Mixed Feelings

Today I have quite a few mixed feelings. To start with, I'm feeling both upset and relieved simultaneously about surrendering my car. I know that I will save a lot of money on insurance, gas, and maintenance which will be nice. But I will lose a lot of flexibility and ease of transportation. This is something I will have to process and absorb but I will be getting a bicycle.

The other day I also realized I had forgotten to disable my OKCupid account. I got several introductions from really beautiful women. It made me both sad and happy at the same time. I was happy because I felt handsome when I told myself for so long that I was ugly. But it was sad telling these women that thank you but I am currently suffering from mental illness not well controlled. I wanted to be honest because they were kind enough to reach out to me. At least they wished me the best in my recovery. I only disabled my account though and did not delete it.

I know I need to get started in a partial hospitalization program soon. I can only create so much to do in a day and I am running out of simple things to do. The activities that I really want to do I just don't have the concentration for. I want to learn web development through The Odin Project and I'd like to work on my book on open source system engineering by example but it seems like I keep getting distracted. I know that the partial hospitalization program will help tremendously. There is a program at MeadowWood Hospital that I could go to right away but I don't like it. Th one I want to go to is at the Rockford Center but I need to wait for Medicaid.

I guess the choice between MeadowWood and Rockford is yet another mixed feelings episode I am going through; another conundrum. I really need to go through Rockford though because Rockford offers more for people like me who don't necessarily want the influence of religion. Rockford offers tracks for group therapy like art, music, CBT, meditation, DBT, etc.

I am giving up so much of my freedom right now and in the future. I realize this is the right thing to do for now while I get better and heal. It doesn't mean that I necessarily like it; it's what I need to do. There are days and moments when I accept it and times when I struggle to accept it. I am struggling right now.