Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • Another Day At Work

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    It’s just another Sunday at work but I am not unhappy to be hear. I am going to be earning money at a site that I mostly like. It is very easy to work and I am alone in a locked building. I do not think that I can ask for more than that as a simple pleasure. The only problem was that this weekend I had to work an odd shift, 1625-2300. My boss’ boss wanted to avoid the overtime so he had the part-timer work a little more. I got screwed out of extra money. This made me a bit upset but I don’t really matter.

    The fact that my schedule is odd made transportation tough because of the bus schedule. In order to not risk being late and lose more money, I had to arrive almost two hours early and wait in the break room. At least I had my laptop to keep me busy and I could further research a home lab networking problem. As a result, I was able to solve the problem so when I get home, I can implement the solution at some point.

    But I have to work tomorrow morning from 0700-1100 so as soon as I get home, I am going to be in dead and drifting off to sleep. I really would like to have a couple of days off. I am tired and this is getting difficult. I did the math on the VGM driving opportunity and it does not look terrible, provided getting to and from the vehicle pickup site is not too expensive. This part will be a wait and see game.

    I am just too tired to continue to work on my book today. I am also thinking about my home lab. I really want to complete it so that it is up, running, and remotely accessible. I’d like to join mine with others’ labs to have fun and experiment.

  • Exhaustion

    I have hit the point of exhaustion where not even caffeine gives me a boost anymore. When I get home from work, I am going straight to bed where I hope to fall asleep and get as close to 6 hours as possible. Denisse and I have breakfast with mom at about 7:30. I plan on rolling out of bed at 7, taking my medicine, and then getting our ride to mom’s memory care facility squared away. I am looking forward to having a good breakfast, and spending time, with her.

    At my age and physical health, it is hard working 6-7 days a week but I kind of have to at the moment. It may only be temporary though. But temporary or not, it is still difficult. I am too tired to work on my home lab hobby at the moment. I was hoping to be far enough along that I could do a few things remotely but that will not happen. Sleep this evening will be far more important.

    I have lost interest in writing a book. I thought it would be fun but it turns out it is tedious. Well, maybe the approach I am taking is tedious. I haven’t been able to find dictation software for Linux so I’ve been stuck with actual writing and I find I prefer the dictation because it lets me get comfortable and pump out ideas from a stream of consciousness. I don’t know. Maybe the scope of the book has gotten out of hand and I am trying to appeal to too large an audience. I don’t really know. I know I am too tired to work on the book right now.

    I am too tired to think.

  • Another Rough Night

    I could say that the dreams were very intense last night. I mean so intense that I had night sweats. This seems to be happening more and more frequently. I awoke drenched in the middle of night. Why am I getting worse and not better!? I was positively clammy all over. I have to go in to work earlier today to cover for the supervisor because he will be in to overtime. I don’t mind doing a 10 hour shift because I need the money. I still don’t really want to go in but times being what they are …

    On the positive side of things, I did manage to write close to 800 words of my book last night. I don’t know whether or not I am pleased with the result, but the entire point is to put words to paper and I achieved that. If I can write or research some more today, I would feel like I accomplished something. I just wish I didn’t feel so down in the dumps and worthless despite getting something accomplished. I know this is the depressed mind talking and not reality.

    Despite having a rough night dream-wise, I do seem to be rested and ready for the day. I bought a 2nd network card for my Dell OptiPlex so that I can press it into service on a Proxmox VE virtualized OPNsense router. I want to really get my home lab up 100%. The Verizon-provided CR1000A router is a shitty one. I want some more features and more exciting stuff. This is all going to help tremendously with my book.

  • Scammers

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    I have written posts on Linked In about signs that you are about to be scammed. I’ve written the same posts on Nextdoor. Well wouldn’t you know it? Today I got scammed and it hurt badly. I lost $50 via Apple Pay on a moving scam. Here is the entire story:

    I reached out to somebody on TrashNothing. This person is not the scammer. Anyhow, she was offering a king bedroom set in beautiful condition. I was planning on getting it for my fiancée. In a sweet way she complained about me taking up so much space in our queen. But I love her so much that I started looking. And sure enough this came up.

