Black Cat Blog

So far the New Graduate School Orientation has been really fruitful. I’ve gotten some really good tips and ideas for success from staff and current students alike. It has reduced some of my anxiety and nervousness and I’ve been grateful for that. I feel more ready for the program. I wish I could have met somebody else in the MSW program but that did not quite happen.

Now all I really have to do is get my textbooks ordered and get my laptop and I will be ready to go. I also will have to come back to campus this week to get my immunizations taken care of for the program. I’ll try and get this done on Thursday.

This blog entry is going to be short. More will follow tomorrow.

I have to go to work today and I definitely do not feel like going. I have absolutely no motivation and I don’t know why but I feel the weight of the world today. I am feeling a bit on the depressed side, like things are hopeless so why should I even soldier on. I think though that this is just how I am feeling today. I’m just having a rough go at it today and I know it is okay not to be okay. I wish I could dig deep into my energy reserves to bring forth the motivation but it won’t happen.

The bad news seems in the world keeps coming and I just cannot escape it at this point. The only way would be to unplug and I cannot completely unplug because my home lab gives me joy and passion. Maybe what I need to do is get off all forms of social media today, Mastodon included, and work on the aspect of computing that does give me joy which is the learning side? Sometimes learning is hard when in the throes of depressive episode though.

I am trying to look on the bright side of things because at least I will be by myself at work tonight once the building shuts down sometime between 6 and 7. Solitude does suite me very nicely. Once the building shuts down and I turn off the lobby lights, I can enjoy the darkness and relax. I know a lot of change is in the winds and I am concerned about how I will handle it. If I am to be truthful, I know that reality is setting in and I am less confident about my ability now to be a mental health therapist.

I guess that confidence will only come with education and time. I am also concerned because I seem to be tired all of the time but that could be related to medication. I wish caffeine would do more for me because it seems like I need a nap. My girlfriend says that I do not snore so I don’t have obstructive sleep apnea. I think I am just going to have to dig deep into my energy reserves and work hard hard. I have some real challenges ahead for this semester. I want that 4.0 GPA so I will need to earn it. I want to do well for my own satisfaction and future.

I just became the target of one of these entitled people. Yes, I’ve read about and heard about them on various social media platforms like YouTube and Reddit. Well, I just became on the receiving end of it and the experience is, to put it very mildly, most aggravating. I am sure my readers will probably enjoy the story somewhat. Here it goes.

I frequent some of the subreddits on technology, particularly those dedicated to home networks, home labs, home servers, etc. Somebody posted on one of those subs I frequent about VPNs (he should have posted on a sub for business technology.) He wanted to know how he could network all three of his business locations together. He started his post with the words, “Okay, I’ve got some business shiz going on.” Clearly this guy is something of a techbro; lots of cobwebs upstairs and an ample for rent sign in place of a brain. Suffice it to say I took a bit of pity on him. He mentioned he would need a VPN but totally the wrong type and wrong design.

I told him what he would need to do to join the three office locations together. Then he told me that he would need me to design it for him. I told him that this would be a lot of work uncompensated and I am not about to do this for free for a for-profit business. He then gave me that tired old trope about exposure and how this would be valuable experience for me. To which I responded rather dryly, “Son, I have twenty three plus years of experience in systems administration and network design and implementation. I neither need exposure nor experience at this juncture of my life. I will give you recommendation and a document for you to read. Experience and exposure do not provide sustenance or pay the rent.”

Alas that was not enough. I got more badgering from this nincompoop. I’m Jewish by heritage so I’ve been fully indoctrinated to the psychology of the guilt trip and thus it no longer works on me. But credits go to him for trying. He said he could offer me 100.00 via PayPal and that would be his final. In the words of the Generation Z these days: Hard Pass.

It remains to be seen if this little twerp will go back into the walls like the cockroach that he is now that the light has been shined on him or if he decides to, as they say, practice his research skills. Only time shall tell. It seems like everyone is wanting – unashamedly – something for nothing. Granted, I probably should have simply ignored the posting altogether. Lesson learned.

I’m at work today and I cannot focus on the tasks at hand. I’m just having a lot of racing thoughts but really no choice other than to ride them out. I’m thinking of the start of school and I am thinking of the VPN that I am designing. I generally have a lot going on now but it is all good opportunities for learning.

This week is going to be very busy. I only have one day off from work which is good because I need the money. They’re also second shifts so I can get stuff done during the day. I have to get fingerprinted which I will do on Wednesday. I know I also have to stop by the library to print, sign, scan, and upload a document for a background check. This summer went by so damn fast!

I did get to evaluate a software package at the recommendation of an internet bud named bob. He recommended PowerDNS as an authoritative DNS server. PowerDNS is great but I’m opting to stick with what I know which is NSD from NLNet Labs. I’ll use OpenBSD and NSD to power my DNS servers on my VPN. I’ll use PowerDNS in my homelab to learn more about it and take advantage of its dynamic update capability.

As part of my current One Big Beautiful VPN, I got a suggestion from one of the folks out on the interwebs to try out PowerDNS. I have never heard of it before and apparently it is quite powerful and has a lot of different ways to store DNS zone information. The only other three DNS servers I have worked with are Windows (ick!), BIND, and NSD/Unbound. Of the three I like NSD/Unbound the best but I am willing to learn something new.

