Black Cat Blog

I know I am writing this a bit late in the day as I usually prefer to write in the morning and use writing to engage my brain and “wake it up” so to speak. But today, the writing urge hit in evening. I had a moment of insight this evening. I realized that I am actually a really intense person and that I have this tendency toward really black and white thinking and that I am a very black and white person. This might just one of the symptoms on the autism spectrum for me but it really hits home especially hard right now.

While rationally I know that few things in life fit perfectly into black or white, right or wrong, or yes or know, I know I automatically gravitate into that kind of rigid thinking. Yes, that’s exactly what it is – rigid thinking. Rigid thinking can be just one sign of autism and it can be a comforting in an uncertain world for someone with autism. Sometimes I do not understand how to see the various shades of grey in life but with each passing year I do get better at it. I accept some things do not fit neatly into a cookie cutter outline and that they are more complex than meets the eye.

Is it the complexity of life that sometimes makes me angry? Is it this complexity that I cannot reduce to a rigid simplicity that frustrates me? This is quite possibly so. I love it when I have these moments of clarity and insight. I cannot always correct the pattern of thinking but understanding it lessons the intensity. For example, I have been looking at work from home 1099 opportunities and I was getting very angry at all of these stupid skills tests which were grading my skills at the English language when all they have to do is look at the writing samples on my blog. The AI grading could simply use my blog and see that I am, at the very least, proficient at writing.

I find myself simply wishing I could catch an easy break but I know that there are no such thing as easy breaks here. It’s time for some learning opportunities to see what I can teach myself beyond what skills I currently have.

Sometimes it takes just the simple kindness of one or two people to really make a difference in the day. My Uber driver taking me to work was really friendly and it set the tone for the day. Then a Facebook friend of mine, Mike Green, offered to DoorDash me some lunch since I forgot mine. I truly appreciate that gesture.

A positive tone has been set for the day. Things are also made better by the fact that my mobile phone provider fixed the issue that I was having with cellular reception at work so I have some entertainment to pass the time. I have a few things I want to explore so I will be able to do that; some money earning opportunities.

Today I just feel like being positive. It’s a good feeling compared to where I have been the last couple of weeks. I hope that the feeling will last for a bit. I just want today to be productive.

I’m feeling angry and impatient this morning. Every little thing is bothering me right now and I want to lash out. I’m struggling to keep this in check but winning the battle so far. I think I am probably frustrated too. I want to be by myself and away from people but I cannot get away completely. I feel trapped.

I am also dreading going to my security guard gig at the housing authority. I don’t want to deal with the residents with an undeserved sense of entitlement. But it takes money to live in a hyper-capitalist society so I’ll do what I must but I don’t have to be happy about it. At least my time is probably winding down there. I hope my manager has replaced me.

I’m wondering what I’m going to do today just to relax and get by. I’m doing one of my least favorite activities which is laundry but it needs to get done. Maybe I’ll treat myself to some fast food for lunch. I am just so tired; the tired that cuts right to the bone.

I’m feeling like I am starting to lose hope and I hate the feeling. The combination of exhaustion, anger, and frustration is eating me alive. I know this intrinsically and I want to deal with it so that I am better prepared to start my masters in social work program come August. I just don’t know why every single little thing is bothering me right now. It’s like sensory overload. Maybe I’m simply having an “autistic day.” These things happen I guess. Every little sensory input feels magnified by a hundred times and that’s the best I can do to explain it; could be the reason for my wanting to lash out.

What would bring me relief right now? Writing isn’t doing it but meditation certainly would. I need a quiet space with some incense. But it has to be very quiet as I am woefully out of practice. Well I guess that’s all for now.

As the title reads, sometimes disappointments just keep happening. I was really looking forward to my appointment today with The Heartlight Foundation because I was hoping for some good news on the employment/income front but that to be put on hold. I understand because one of the people that I had to meet with got sick and that just happens. So I decided to spend the afternoon at the library and see if I could be productive but one of the books that I was hoping would come in for me to check out, wasn’t there; very frustrating.

I am finding myself having to think again about employment as the opportunity I had to work as a waiter for a catering company did not work out. But I did hear about an opportunity to work for a liquor store in Claymont, Delaware which sounds pretty good. I don’t really want to work in retail, however, I am absolutely sick of working security so this may present a good opportunity. I will probably make a trip this week to the store and put in an application.

I believe the security company that I am working for is probably going to completely let me go anyways because I have to tell my manager that I won’t be able to work the last weekend in May. I will go over my hours if I do and it will cause me to lose my Social Security Disability benefits. I cannot run that risk. So my manager will tell me not to let the door hit me on the way out. It’s not like the job was any great shakes anyway. This liquor store will probably pay around the state minimum wage of 15.00 an hour which is not too bad and the hours will coincide nicely with public transportation. Hopefully they can make use of me on weekends.

I don’t quite understand why more employers are not leaping over themselves to hire folks specifically wanting to work weekends. They seem to want more availability, and when I don’t have this availability, I get passed over. My brain cannot make sense of this. Oh wait, a security company did contact me about part time work but I am not even certain that I want to reach out to them because the wage is so low at 16.00 to 17.00 per hour unless it is a very easy site and first shift. I don’t really know at this point. Maybe I should. I feel so discouraged.

