I don’t really understand exactly why I feel so angry at the moment. I feel like I’ve been cheated. I’ve done everything right and I still find myself hurting. I got good grades in high school, I graduated with a 3.50 GPA from college, and tried to get good long-term work. Instead, I’ve spent my entire professional life working on short term IT contracts or passed over for employment that I’ve been fully qualified for. Now I am 49 and feel washed up. To be fair, age discrimination is a real thing for people over 40. I am so sick of the worry and stress. Since Corporate America largely deems me unfit for employment, the best I can do for employment is work as a security guard. Capitalism tells me I should be grateful to have employment at all.

The finance bros will tell you to eat less avocado toast and drink less Starbucks. They live in a world very divorced from reality. I make 2.00 per hour over the minimum wage in my state. My state does not follow the federal minimum wage standard, instead setting it at 15.00 per hour. This barely puts food on the table and doesn’t pay rent in my market.

Now fucking Trump wants to start World War III and is probably plotting invasion of Greenland as we speak. It can no longer be dismissed as hyperbole. I believe the crazy fuck is honestly hell bent on Greenland and the poor and working class will suffer immensely on this foolhardy venture. I hope Europe strikes back. I hope that myself and Denisse can be refugees somewhere in Europe. As the United States becomes Gilead, frightening times are ahead.

I don’t get the point of even trying. Maybe the US needs a reboot brought on by a Europe united against us. I am actually praying for a European invasion of America to liberate it from Fascism. I want to watch Hegseth, Trump, and RFK Jr. hung by their balls in a town square somewhere. I want to watch Kristi Noem hauled in front of the UN to answer for her crimes against humanity. When these things happen, I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief if I am not already dead yet. I can only hope Europe rescues us. We’re not all bad people. The poor and working classes are the victims. We need to wipe out the billionaire class completely.

America is now pas the point of simply end stage capitalism. We are now at the end stage of the so-called “Great Democratic Experiment.” Very soon I will no longer be able to write this and I expect I may be branded as a terrorist for my own musings. I used to not care so much but I’m no longer living for myself. I’ve got a beautiful woman who cares for me deeply. I am a shit provider to her and I can barely take care of myself. I don’t know what the next step is. I guess I hustle until I die.

I’m a bit nervous this morning because I’m about to start a business and I’m scared of failure. This time I have no safety net and if this thing fails, it will end up being an immediate gut punch. I will still be working 2-3 days a week at my security job. I am going to try a few different things and see what ones work. I am thinking of going with either Avvira Enterprises or Avvira Global for the name but I am now leaning towards Avvira Global. It makes for a much shorter domain name and might look a little more avante garde. I think avviraglobal.com might look better than avviraenterprises.com. I kinda thought Avvira Enterprises looks fly-by-nightish whereas Avvira Global looks more serious.

The first venture I am going to try will be being a contractor for Uber. I have to have enough money to be able to rent a car. I think I will have enough money with the coming paycheck. I will rent the car and then try it for 2 weeks. If within 2 weeks’ time this looks like a fool’s errand, I will stop and look for a new idea. I know that I would like to try starting an Information Technology School that will teach certification classes. I may also try something like Uber Eats, GrubHub, or DoorDash. The gears are turning… I even thought about learning how to do remote bookkeeping as one potential idea.

I wonder if I could contract with the Delaware Department of Labor so that I could do the IT training. To raise money for this business activity, I could use some proceeds from participating in the gig economy to fund this. There are a couple of different avenues to pursue. I just hope that I will be able to continue to manage my depression and anxiety symptoms. I have a lot to do to keep me busy. I just have this innate fear of failure. In the past, I’ve failed at business three times. But all three times, I have several mistakes that I repeated:

• Mixed business and personal funds
• No business plan
• Untreated depression/anxiety
• Ideas solely related to IT managed services – This one in particular was not a good idea.

I also need to do some soul searching on how to organize/balance my life so all needs are taken care of. But I think before I do anything, I need to upgrade by security guard license to a red card which will allow me to be armed while on duty. Armed security licences are the gateway to more money. If I can get 2-3 days a week of guaranteed money from security, then I could potentially launch something. There’s still a lot to think about.

Unlike previous times, I am nervous and a bit frightened by this attempt. I was confident and even cocky about the three previous times and it got me nowhere. I think being more careful and taking the time to plan this out properly is the best course of action. For now, if I used one of the gig economy options to help launch and grow what I really hope to do would be the best course of action.

I also need to figure out what I am going to do for accounting and I think I am just going to use QuickBooks. However, ERPNext (Frappe) is also an option. Lots to do and lots to explore. For now, I am simply going to relax because I cannot make any moves until tomorrow and Saturday.

It’s now 2026 and I am so happy the previous year is behind me. I can focus on building a better life for Denisse and myself. My brain is currently living in the present and near future. I’m working on forming an LLC for my next venture. I’m thinking of naming it Avvira Global or Avvira Enterprises. I’m kind of torn between the two. Sadly I won’t be able to return to school because I now need a full time income. That’s life and it is okay. I’m also upgrading my security license to an armed one for extra cash.

I’m hopeful this year. Everything has started out much better. I love my sweet and beautiful Denisse. I feel young and in love despite turning 49 in March. I’m crazy in love for the first time in my life and the good feeling seems to be lasting.

I also want to see about getting Spravato treatment. Spravato is esketamine which has been shown to have profound effects for people barely hanging on with traditional antidepressants. I want to see if it helps me. My prescriber is completely on board with the plan so it makes sense.

I know there will be a few special days coming up. I’ve got Valentines Day, Denisse’s birthday, and the upcoming holiday season. Lots to look forward to. The next step is to the armed security class on Saturday, January 10th.

Once I get my license upgraded, I will either get an armed site with my current employer or make a change to a new one. Therefore, there will be no THC for a while as I cannot risk a positive drug test.