Category: Uncategorized

Unfortunately, I am feeling a bit down today and my brain is telling me that I am a fool. I feel like I have missed too many opportunities. I am wondering if I am even worthy of new ones. At the same time I write this, the rational side of me knows I’m whining and doing little to nothing about it. Yes, I am a mess but at least it is living or so I keep telling myself.

I want to come up with some more business ideas and value propositions … Ugh! I am using the financial bros lingo now. Well, at least I am thinking of ways to become more entrepreneurial for whatever that is worth. Yesterday, I accidentally nuked the virtual server that I spent time spinning up for my business so I think I will spend the morning fixing that.

Why does it seem like life today is really a series of troubleshooting steps all around!? It seems like my life is moving from mini-crisis to mini-crisis. I wish I could just live and thrive for a change. Wishing does not make anything happen. I both want and need to be a more “take action” kind of person. That also involves learning to take a 30,000 foot look at life instead of being mired in the tiny minutiae.

Today I am in need of a relaxed day and I will take it. I just don’t want to think at all. I want to shut my brain down. Hell, even my brain does not really want to think at the moment. So be it! A day where I shutdown then.

I’m feeling in sour spirits this morning because I’m sick of the system being rigged in favor of the wealthy, the people who need it least. I feel like my life has been reduced to some AI algorithm. I don’t know if I feel sad or simply resigned. I don’t really know but I’m tired of having to settle for survival. Is it wrong to ask or want to at least thrive minimally? The question is rhetorical but you get my drift.

I made it into work on time. My supervisor was 20 minutes late but I would’ve gotten yelled at had it been me. I’m sick of the double standard. I wish I didn’t feel so sour-assed right now. I know I’m screaming into the void but I guess I feel some relief.

It’s getting harder and harder to live. I’m just growing more and more exhausted; just spent like the last dollar in my pocket.

Despite the sun shinning I am feeling very gloomy. I had a quick conversation with my brother and learned that my mom is not doing well. Her Alzheimer’s has progressed to the point where it is neither safe nor advisable for her to be alone. She needs round-the-clock care and it’s sad because she is such a good and beautiful soul. She’s done a lot of good in her life and does not deserve this kind of ending. I am angry that nothing bad happens to the Trumps, Musks, and Mike Johnsons of the world.

I am trying to accomplish a few things today but struggling because I feel so sad and down about the entire state of the world. I really want to run and hide; to become a child again. I feel like I never made the transition to adulthood very well. My feeling is not incorrect because I did not, in effect, make the transition. I am struggling to understand what is being thrown at me right now. I am overstimulated, reached the point of exhaustion, and left with grasping at straws to create some kind of life.

I hope that maybe the day will get better and happier somehow. I know I’ve a couple of stops to make on the way home. I don’t really mind though. I need to pick up some champagne for tonight for Valentines Day. I also want to see if Walgreens has some things that I need. Spending today with my beloved Denisse should be good. She’s a wonderful person; my angel sent to watch over me.

At least I got some thoughts out of my head that were swirling around. That always helps. I did get my small business virtual server set up. The operating system I should say is setup. I still need to move emails and files to it but I’ll get there.

I’m having a better day today than I’ve had all week, and ironically, it’s Friday, February 13th. I got a late start on blogging but I guess I don’t have all that much to say. I did have a nice discussion with Denisse this morning.

Last night, on a whim driven by the state of misery I was in, I explored the possibility of buying an electric car to use for Uber. I was surprised to find that it is very feasible and would be less expensive than renting a car weekly. I talked with Denisse and she seemed on board with the idea.

I just need to crunch the numbers to see if they will work out in my favor. I really don’t know what to find and how to plan this. I’ll just have to employ some of my newfound skills with a spreadsheet. I’ve discovered that some of this financial planning is not as difficult or overwhelming as it seems. This doesn’t mean I won’t use a professional financial planner one day soon but I am good for the time being.

The more I sit down to think about the system, the more I remain convinced that it is rigged to benefit the select few. But like all systems designed by human beings, there are flaws that can be exploited. The key is knowledge-seeking. How do I use their system to benefit me? This is a good question everyone working for a living should ask. I don’t necessarily mind working. I do, however, mind being exploited. This is driving me to seek out better opportunities for myself and Denisse.

The world is very confusing for autistic people. I’m on the spectrum and I battle with understanding my place in the world because I’ve never mastered the fine art of balance. My thinking is very black and white and I don’t deal well with ambiguity. I’m confused and tired. The world is a loud place.

It feels like I have to scream into the void and I still never get heard. I never made the transition into adulthood very well. I know I’m not the only one. I’m left feeling like I should not be suffering because I’m a good person. Why do utter vacuous shit birds like Donald Trump and Elon Musk not suffer?! I’m sick of the unfairness.

My mom is also really going downhill fast. The Alzheimer’s is progressing very quickly. I can feel and see her suffering badly. I don’t want her to live like this. Alzheimer’s is a cruel disease.