There’s one thing I have to do tonight and that is to complete my home network migration to Verizon Fios. About the only good thing to happen in the last 3 days, was a Facebook ad for Fios for 34.95 a month price lock for 3 years. That’s a 360.00 savings per year over what I am paying now so I leapt all over it. The router is supposed to arrive today and I’ll have to hook it up and configure it. Once that’s done, I will be able to completely cancel T-Mobile Internet At Home. I was paying a lot for it but it was competitive at the time.

I hope that I can find a way to afford a pre-owned MacBook Pro in time for the coming school year. I need a good laptop and I sure as hell don’t want a regular old laptop. However, I don’t know that I will necessarily have a choice in the matter. I guess I would probably have to get a Windows 11 laptop and suffer through it because I may end up doing contract work for Heartlight and Heartlight is mandated to use Windows stuff through their contracts with the State of Delaware.

I’m feeling utterly exhausted and just sick of people. I just need to retreat from people for a little bit and go into cyberspace. It’s not just any one person in particular but everybody in meatspace. Maybe it’s just that masking is exhausting. It’s difficult being autistic in a world that hates people like us. I mean the hatred is really self-evident as seen by RFK Jr., the current HHS Secretary. He wants to lock us away on forced labor camps – oh sorry, I meant wellness farms. So now I have to double and triple my efforts at passing as normal. These efforts leave me angry and tired at the end of the day.

Let’s add to this feeling of exhaustion, a constant state of anxiety that a life in poverty brings. Poverty is a condition I wish on virtually nobody. It’s both a mental and physical state of being; highly toxic and conducive to a short, pathetic, and disease-riddled life. I can understand why people snap under the unbearable weight of poverty. Poverty is expensive socially, medically, and economically. It seems like no matter what I do I cannot get even a little bit ahead and something smacks me back down. Poverty feels like a hole I cannot climb out of.

It’s almost as if I can hear the wealthy laughing at me and pointing the finger of blame at me. Sometimes I wonder if this is my fault. Did I really do everything like I should have? I really don’t know the answer to this. It’s no wonder I feel like the broken kitty clock with the very sad meow. I feel like I have wasted so many chances that I have been given that I do not deserve any more. I wonder if I am worthy at this point of even pursuing my MSW. Am I just going to let down society yet again?

I feel a lot of anger and resentment and I know it’s about to overwhelm me and cloud my better judgement. I feel it strongly and I feel the warning signs and symptoms right now. I won’t do anything violent and I won’t hurt anyone but I feel like I want to go scorched earth on my security guard job. I just want to call out this weekend, consequences be damned. I am hoping the writing calms me down some and puts things back in their place.

I don’t even know what else to say or even how else to communicate what I am feeling right now. I know what I am missing and I am really missing the Zen Center in Philadelphia. I loved those long silent meditation sessions. They brought me a lot of peace. The problem is that I just don’t have the money for transportation to get there right now. But man just sitting there in silence with my eyes in half-lids, concentrating on my breathing, and letting my thoughts flow through me unheeded was an experience that transcended words. After about 3 weeks of doing it, my doctor actually had to reduce the antidepressants because I was feeling just a wee bit too good.

I wish there was a Zen temple in Wilmington. I would be so happy if such a place existed. Somehow this might be a calling for me to start one? Trouble is I don’t have the formal training that the roshi had so I am not certain I could duplicate the experience or environment very well. Environment and experience is key to making the meditation effective. But I guess nothing ventured is nothing gained and I could see what traction a MeetUp might get.

This week is going to be a busy one. Tomorrow I have a Zoom meeting with a company that does business incorporation. For some odd reason they’re advocating going the route of an S Corporation over an LLC. This seems to go against traditional advice for small businesses earning less than $100,000 per year so my curiosity is piqued and they’re offering a free 25 minute no obligation consult.

Tuesday I have an early morning because my friend is going in for surgery and I have to drive him home afterwards. Then I’ll take the bus back to my house. By the time all is said and done, that will be a 3/4 day but I’ll get a free meal out of it. Finally, Wednesday afternoon will be a full one spent with my friends at The Heartlight Foundation doing some work for them. No rest for the weary but I am happy that it will be the good kind of busy.

Today needs to go as quickly as yesterday did. I want to head home and have a shower and a shave. That will feel really good. So far work is peaceful. I have a feeling the residents were probably out late last night given the beautiful weather so they’ll be sleeping it off and I’m fine with that.

Every now and then some posting on social media will lead to my brain developing an interesting idea. I just might be the equivalent of Bill Moyer’s World of Ideas. Okay enough joking, I saw on a sub-Reddit posting about a company called Jobber giving away grants of money for start-up businesses so I applied. During the application process, I actually got an idea to start a non-profit business geared towards disabled entrepreneurs assisting them with business technology.

