Black Cat Blog

Yesterday was absolutely craptastic so I am hoping today will be better. I’m hoping that I will be a better person as well. I got upset at Denisse over an absolutely petty thing forgetting that she is still in a fragile emotional state; recovering from mental health relapse.

I’m the asshole here and I’m saying it out of pure recognition. Denisse thought I wanted her out of my life when absolutely nothing could be further from the truth. Denisse is my angel. I don’t want her gone. She’s going to have to get rid of me and then I would be really sad.

I know that as I progress in therapy, my anger levels will reduce and I will become more patient. This is going to take a lot of practice but it’s something that I have the ability to do. So I have my eyes set on today and the future. I’m trying not to let the current political and economic climate of the US dampen my spirits. I have a game plan and I am willing to fight the Trump Administration at every turn. In fact, when I finally have a business of my own, I shall have a special statement on DEI and the importance that the LGBTQ+ community has on the community at large. Because it is the truth and more than just words.

My security guard job on the weekends is really starting to irritate me. I would leave but the pay is good at $20/hr. I am a contracted security guard which means that I work for a security company that places me at a site to provide security. The site where I am assigned hasn’t really ever figured out how security works in their operations or what role they want it to do. Hence it’s more performative than anything. I hate job grey areas like this! It’s not good for my autistic mind which prefers more clarity.

I’m thinking of putting out the feelers for another job, maybe this one as a gate guard or an office building guard. I know I’ll take a cut in pay but the scope of duties will be clearer and simpler. This is perhaps something I would like at the moment. Admittedly, I’m torn because on one hand a devil you know…

I think I have to also start figuring out a budget because I’d like to save some money for a laptop for school. Ideally I’d like a MacBook Pro. That’s been on my mind as well. Well, to start with I’ve got to stop with the GrubHub shit I’m doing for myself. That’s just pissing money away. Denisse is right. I need to be managing my money better.

Here’s an idea! Practicing personal finance will help build necessary skills for running a business in the future. It’s not really a novel idea either. Just a matter of taking the time out to do it.

I have decided to begin journaling again because I have to get the anxiety and depression under some form of control and medication and therapy alone are not doing the trick. I know that writing has helped in the past so I know it is time to start up the process again. I hope I am not as bad off as I feel but the voice in my head has me believing that I am teetering on collapse and that just cannot happen. I cannot allow this to happen at all.

The one thing the voice in my head is not incorrect about is that my blood sugar is out of control again. I have to make my virtual appointment with Shannon and get back on my insulin regimen. This is important for both mental and physical health. I don’t want to die early. So I’ll get a Shannon to phone in a prescription for Lantus for me and get started on that immediately. Ozempic just wasn’t working and I ignored the everything. But I am turning the self blame off. The self blame is only making me externally angry and internally very sad.

I am beating myself up and telling myself over and over again, “How can I be a good clinician when I cannot even manage my own life!?” Well, thought re-framing has never worked for me so it is time to listen to my therapist and he came up with a good technique. His technique was to give this inner voice a name. And so I did. This inner voice is named Ray. Something simple and and anonymous. So right now I am practicing telling Ray to fuck off and go away. So this is me telling Ray to fuck off and go away.

The reality on the ground is that I did awesome. I got accepted to the MSW program at the University of Delaware. I am going to have a great pacticum experience and I am going to do a great job at whatever practicum I land. I will make a difference at whatever organization I end up at. I am going to succeed because I am smart and capable. My immediate problems are manageable. When I look at things rationally, I don’t have much to be immediately stressed about. Ray is telling me to be stressed out and I need Ray to fuck off and go away before he literally kills me.

I am also feeling really down on myself about my part time job as a security guard. Ray is telling me that I am a fuck up and deserve to be pigeon-holed in this job. Yes, I don’t like the job and it is thankless and demoralizing but it’s nothing I deserve and is only temporary. It isn’t punishment for past mistakes and it is something that I can do. I mean it is so boring that it is actually stress-inducing if that is actually a thing. I don’t really know but Ray needs to go away. I really wish I could find a security guard job that is just a desk job somewhere where I wouldn’t have as many duties.

I know this is getting long and rambling but it’s starting to feel a whole helluva lot better right now. I just need to make it through the grind until classes begin on August 26th. I’ve also got a nice long term plan that I am working on with rather defined milestones. I’m planning that all will go well and I will graduate from the University of Delaware in 2027. Immediately after graduation, I will sit for the licensing exam of the LMSW (Licensed Master Social Worker) so I can hit the ground running and gain employment in a clinical setting. From there, I plan to spend 2 years building my supervised hours to 3200 so that I can sit for the LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) exam and open my own therapy practice. This is my 5 year plan.

