Despite yesterday’s Uber debacle, I feel surprisingly good. My boss offered me a reasonable shift so I can make up some of the money I lost yesterday. In business, everything will always be a learning experience. Now I know and I am no longer beating myself up. Plus, this shift will only be 6 hours so it’s very doable.

In a weird sort of way, I am okay with paying out of pocket for the first week’s rental. It relieves some pressure on me and will allow me to learn. I recovered remarkably well from yesterday. I dare say I am proud of being able to ground myself and get going again.

I have to think of some goals for today. I wish I could have my laptop but I guess some asshats complained so I can’t bring it in any longer. I feel weirdly optimistic. I don’t know if it is misplaced but I will roll with it.

I know some goals that I would like to work on today. I know that Uber is really only going to be my gateway into self-employment. It’s not something for the long term. I see myself more of offering services or doing IT career training.

While this morning was very challenging from both an autistic and mental health standpoint, I can honestly say that I came out of this one surprisingly strong. I had a meltdown because I was way overstimulated. In previous times, I think this might have lead to me shutting down completely. Instead, I relied on some coping skills and I am proud of myself for doing better.

I did not know when I was headed to pick up my Uber rental car so that I can earn money on the platform, that I would have to pay in full for my first week’s rental. After that, they deduct your fares until you hit the weekly cost. So naturally I had spent time and money on getting to the rental location which is not exactly nearby. The meltdown came on while I was at the rental location but I managed to hold it together. Of course I am exhausted now.

I don’t know how I avoided a serious mental health collapse but I did it. I thought at one point I was afraid that I’d need emergency help. But damn if I did not do what had to be done. I did it and I am safe. So if there is a silver lining to this cloud, I know that I have more fortitude than I even I could’ve guessed I had.

I was hoping to get a few administrative things done with the downtime I have but it’s just not going to happen and that is perfectly okay. For now, it will simply be incumbent on me to relax and do some mindless things.

Antidepressants, while great for getting my head above water, also kill a lot of feelings. I don’t belly laugh anymore and I don’t feel or experience joy. Instead, I feel the absence of all emotion. I realized this while sitting down at work to do a job I detest. It takes THC for me to truly be able to have a hearty laugh. It’s amazing how good the laughter is and feels.

I wish there were more effective treatments for major depressive disorder. The treatments that exist largely do not work optimally. Just newer drug formulations but little is being done to really study MDD. I wonder if that is because it’s not “sexy” or “profitable” medicine.

I wish I could be without these medicines but I cannot. I wish life could be easier but it is not. I’m just going to have to dig deep into some energy reserves.

I wanted to enjoy a simple night out with my special Denisse. It was completely and utterly ruined by a drunk man screaming obscenities about Puerto Ricans. Being Puerto Rican, Denisse became so understandably enraged and mortified. It took every fiber of my being to exercise restraint. I heard the words and knew where they came from. I knew if I had made a scene, it would’ve been worse all around. It’s a good thing that guy didn’t come near our table because then all bets would be off.

What in the hell is wrong with people!? Puerto Rico is a territory of the US. Therefore, Puerto Ricans are citizens of the US. I can’t believe in this century there are people whom still do not know this. I’m glad I’m more emotionally intelligent than I was in my more intemperate years. Had I been 10 years younger, I would’ve said, “F*ck it! YOLO! I may be going to the hospital after this but I’ll go with my head held high.”

I so badly wanted to rearrange the guy’s face. But to what end? Then Denisse will have to visit me in prison if she would even want to visit me at all. The wiser path was to let this go. Now if it were a case of assault, I’d have the guy pre-hogtied and ready for Wilmington’s finest to haul that guy away.

Now all I have to do is survive today. Every day is a struggle when you have mental health issues. The only easy day was yesterday. The aphorisms that come from the military are often really good and totally applicable to civilian life. Now to get cracking as I am already 30 minutes into my day.

This morning I’m feeling a lot of gratitude for my fiancée, Denisse. Without her in my life, I would be very much worse for the wear. I’m also feeling gratitude to my friend Jim for bringing us together. Denisse and Jim are very special people.

I’m also grateful to my friend Quanna. She’s one of the salts of the earth and I hope she and Denisse become fast friends when we all meet at Murph’s for the game. Quanna has this very awesome and unique laugh which encourages everyone to join in. I know she’s had a rough life but she chose not to let it harden her.

It’s also time to get a virtual private server spun up. I suppose 4GB of RAM, 4 vCPUs, and 200GB of storage space will be good. I believe this will be adequate for my initial business needs. I’ll use a minimal install of AlmaLinux 10.1. I would really like to do this today.

I did get the basic template laid out for my book, Boostrapping Your Own Internet: Learning About The Internet Through Linux and BSD Labs, with fonts and the like. I would also like to come up with some fun chapter names. More things on the todo list.