I was thinking if I could get some donations of older PCs, monitors, and keyboards, I could help get disabled and disadvantaged business owners started for free. Maybe I could work with my state’s Division of Vocational Rehabilitation as a vendor. I could assist with the filing of the paperwork to create the LLC or just sub-contract that out to Northwest Registered Agents. Make it a whole service. I don’t know

My gears are really turning here. The only problem is that a non-profit is a lot of work. Well, I could make the suggestion to an existing non-profit and see how that goes. That’s an option as well. The existing non-profit could sub the labor out to me and mark it up accordingly. The non-profit I am thinking of already has a contract with the my state’s Vocational Rehabilitation.

It makes me feel good to have these ideas and to continue thinking like an entrepreneur. If I struck it out on my own, I’d have to see about getting my own contract with Vocational Rehabilitation and maybe a membership with the Chamber of Commerce so I could network. I don’t even know what the demand for this would be.

It would be interesting to see how this could work. I’ll have to have some discussions with some folks within my network to look at the feasibility of this. Time will tell.

I did not sleep well last night because my anxiety was really high about work. I really did not want to go in because I hate security work that much. I am really dreading what confrontations I might get into with one of the residents at the housing authority that I provide security to. I just really hope that nothing happens today and that I have a nice, smooth, and easy shift.

Yesterday, an interesting idea came up on one of Indeed’s job recommendations. Indeed recommended that I try working as a caterer and it didn’t look too bad. The job advertised a seasonal position doing weddings on Saturdays and Sundays for $250.00 a day. I just might call the company on Monday to see what this is about because I am so sick of working security.

Maybe while I am at work today I will start writing my business plan. I brought a notebook with me for just that purpose in mind. It’s time to really put pen to paper here and start to write a draft of a plan. I think I’ll feel accomplished if I do this. I know I feel good about having a rough draft of my business website up. It doesn’t suck either so that’s good.

I think when I get home today after work, I really want to see Wolf Man. It’s streaming on Peacock and should provide some nice relaxation. I just have to make it through this weekend unscathed.

Today I have resolved to make the most out of a difficult time. I got the word this morning that I was sort of fired from my security guard job. I cannot say I am surprised and I knew it was coming but it stung nevertheless. I had another job in the works and the offer was rescinded so I went to a career fair this morning that turned out to be a royal joke. The joke wasn’t funny either. So now it is incumbent upon me to try a few things to make the most out of the shit sandwich that I have been fed.

Tomorrow I am headed to the library to pick up a book that I’ve placed a hold on about search engine optimization and I am going to look for a book on bookkeeping and accounting. My thinking is that maybe I could teach myself how to be a bookkeeper and sell my services remotely to local small businesses on an inexpensive basis. I believe libraries can be a bastion of learning and opportunity. One just has to seek them out so to speak. I need to be able to learn about SEO in order to make my website perform a little bit too.

As I told my therapist, I just need to expand my thinking and go beyond my typical comfort zone. If I can teach myself to be a bookkeeper, I could be a lot more valuable than simply doing remote data entry. I have a couple of ideas to pursue and some research that is worthwhile. I just have to attack the bull by the horns. Tomorrow I will plan on going to the library when it opens at 10:00 and spend several hours drumming up a plan of attack. This isn’t going to be easy and it is going to take a fair amount of time. I just have to have some hope that it will be worthwhile.

I could try my luck with marketing locally on Facebook Marketplace and Nextdoor to see if anything pops up. I wonder what these ads cost but I think they can be expensive. I shall have to see what the prices are. It all seems so overwhelming so I’ll need an angle of attack and to take things one step at a time. Mostly I need a cheerleader and I don’t really have one so I will have to be my own.

I joined LinkedIn today and I guess my neurodivergent brain just cannot compute how it can be useful for me. All it really looks like is an altar to capitalism; awash with overused expressions and nonsense made up to sound sophisticated and intelligent but falling very short of the intended goal. Whatever jobs posted on LinkedIn have impossibly large numbers of applicants all vying for that low position. So why do people use LinkedIn then? Is it the case of people being sheep and following the flock? More than likely.

LinkedIn literally makes my head hurt in places I never knew it could. What does making all of these artificial connections in cyberspace supposed to do for oneself? So they can puff up their chest and brag about their internet fame and fake fortunes? Or is LinkedIn something that requires patience, like say, gardening where you have to tend to it and allow gradual growth with the hopes that one day a lead will develop from it?

I will try being patient and utilizing the tool even though I’m highly dubious as to its effectiveness. It feels gross and superficial unlike the connections that I have made on the fediverse which feel real, deep, and meaningful. Yeah, my neurodivergent brain definitely has a low tolerance for superficiality.

I guess my problem is that I’ve never been a good at telling people what they want to hear. Somebody has to truly mesmerize me in some fashion and practically wow me before I’ll sing their praises. I wish I could live in a simple world where I could do simple tasks, make good money, and go home. But those days never existed.

I have some good dreams and ideas but I’m having trouble bringing them to fruition. The best opportunity I have is going to take 4 years to really develop and that is getting my MSW and then racking the hours for my LCSW. This is going to be a grind of sorts. The 2 years of schooling will be great. It will be the 2 years post-grad that will be tough.