I definitely need a day of relaxation after yesterday’s emotional roller coaster. Yesterday took a a lot out of me and I feel spent faster than a five dollar bill at a flea market. I would, however, like to carve some time out for one of my goals which is to begin writing the IT book that I had in mind. I think I’ll have ChatGPT give me a few starter ideas. This is something fun and creative for me so fun and creative can be the antithesis to depressed and barely functioning.

I don’t truly know what mental challenges today will bring but I ask that there not be any. I need a day where I can coast right along and at least keep my worries at bay so I can enjoy the present. There! That is the key! Living in the present today. No future and no past; merely today.

Since I had that segue thought of writing an IT book for street creds into teaching, I feel pretty encouraged. This will be a fun way of showcasing the importance (and even fun) of learning and knowing how aspects of networks and systems operate, beyond the way of simply learning one vendor’s methodology. We all know how technology vendors come and go. So this morning, I shall give the creative juices a shake and a stir.

This is the third blog entry I’ve written today in an attempt to keep my sanity. I am at work and finding my anger rising. This is why it is time to write and I know it will be calming. It’s times like the present that I get why people simply snap. We reach a point where we can handle no more. Fortunately blogging is a healthy coping skill. I will feel better after writing this. I remind myself that snapping gives my power away. I want to retain my power and control. Losing control means giving my power to the system. This just won’t and cannot happen. As bad as things feel, that’s all they are: feelings.

I’ve learned to question my feelings as another form of coping skill. Let’s just say I question my negative feelings. I look at them and ask myself if I’ve got an accurate perspective. The answer is simply that I do not and scapegoating this anger will not do. Writing about it is good though. I feel more relaxed but tired.

On the flip side, my mind is coming up with some positive ideas. I’ve been thinking about ways to make money that might simply work after a fashion. I did come up with a book idea that might be fun to write: Wicked Cool IT Labs. This would be a book for the curious and the person who wants to experiment with computers, networks, and servers. Somewhere along the line it occurred to me that this could be an indirect segue into creating an IT Academy.

Being a published author could give me some street cred as a teacher, especially if my material is good, creative, and fun. I could also do some podcasting. Maybe I want to write out a list of goals for my life.

I’m done going above and beyond so I’m just going to do the bare minimum going forward. If that is quiet quitting, so be in. I’m actually taking my lunch break this time and taking it away from the desk. Whatever little work ethic I had remaining for the company I work for just got dashed. My supervisor is using his personal laptop to watch YouTube videos and shop online yet I got in trouble for using mine. Double standard much!?

It’s all I can do to keep from throwing my shit into my bag and walking straight the fuck out. I mean just taking a big old hike; peace out and nevermore. At 1:00, my shift will not even be half way over. I feel like I’m in a state of chattel slavery. I’m not even sure that I can use the expression but I don’t care. I didn’t even sign the write-up form. My boss reminded me that I need to do so. I think I’ll just ignore him. I don’t have to sign anything at all.

I did it! I made the reservation for Monday to get the car and start doing Uber. I’m actually proud of myself.

I have a lot to process right now. The first thing to process is how I get out of a job that I mentally, emotionally, and physically hate. I even hate the company I work for. The toll it is taking is very real. I have got to stop the fear of Uber. It’s very simple and only involves driving people to and from their destinations. This is my last week picking up extra shifts as a security guard. On Monday, February 9th, I will begin Uber. The time is now and I want to do this so I’ll make it happen.

I wanted, with every fiber of my being, to send that resignation email I drafted this morning to my manager. My head is still hot so I’m not doing anything. It felt slightly better simply to draft that email. I felt like I reclaimed some power and emotional maturity. I will resign once I feel comfortable with Uber and not a moment before. I’m going to behave smartly and not make a choice I could regret.

But one thing is for certain: it is time to shit or get off the potty. I’m serious about improving things for Denisse and myself. I’m serious about making a run at self-improvement. So Monday, February 9th at 10am will go down as milestone of a day. I’m going to have to act with courage. The first few days won’t be easy but I will try.

I find myself also processing whether or not it is a good idea to teach information technology. Could I make it as a podcaster of IT subjects? Could I even do both? I’ll allow myself to relax and brainstorm.

I’m about to usher in another challenging week trying to negotiate and mental and physical hellscape that is the United States. I’m now waffling between Uber and upgrading my security license. I cannot make a choice that doesn’t feel like an all-encumbering decision. Perhaps I would do simply better not to fight it and just let the phase pass. There are some things to fight and coping skills are not working now. So I may have to simply ride the unpleasantness.

I want to relax today but knowing I have to work at my security job tomorrow ruins everything. I just feel like being stupid and worthless and I feel like I’ll be okay with that for today. After all, tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday are going to be painful. I wish life would get easier but it’s not. It’s getting sadder.

The bright spark is Denisse. Without her I don’t know where I would be. This is going to be short because the day will not be easy.