Now Ray is telling me that I’ll never make it. I’ll fail at business like I have before. The reason I did not succeed at business before is honestly because I did not go about things the right way. I have learned a whole lot since. Yes, I failed at three times prior but now I know truly what I did wrong and this time I believe I can make it work because I have plenty of time to do a lot of research beforehand and slowly and steadily formulate a plan.

So I am having racing thoughts this morning as a lot is happening. I am really concerned about my girlfriend, Denisse. I am worried about her future as well as mine. We have to make a trip back up into Pennsylvania to get a letter from the Department of Human Services stopping her benefits so we can get benefits started in Delaware. The unknown variable is how long it will take Delaware’s Department of Health and Social Services to get benefits started for her. I am also worried that she might end up completely homeless here in Delaware; without even a roof over her head. So my brain is going a million and a half miles per hour.

It is so needlessly difficult being poor (or for that matter, even working class) in the United States. The United States punishes people for being impoverished, disabled, and being both. It absolutely sickens me. I just hope that I can get services for Denisse before the clock runs out on her motel room because I fear I cannot afford to put her up for much longer. I need Delaware’s Department of Health and Social Services to be fast and charitable and I have some hope that they will be. But if they aren’t, I fear Denisse may end up on the streets. I am scrambling to think of ways to avoid this because she won’t last a day on living on the streets.

I am scared for her but I must not show this fear to her because I must be her rock during these difficult times. I took on this personal commitment to her and I fully intend to see it through. I am afraid of failing her. I am pulling out as many stops as I can to help her and I am going to continue to try and think of solutions but I am almost out of ideas. I would have her stay with me but I cannot risk my own housing situation. I am so angry at the country I live in. Things are just so incredibly unfair! I really wish I could do more. Why is it that people like me who have the least amount to give often give the most!?

I think I am finally ready to go back to work so I am going to sign up for Social Security’s Ticket to Work program. I want to start part time so I am going to go that route. I want to earn under the substantial gainful activity threshold so I can continue to collect my benefits. I think I would like to go back to work as a security guard part time. Hopefully I can find such a position that will allow me to do that. I really have my girlfriend Denisse to thank for my readiness.

I know I am ready for work because I am finding myself bored during the day so I know I am ready to take on a little bit more responsibility. I don’t think I am ready for full time work right now and that would be overwhelming but I do think I could take on a part time job so I am looking for a Ticket to Work provider to assist me with that route. Perhaps I could find something part time that would allow me to work from home. That would be nice too but I don’t know of such a thing.

So far I have reached out to two providers but I have not heard anything back from them. I might have to reach out to a few more and see who gets back to me first. I wonder why there isn’t much interest in working with me. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. Well, maybe I shouldn’t stipulate in my initial contact that I just want to work part time. That might be what is turning the providers away. The providers may make their money based on getting people off of disability altogether and that may make me expensive. I don’t really know.

In other news, I am looking forward to seeing Denisse today. I miss her when I am not around her and she cheers me up. I am feeling a bit down because my professional life is in shambles. I feel like I should be working in information technology professionally and that I should be earning a full time wage but I know I am not ready for that level of stress and responsibility right now. After all, my psychiatric physician’s assistant and I are still working my medications out. While I am doing better, I am not quite there yet.

Well this morning has been incredibly frustrating. I am on Social Security Disability Insurance and Social Security sent me a letter about the Ticket to Work program. It turns out that I am not eligible for the program for two years because I am in what is called EXR status which is expedited reinstatement of my benefits. Here I was looking forward to using Ticket to Work to try and find a part time job and now I guess I’ll just have to do it on my own.

Despite this frustration, I did find a few security guard jobs in my area. I have worked security before when I’ve needed money between information technology jobs and I even did it when I was last on SSDI so I think I’ll spend some time today and apply. I’ll feel less frustrated and like I’ve accomplished something. But I cannot help but feel grouchy over the whole affair. I mean you would think Social Security would want me to go back to work, right!?

I don’t really want to go back to working security but I will do it because the money is good, the stress is low, and the job is generally easy. The extra money per month will help out a great deal too. It means I’ll have more money to be able to see Denisse and spend time with her. That will be good for me and her. I just don’t know how it will all work with transportation yet. I know I have access to paratransit but I don’t know if it will run the hours that I need in which case I’ll probably need the bus. I don’t want to take the bus at night.

