Black Cat Blog

Life is challenging when you live with mental illness, post-traumatic stress in particular. While medications keep the worst of the dreams suppressed, they’re not perfect and last night was one of the worst nights that I’ve had in years. I would fall asleep for maybe an hour to an hour and a half with awful dreams and literally wake up and yelp; fall back to sleep and rinse and repeat. This hasn’t happened in a very long time and I am a bit alarmed that my medication regimen might need changing up. I may have to contact my Psychiatric Physician’s Assistant and let him know what is going on if this keeps up beyond last night.

My mind is looking back at last night before I went to bed. I didn’t go to bed agitated or upset although my thoughts have definitely been racing around this computer networking project I want to work on. But this networking project isn’t agitating or aggravating, rather it is an exciting learning opportunity. So, I really don’t understand why I am having awful dreams of falling out with my brother and mother and having awful dreams of getting seriously injured. I also have dreams where I am being forced to repeat high school even though I’ve already graduated college and it is hell. I mean so real that is hell. I wake up in night sweats.

My quality of sleep is so bad that I am often tired again by 9 or 10 o’clock in the morning and my eyes are closing in front of my computer; forcing me to need to take a nap. I don’t know why I haven’t revealed this to my psych PA. I guess maybe I haven’t brought it up because maybe I don’t believe that there is anything anybody can do about it? Do I not trust that anybody can help on a sub-conscious level? I think the answer to both questions is yes. I’ve been so used to having to fend for myself that I have difficulty trusting the people that it is perfectly safe and okay to trust. My brain is wired to believe that trust is a dangerous thing because my trust has, time and time again, been so wantonly violated.

Despite being so tired, I have some things that I need to accomplish this morning. I need clean clothes so a trip to the laundromat is in order and I fully intend to get this done this morning and not put it off because the sooner I get it done the better. I also want to shower and shave. I am embarrassed to admit I kind of let that go. I am not as good about personal hygiene as I could be but I don’t stink. This week is going to be a busy week and I am hoping that being busy will make me a little more naturally tired and help with sleep.

I’m sitting here at Dunkin Donuts on a Friday morning and I’m feeling okay. Yesterday I sent a proposal to Indivisble to design a secure VPN for them. I even offered to do it for free because I believe strongly in what they do. I just hope they take me seriously and not consider me to be some nut job but only time will tell. If I had to guess, they will probably think I am just some crazy shit house rat. The thing is, I believe Indivisible and its sister and brother chapters could benefit from the coordination through the communication that a network would provide.

I’m having trouble selling anyone on the concept of a private network right now. Nobody has any interest at all. Not even for fun or learning. I thought the homelab crowd would eat it up and boy was I wrong. I guess that’s the problem when you have some really niche interests. Most of the folks in the Reddit sub r/homelab were like why should I do this when there is Tailscale available. Tailscale is a corporate offering. It’s kind of deflating because I thought the entire ethos of the homelab crowd was a do it yourself, anti-corporate, and anti-cloud one. Again, I misinterpreted the mission.

Maybe I should make a Reddit post in the r/HomeNetworking sub asking if anyone would be interested and see who contacts me. I’m not optimistic though because, as I mentioned before, my interest is niche. People might express interest in passing politeness but never do anything. That’s even more frustrating. I guess I could prove it out myself through a simulation.

Well, in other news, I have an upcoming job interview next week with a social services agency which I am excited about because it’s an opportunity to exit from the contract security industry. That would be most welcome as I’ve had it with being a fucking security guard. Being a guard is miserable and even some retail jobs are better. The only advantage to security is that it pays a little better than retail on average.

I might need to get up and leave Dunkin soon because it is starting to get crowded and noisy. I wish people would use quiet inside voices but they don’t. I’m tired and really want more out of life but it’s going to take time before that happens.

So yesterday I had the kind of day which I simply refer to as an “autistic day.” This is a day when my symptoms are worse than usual. It seemed like every little sound and every piece of stimuli was amplified one hundred fold. I was trying to enjoy some iced coffee at Dunkin Donuts and every scrap of ever chair or every spoken voice was grating at my nerves. I wanted to just claw out my eyes and ears. It was a long time since I had experienced such intense over stimulation. It wasn’t a panic attack as I know the difference because I wasn’t feeling elevated heartbeat, nervous, sweaty, or shaky. I just wanted to go somewhere dark and void of stimulation.

I think some of the over stimulation might have been brought on by the stress that I am under to find better work than being a damn security guard and the beginning of graduate school. I know I am also stressing about things that I cannot control like the erosion of our civil rights and what is going on in the United States (the country of my citizenship) right now. But it does feel good to get this out on paper. I know there isn’t a medication that can treat this just yet and there probably won’t be any time soon. I need a kind of stimming toy but that would drive my girlfriend insane. Yesterday, someone sitting near me was constantly swishing his iced coffee drink and I wanted to rip it out of his hands.

