I feel thoroughly exhausted and defeated. I am not sure how I am going to make it through to the end of this year. Part of me wishes that I would get hit by a car or lightning to strike me so Denisse could get a payout from Social Security. I am frustrated because I am having difficulty providing for her and I’m failing in every possible way. I did not get much in the way of rest on my days off. I went to see my mom at Summit Place on Wednesday. Then yesterday I took a bus trip to Baltimore to look at a car and that trip was a bust. I mean an utter bust.

I feel like everything in life is a 10 yard fight and it does not have to be that way. Now I am back at work and all I want to do is call out. I don’t even mind the job that much but I am tired and my head is not in the game. I am just not in a good head space. As much as I hate the expression, “Snap out of it!” I am feeling like this is something I have to do to get buy.

I already know today is going to be a day where my autism symptoms will be worse. My anxiety is already elevated because my new job screwed up my pay so badly. I am missing 3 pay checks! I filled out the direct deposit form at new employee orientation and they messed up. That gave me a shit load of extra stress this morning. I just don’t want to snap. I do need to function.