I’m hesitant to run BIND because of its rather dubious security history. NSD and Unbound have much better security histories but are more strictly DNS and have less features like not supporting DynamicDNS which is really helpful for IPv6. So PowerDNS it will be.

I will also be learning about optimal routing, cost, and distance-vector stuff. All pretty advanced routing. But one thing at a time ultimately.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the internet and designing one VPN that I might or might not have jokingly called it the One Big Beautiful VPN to a buddy on Mastodon. Anyhow I digress, my wheels started turning and maybe what I should be doing is actually designing a completely physically separate internet and never the two shall meet. .

Yesterday, a kind elderly gentleman was good enough to give me 4 HP Compaq DC5700 machines. Yes, they’re old and well-used and only two of them work but I’m hoping to take parts from the two non-functional ones and build two fairly capable ones to serve as a router and a DNS and very small web server. I believe this will be totally doable. In between this project, I have to be there for my girlfriend because she will be recovering from oral surgery and that will be a miserable affair for her.

I will have to get her some more Delta 9 gummies for pain relief and I am wondering if they make a canabanoid oil that can be rubbed on gums to reduce pain and soreness. I guess an internet search is in order for this one. We learn something new everyday.

While my girlfriend recovers, I am also going to do some serious DNS learning because I will be running my own root DNS servers. The concept will be entirely new to me. I like learning so I will be enjoying this. I will also enjoy the challenges of building route origin authentication tables.

This is going to be a short blog today as there isn’t as much to say. The VPN I am designing is also going to have private, secure voice and video capability with FreePBX. It won’t have a gateway to the public switched telephone network though.

On Saturday, I took a fairly sizable risk and tried a Delta 9 THC gummy and wow do I feel like a switch was thrown in my brain. I feel so like my anxiety has shown marked improvement in a way that no prescription medication has done for me. Delta 9 is a formulation of THC which includes THC-A and THC-P. THC-A becomes psychoactive when exposed to body heat. That combined with THC-P which is already psychoactive makes for a really powerful high. It seemed to have a lasting effect on my anxiety because I still feel quite relaxed.

As a result, I am feeling much less angry and more patient with the world and thing. I noticed at work yesterday I felt more relaxed. There may be something to the use of THC for treatment of anxiety but I don’t want to be using this too often because I don’t want to risk losing this effect. It is such a nice effect that I do not want to potentially build up a tolerance to it. I have a feeling this is supposed to be used sparingly and not overused. If used sparingly, this could have really beneficial outcomes on mental health and I mean really beneficial.

I’m just waiting for some iced coffee and a coffee cake muffin from Dunkin and then I have some prep work to do for grad school. I have this 70 minute online course for prevention of sexual assault and rape. I think it is a good thing to require because this does happen and awareness needs to be spread. I am like super excited for classes to begin and I am ready to embark on this journey to become a licensed clinical social worker.

After watching some true crime stuff on TV, my thoughts are really being heavily weighed down by the war on drugs and sex work. Both are examples of epic failures in policy and are causing far more harm than any good. It is about time that the war on drugs ends and that sex work be legalized. Neither policies are about the promotion of public health or safety. They’re all grounded in rather backward Christian temperance beliefs which are causing much more harm than good.

At this point, the war on drugs is being perpetuated simply because it is far too profitable for too many corporations, too beneficial for law enforcement budgets, and too beneficial for politicians. In fact, the cartels themselves have a vested interest in keeping the status quo simply because they would stand to lose billions of dollars in profits per years should this policy end. The war on drugs has done nothing to reduce drug-related crime and hospitals and EMS continue to fight the narcotics epidemic on the frontlines.

As if this is not enough, the continued legal prohibition on sex work is actually endangering the lives of women. Yes, it’s not protecting women at all! Women have to work in the shadows of society in order to avoid arrest and prosecution. Therefore, they’re far more likely to fall victim to sex trafficking and horrific forms of abuse from sexual assault up to and including murder. If sex work were legal, women would actually be much safer. The pimping system would vanish virtually overnight. Women would not have to work within a shadowy underworld.

These concerns are just a small part of why I will never see America as great. Our own president is, for all intents and purposes, a known pedophile and most likely guilty of multiple counts of sexual assault as well. The fact that America still does not take the protection of women seriously is astounding. And all these incarcerations for drug use and possession. If someone wants to use drugs, who are we to tell them that they cannot. We should not be legislating what a person can or cannot do with their own body. Prohibition of alcohol failed, why are we repeating history!? Does anybody else see the irony of the MAGA contingent touting our country as being the freest in the world while also having the largest incarcerated population? I just can no longer drink this kool aide being served by the government.

I know I should try and get some sleep but I’m afraid to. I’m afraid of the night terrors. The last 4 nights they’ve been very bad. My greatest fear – really and truly – is homelessness. I fear sleeping out in the open with no protection. I know I would be a victim. Lately these are my dreams. I’m sleeping on a park bench and I get assaulted badly. Or I’m desperately trying to hide in an abandoned building. I keep being startled awake. In one dream rats started eating me alive. In another, lightning struck me. I remember begging for admittance into a shelter; pleading with the staff only to be turned away.

My other dreams were of my brother rejecting me and no longer wanting me to be a part of his life. I was pleading with him for another chance. This dream had no real basis in reality. My brother and I are closer than we’ve ever been but the night terrors are bad. I’m fighting against sleep. I’m fighting hard. I don’t know what to turn to.

My eyelids are growing heavy and I am getting tired. I think tomorrow will do the best that I can