At least my autistic symptoms are mostly sensory these days and do not really come out as difficulties with social skills, except in the workplace. I still have difficulties with the grey areas of the workplace. The unwritten rules are almost impossible for me to understand and the ever-changing social dynamic leaves me bewildered. I just hope that once I graduate from the University of Delaware in 2027 and obtain employment as a licensed master social worker (LMSW) that I can hand in there long enough to accrue the hours to obtain independent licensing. I believe it can be done. I just have to keep my head down and do this.

So I really want to create a network for fun and learning. I have to find a few like-minded individuals to see if they would like to participate. I was originally going to create a secure network designed to facilitate constitutionally protected activities but now is not the time to take risks like this. I don’t want to risk my future career as a therapist. So, I’m just going to do this for fun and learning.

I just reconnected with two friends from my time in Arizona. Both are also fellow IT enthusiasts and I think they might be interested in doing this. I know Dan probably will more than Prince because Dan likes stuff like Linux and BSD. Let’s see what I can drum up.

I’m basing my network design off of DN42 but with some major changes. For one, I’m going to use the following network blocks: 5.0.0.0/8, 22.0.0.0/8, and 25.0.0.0/8. I’m going to leave the peering methods open to whatever people want to use. The only stipulation is that VPN connections must use encryption. If the connection is a direct point-to-point, it can be in the clear.

Since this will be an open darknet, I’m going to have to police it to some degree. Illegal activities like sex trafficking, child pornography, drug trafficking, etc will be dealt with swiftly and harshly. It’s going to also have its own root DNS and anyone can run their own TLD on it. It’s a place for learning and experimentation. No guarantees of uptime. People can be free to run their own email servers, web servers, FTP, etc. It will be truly democratic.

I’ve already had some interest from some folks on Mastodon so today I really need to write up the white paper with the design and suggested hardware and software for participation. The reference implementation is going to use OpenBSD as the main platform because I am most familiar with its routing capabilities. I haven’t played with BIRD or FRR on Linux but I suppose I should see what it’s about. That might give me a good project for the day.

I just feel completely unmotivated today. I have to go for another training shift with the company that I work for at a different site but I just don’t want to go. I have no interest whatsoever in working at that site but I need the money and it’s one more opportunity to make some so I’ll make the best of it. Perhaps I will feel better after taking a shower and having a shave. I would rather work on my latest computer project which is so much more interesting but it does not pay the bills.

Verizon really pissed me off yesterday. Like most corporations, they are more interested in bragging about how great their half-assed offerings really are. They gave me a really buggy wireless router that really won’t do big things like route. I want to do something really simple like add an internal static route to the router because I have a small virtual network that I would like to easily access. But this router is just incapable to doing it. Each time I try to add this route, it inexplicably fails and there is nothing logged anywhere to tell me why. The damn thing is a steaming pile.

Really what I need to do is purchase another Dell OptiPlex 7060 but this time a small form factor one and throw in a dual NIC card to turn it into a professional grade router. I can install either OPNsense or OpenBSD on it and never worry about routing issues again. I might just do that! After all, it will ultimately work better with DN42 which I am in the process of starting to play with in earnest because it is such a great way to learn about more complex networking.

Speaking of complex networking, I need to find time to write up that white paper that I want to on creating a secure overlay network for the purposes of defeating government surveillance and censorship. That’s going to be a fun one and will most likely put me on an ICE or DOJ watch list somewhere but that will be alright. Freedom of speech is something very important to me. I intend to use DN42 as a learning launchpoint. So I guess I am not completely unmotivated. LOL.

Today I feel okay because at least I accomplished something small that I had been putting off. I got some things returned to Amazon. It’s such a pain to return things to Amazon when you don’t own a car; just one more reminder of my impoverished state. Well, at least that is done. Now, as “The Brain” from Pinky and The Brain says, “It’s time to take over the world!” A little humor never hurts.

Today I am going to call my employment assistance counselor and see if anything new has popped up on the radar and then I am going to call my DVR counselor to see if she has gotten an answer about grad school tuition and possibly some assistance with a laptop. I’m on the bus headed home but I’ll do this immediately when I get home. I don’t want to put this off.

Mentally at least I am at baseline. I’m neither particularly happy nor sad. I’m just sort of at a Zen-like acceptance of the way things are. I don’t have any fight today but I don’t feel apathetic either. I guess you could say my transmission is in neutral which is okay really. It’s a fine state of being for the present.

I don’t have any computer projects today because I just don’t feel like doing any at the moment and that’s okay. I really wanted to get ownCloud working but now I wouldn’t say I really care that much at the moment. I’d rather relax.

I am just a straight up asshole. I’ve become my father in my old age and I hate it. I don’t know what to do because I recognize the signs and symptoms but I don’t know what to do about it. I hate myself. I absolutely hate myself and I don’t know how I can reasonably expect to be a good therapist if I am effectively a low grade narcissist. I seem to think of myself only and I just don’t know how to be any different.