Why is life so needlessly hard in the United States!? The question is rhetorical because I know the answer: we don’t tax the wealthy so there is no money for social welfare systems to make life better for the poor and working class. Everything is artificially means tested to a Federal Poverty Level that is destitution, not poverty. This is the reality that I am in. Man I am so frustrated right now that I want to scream!

I have some very good news today. I will be moving back to my old apartment and out of the miserable situation which I am in. Also, my girlfriend will be moving in with me and I am excited about this. My current landlord let me out of the lease with 30 days written notice and I am grateful for that because the place I am in is filthy and really not fit for habitation. It’s very poorly maintained as well. I just now need to coordinate a time to move in with my brother who owns the apartment. My brother is also glad to have me back as a tenant.

It will be so nice to move back in to that apartment. It is bright and cheery with plenty of space. It’s also located in a really nice neighborhood for walking with easy access to public transportation. The pluses are quite a few so I am happy. The next thing I will do will be to pick up a part time job as a security guard which will pay around 18.00 per hour and will supplement my Social Security Disability nicely.

That’s about the size of the news other than I am happy and looking forward to the future for the first time in a very long time. Things don’t look bleak for a change. I won’t be lonely either because I’ll have my girlfriend, Denisse, with me and I’m looking forward to spending the holidays with her. I’m looking forward to Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. It is going to be so nice not being lonely!

This morning I feel really moved to write to write a blog entry about the kindness and generosity of my brother, and by extension, his wife. The two of them have allowed me and my girlfriend, Denisse, to move into the apartment that they have vacant and have allowed us to start paying rent effective December 1st even though we will be occupying it a little more than a month before then. My brother and his wife have done us a tremendous favor. I only hope that one day I can be there for him when he needs help.

I truly believe that when we perform acts of kindness for others, we get kindness returned back. I basically rescued Denisse from a bad situation and helped to get her through a rough time. Now the two of us will be living together and enriching each other’s lives. I am really looking forward to the future for the first time in a very long time. My brother made it possible for Denisse to get back on her feet. He made it possible for me to move out of this uncomfortable living situation that I am currently in.

Now my next task is to get a part time job once I move in to the apartment. I want to earn beneath the substantial gainful activity threshold and keep my Social Security Disability for the time being. That will provide enough money for me to live in stable poverty and afford all of my basic needs without stress.

My brain is just all over the place today. I know I haven’t blogged in a while and I think the reason is that mostly things have been going well and I haven’t had much to say but today my thoughts are racing and I have to get them out of my head; in between the election, moving, and anxiety. Here goes my stream of consciousness. Hope you enjoy the ride.

I am excited and nervous about moving in with my girlfriend. I know she is going to whip me into shape about staying organized and keeping my stuff neat and clean. I think she will be good for me. I hope I will be good for her. I hope the two of us will be able to make this work. This is a big life’s step for me because at 47 years old, I’ve never lived with a woman before. I’ve always been something of a late bloomer and I love my girlfriend for not judging me for this.

Now for the actual moving part, I just cannot seem to get my ass in gear right now. I still have some packing to do and the fucking movers are coming at noon today. I am in a tizzy and I don’t handle change (even good change) all that well. Fortunately, a lot of my stuff is packed. I just have a little bit to do. I also have to get to the bank to take out some money so that I can pay the movers. That won’t be hard.

Now for the election – I feel a deep sense of hopelessness about the country I live in. I think this is fueling some of the anxiety I am feeling. I just don’t know what Trump is going to do to fully wreck the economy and the country. So much unknown is making living in the present incredibly challenging right now. I just cannot understand how so many people in the US are racist, bigoted, xenophobic, and transphobic. It’s simply beyond my understanding. I guess in times like these we really have to lean on our family, friends, and loved ones and stick close together. It is our relationships that will carry us through.

I’m writing this today because I’m prime time in love for the first time in my life. It’s official now that I love my girlfriend Denisse. She means the world to me. I love her because she has accepted me for who I am. She is not critical of my awkwardness and my flaws. Her acceptance of me has made me so very happy. It’s a feeling that just about defies description.

I know that Denisse is suffering from depression right now and I really want to care for her. I understand depression because I suffer from major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I love her so much that I have made a commitment to be her rock while she goes through this. I’m going to keep reassuring her how much she means to me and how happy she has made me.

The one thing that has kept me going through depressive episodes is knowing that I’ve had someone care about me without condition. I must and will do the same for Denisse. She needs to know that I will be there for her without condition and I have let her know and my actions will reflect this. I keep telling her that we are on this journey together and together we will get through this.

I believe that when we love someone we love them through the best of times and the hardest of times. I will be there for Denisse 100% and nothing less will do. These difficult times shall pass!