’d have to see about getting my own contract with Vocational Rehabilitation and maybe a membership with the Chamber of Commerce so I could network. I don’t even know what the demand for this would be.

It would be interesting to see how this could work. I’ll have to have some discussions with some folks within my network to look at the feasibility of this. Time will tell.

I did not sleep well last night because my anxiety was really high about work. I really did not want to go in because I hate security work that much. I am really dreading what confrontations I might get into with one of the residents at the housing authority that I provide security to. I just really hope that nothing happens today and that I have a nice, smooth, and easy shift.

Yesterday, an interesting idea came up on one of Indeed’s job recommendations. Indeed recommended that I try working as a caterer and it didn’t look too bad. The job advertised a seasonal position doing weddings on Saturdays and Sundays for $250.00 a day. I just might call the company on Monday to see what this is about because I am so sick of working security.

Maybe while I am at work today I will start writing my business plan. I brought a notebook with me for just that purpose in mind. It’s time to really put pen to paper here and start to write a draft of a plan. I think I’ll feel accomplished if I do this. I know I feel good about having a rough draft of my business website up. It doesn’t suck either so that’s good.

I think when I get home today after work, I really want to see Wolf Man. It’s streaming on Peacock and should provide some nice relaxation. I just have to make it through this weekend unscathed.

Today I have resolved to make the most out of a difficult time. I got the word this morning that I was sort of fired from my security guard job. I cannot say I am surprised and I knew it was coming but it stung nevertheless. I had another job in the works and the offer was rescinded so I went to a career fair this morning that turned out to be a royal joke. The joke wasn’t funny either. So now it is incumbent upon me to try a few things to make the most out of the shit sandwich that I have been fed.

Tomorrow I am headed to the library to pick up a book that I’ve placed a hold on about search engine optimization and I am going to look for a book on bookkeeping and accounting. My thinking is that maybe I could teach myself how to be a bookkeeper and sell my services remotely to local small businesses on an inexpensive basis. I believe libraries can be a bastion of learning and opportunity. One just has to seek them out so to speak. I need to be able to learn about SEO in order to make my website perform a little bit too.

As I told my therapist, I just need to expand my thinking and go beyond my typical comfort zone. If I can teach myself to be a bookkeeper, I could be a lot more valuable than simply doing remote data entry. I have a couple of ideas to pursue and some research that is worthwhile. I just have to attack the bull by the horns. Tomorrow I will plan on going to the library when it opens at 10:00 and spend several hours drumming up a plan of attack. This isn’t going to be easy and it is going to take a fair amount of time. I just have to have some hope that it will be worthwhile.

I could try my luck with marketing locally on Facebook Marketplace and Nextdoor to see if anything pops up. I wonder what these ads cost but I think they can be expensive. I shall have to see what the prices are. It all seems so overwhelming so I’ll need an angle of attack and to take things one step at a time. Mostly I need a cheerleader and I don’t really have one so I will have to be my own.

I joined LinkedIn today and I guess my neurodivergent brain just cannot compute how it can be useful for me. All it really looks like is an altar to capitalism; awash with overused expressions and nonsense made up to sound sophisticated and intelligent but falling very short of the intended goal. Whatever jobs posted on LinkedIn have impossibly large numbers of applicants all vying for that low position. So why do people use LinkedIn then? Is it the case of people being sheep and following the flock? More than likely.

LinkedIn literally makes my head hurt in places I never knew it could. What does making all of these artificial connections in cyberspace supposed to do for oneself? So they can puff up their chest and brag about their internet fame and fake fortunes? Or is LinkedIn something that requires patience, like say, gardening where you have to tend to it and allow gradual growth with the hopes that one day a lead will develop from it?

I will try being patient and utilizing the tool even though I’m highly dubious as to its effectiveness. It feels gross and superficial unlike the connections that I have made on the fediverse which feel real, deep, and meaningful. Yeah, my neurodivergent brain definitely has a low tolerance for superficiality.

I guess my problem is that I’ve never been a good at telling people what they want to hear. Somebody has to truly mesmerize me in some fashion and practically wow me before I’ll sing their praises. I wish I could live in a simple world where I could do simple tasks, make good money, and go home. But those days never existed.

I have some good dreams and ideas but I’m having trouble bringing them to fruition. The best opportunity I have is going to take 4 years to really develop and that is getting my MSW and then racking the hours for my LCSW. This is going to be a grind of sorts. The 2 years of schooling will be great. It will be the 2 years post-grad that will be tough.

Yes, double shift Sunday has arrived and I don’t know how I am going to make it through when I lack motivation. I really could care less about the job and the people here. As they say, my give a damn is busted. Fortunately, I have some nice irons in the fire and some good opportunities on the horizon.