I thought I was a different person. I thought I was more learned and more aware but I am not. I’m just an autistic fuck up, an angry piece of shit. I ruined my girlfriend’s birthday because I am so damned self-centered but not intentionally so. I should be single. I should just not ruin other people’s lives.

Fuck me! It’s hot and I’m a goddamned loser and nobody should do a thing for me. I just take, take, take and don’t seem to give back. I’ve lived a lie. All I do is hurt and disappoint those that care about me. I sadden them and make nothing of myself. I just want to sit here and cry. I’m no better than any of Denisse’s other boyfriends. The only thing I don’t do is abuse her. I’m still an asshole. I don’t know how to be good at relationships. I am not good at reading emotions or anticipating needs and it’s no excuse. I don’t know how to be better. I don’t understand why I can’t be normal.

I’m just so full of self loathing right now. I’d cry but I’m not even worth the self-pity. I don’t know why I even try.

It’s the evening of Friday, July 4th and I am sitting in my office and hearing the fireworks go off. I cannot help but think of these idiots celebrating the arrival of fascism by launching a bunch of noise-making explosive devices and stupidly proclaiming their love for a country that does not give a rat fuck about them. I just wanted to sit on the porch with my two furry friends, Namba and Reggie; the neighborhood kitties. I have this nice evening ritual with them where I feed them some pepperoni sticks, they purr for bit and lie down next to my rocking chair and we just relax. It’s a time for me to feel good and for them to feel safe for a bit.

Tomorrow I am going to go to the library again for a spell just to get out of the house. I was supposed to work this weekend but my bootlicking boss texted me today and cancelled my shifts. So no money for me this weekend. Well, tomorrow I am going to make hay while the sun is shining and get my resume ready for Darren Vilman who is going to try to place me in a weekend data entry role. Well, he’s not going to try all that hard because he’s making me do all the sales work being the douche nozzle that he comes off as. But I guess these days the candidates have to do all the work. I hate recruiters! They’re just bottom-feeding critters.

I really want to hear about some news re the July 4th protests. I hope there was a good solid turnout of people! I doubt that any head way was really made but it’s still good to see people out there and active. The politicians still do what they want anyways because they don’t fear the people like they should. Government should fear the people and not vice versa. The whole situation in America is getting dire. I don’t like it in the least. I wish I had tried harder to find a protest to attend today. Instead I was simply full of apathy and anger.

I’m going to the library today just for an escape. It’s one of my favorite places because you can just be at the library. You’re not expected to spend money or make purchases. You have the freedom to simply exist without suspicion. It’s the last indoor place in America with that freedom. I had to get out of the house because the house was feeling like a prison of sorts.

It’s nice to simply leave. I don’t know yet what fun things I am going to explore but I might simply read for entertainment. I do need to be back home by about 5ish for some deliveries though so I’ll plan to be back by then. I might even see what kinds of business ideas there are. I don’t know why I am so filled with personal doubts right now. I’m doubtful about everything. That’s the low grade depression talking.

I might even wander the aisles and see what catches my eyes. That’s the cool thing about the library. It’s kind of like, okay what do you want to learn about today? What would you like to teach yourself today? So I could also figure out some learning journey to embark on. That’s an option too.

Trump’s craziness has killed the economy. I’m out of work and don’t know what to do. I’m waiting to be kicked off of Social Security Disability. It’s just a matter of when and not if. I know I need a little escape. The library will be just that.

I’m sitting here at the desk on my last day at the housing authority as a security guard and I thought I would be feeling excited, relieved, and happy. I’m surprised to discover that instead I am not. I’m feeling sad and worthless, like I couldn’t hack it as a security guard so how can I reasonably expect to hack it as a mental health therapist!? I feel washed up like I’m undeserving of any kind of second chance whatsoever. Maybe my girlfriend should just walk away and leave me.

I’m not religious in the least but maybe something in the universe is trying to tell me something; just fucking give up, just quit while you’re not ahead. I don’t know how I am going to make it when I just want to cry but I cannot do it yet. I just have to fight back the tears for 7 more hours. Once I get off I can let the damn break if that’s what I must do. I’m sick of things being so hard and I am tired of the fight that life is right now. I wish for once something would come easy.

I’m struggling badly because not even my home computer lab is lifting my spirits. I simply cannot sink into a depression with school coming up. This must not be a possibility. I have to make it through the summer somehow. I have to make it to August 26th; a step at a time and a grind at a time. If I don’t I will be letting myself down and will have no good options left career wise.

In the mean time I have to find a way to survive this. I’ll just take it one day at a time and even one hour if I must. This is how the Navy SEALs survive BUD/s. I’ll face one challenge at a time. Today’s challenge is to make it to 11PM without tears flowing. 6.5 hours remaining now.