I think I will just do the very bare minimum necessary today. At least it’s supposed to rain all day so people will mostly remain indoors and that means less work all around.

I am looking forward to Thursday when I go to get my hearing aids. It will be so much better to be able to hear people with significantly less difficulty. That alone. I’m grateful to my Vocational Rehabilitation counselor, Becca, for all she has done for me. Becca is amazing and I have to tell her manager how much I appreciate her. Fortunately, her manager is really decent guy and not self-serving at all so he will make certain to convey the kudos.

I really need these next 90 days to go as fast as possible because I want to start my MSW program. I’m excited about the world of social work and starting to help better people’s lives. I’m chomping at the bit to get going. It will be great to be in an academic environment again and to have my brain formally engaged and challenged.

I’m also happy that the practicum won’t be a full time job. It will be immersive and a good experience but much more manageable. This means I’ve got Tuesdays and Thursdays to really dedicate to studying. I can take the bus to the University of Delaware early and hit the library for some productive study time.

For the time being though, I am hoping this opportunity comes through for part time work that gets me away from security and into something better for me. I should know more within a few days. Those who know me, know that I am an atheist and therefore not a praying man but I am saying a little prayer for The Heartlight Foundation to get its grant. I love what they do!

The Heartlight Foundation is a new non-profit that is helping people find good, meaningful jobs. I like the founders so much that I am going to do some free CIO work for them. I also think that they’re going to invite me to be a board member. It won’t pay anything but the experience will be invaluable.

This weekend is going to be a long and unpleasant weekend. I’m just bracing myself for the whole affair. Today I work for 8 hours and tomorrow I work for 16. The money will be helpful but I don’t need the exhaustion. I don’t really know what I was thinking when I agreed to my boss’ request. I need to stop being a people pleaser.

My morning got so much better; not really. Cameras went down in one of the buildings. Well, I am a short timer so I don’t really care. Everything about this job sucks and I cannot wait to get out from under it. I’m even willing to take a cut in pay.

I feel frustrated and angry this morning but this is vastly preferable to depression. It’s like I don’t know what I am doing wrong and why I cannot catch a break. Well, I guess there’s no point in further bitching and complaining. I have a mission this week and it’s getting a basic website up and going.

I used ChatGPT to generate some ideas for a website for my business that I can then implement in WordPress. I’ll make it my mission this week to have something beautiful and basic up. That way I won’t feel as angry and frustrated.

Well I guess I’d better get back to acting like I am working. I really don’t care about this job. I don’t give a flying fuck about it and I am ready for something a whole lot better.

I’m feeling a lot better physically today. I know what caused the migraine I had yesterday or at least I am fairly certain. I forgot to take my morning antidepressant. This time I remembered and took it as soon as my phone reminded me; no hemming and hawing.

This weekend is going to be a long one as I will be putting in 24 total hours of work. I’ve got 8 hours of work on Saturday and a double shift on Sunday. I don’t know why I agreed to do this but I did. I guess because I gave my notice and want to leave on good terms. I’m hoping that I will but one never knows anymore.

Today I have to make a Walmart order. I hate doing business with that company but affordability reigns supreme at the moment. At least I use Walmart+ so I get everything delivered and do not have to walk into the store anymore. That’s kind of nice. Going to the grocery store is sensory overload for me and always has been. I hate it.

I am thinking of going to the library in downtown Wilmington today just to get out of the house for a bit. I have some books to return anyways so I might as well get that done. I love libraries. They’re almost like the last bastion of free thought and information in the US. You’re free to just be in the library without the expectation of spending money.

I still didn’t sleep so well last night because I was hot and had really weird and vivid dreams. At least they weren’t nightmares. So, I’ll take that as a win. Now I’m going to nap for a bit.

I didn’t sleep well last night and I finally got out of bed at 6am with a roaring headache that just won’t go away. I don’t know if it’s stress or if my blood pressure is taking a higher trend. Even though it’s only pushing 9am, I’m writing this on my iPhone as I’m lying down. Maybe it’s just approaching the weekend and I’m feeling anxious about having to go to work?

I don’t really have much in the way of other news except I finally settled on a business name, Avvira LLC. It’s pronounced like av-vee-rah. Unfortunately, avvira.com was unavailable so I had to settle on avvira.us. Once I get a decent cash flow, I’ll make an offer on avvira.com. I probably should buy the avviratherapy.com domain for when I register a DBA and form a practice 4-5 years in the future.

I had a grand goal of writing a business plan today but that may not happen as I have brain fog at moment. I guess if I could maybe just find some good resources that would teach me how to write a business plan I would be happy. That would be productive enough.