    Today one mover flaked out completely. So I tried reaching out to somebody else and they ended up taking my money. I’m not into victim blaming but this one was my fault. He wanted me to pay half up front via Apple Pay on a telephone number other than what he contacted me on. That should have been the red flag that ended it.

    Sadly, I was desperate to get this bedroom set for the absolute love of my life. Desperation and emotion clouded my better judgement and I fell hook, line, and sinker for it. Well, once bitten, twice shy. I will only deal in cash now and only when the job is completed.

    I went to ApplePay with a tone of contrition in the hopes of getting my $50 back. Once the money is sent, there’s no going back. I felt sick to my stomach when I realized that loss represents 4 hours of work. I get paid $17 an hour. 1 hour of work with tax deductions works out to be roughly $12.75 per hour.

    Scammers are parasites and predators. They seek out innocent and trusting targets and exploit them. Scammers should face consequences similar to sex offenders. They should be required to register on a database and I do not say this lightly because I am generally anti-government but this is where the government and I agree. Don’t hurt your fellow class members. Don’t exploit the vulnerable, and furthermore, never exploit children.

  • Some Interesting Things

    I am excited and a bit nervous about the new bedroom set that I am about to get today. Well, it’s new to me at any rate but it is in good condition and looks nice. I am nervous about the mess it is going to create because I won’t be able to set it up right away. Things will be cramped for a short period while I try to sell what I have now which is a queen-sized bed and two end tables. I really want the larger bed because I am a bigger guy and I am practically forcing Denisse to the bare end of the bed.

    I am super motivated today to clean stuff up. I credit Denisse and I wanting a larger bedroom set. I found a beautiful one available for free from TrashNothing. TrashNothing is one of those truly awesome sites for finding freebies and giving away stuff that you no longer want. I love it. I am going through my electronics and wholy shit do I have a lot. I have so many charging cords that it is sick. I guess I might have had the tendency to hoarde so I am nipping this in the bud right now! I don’t want to be a hoarder at all.

    But I am super motivated on my own to clean up and that’s a good thing. The spring cleaning is necessary and I am actually feeling better about doing it. I feel like my cabinets will be nicely organized and that I will ultimately benefit. This project is actually lifting my spirits. I’ve really got to stop hoarding electronics. I seem to have that tendency because I think I’ll need them one day and it turns out that I never do.

  • A Rocky Start Today

    Today got off to a rocky start. I am very angry with DART, the Delaware Transit Corporation. They’re the people that provide busing and 2 buses were cancelled. So I ended up having to Uber into work and there goes 25% of today’s earnings. I am beyond angry but this is what happens when budget cuts strike and/or bus drivers call out of work: people get adversely impacted. I do not know how I am going to get ahead. I am literally drowning.

    In other news, I have my orientation with VGM so that I can begin driving for them on the Uber platform. Hopefully it will make financial sense. I’ll have to try it and see but I have strong doubts as it seems every other thing I try turns out not to be feasible.

    I did get a head start on building out my virtualization server. At long last, I am actually doing this! I am enjoying the challenges very much.

  • Rollercoaster of a Day

    Today has both been one of problem solving and another of new problems. Talk about real life whack-a-mole. One problem solved only to have another pop up. But at least I did get approved to drive through VGM which is good news. I have the orientation tomorrow.

    I’m very tired of having two steps backward for every one forward. It’s disheartening and demoralizing. It’s making me angry, short tempered, and depressed all in one. I feel snappy despite taking a restful nap. I feel a butt load of resentment.

    Oh well! This too shall pass as they say but I’m still waiting for it to pass. I’ll feel a good deal better if VGM works out because that could be a spring board to better opportunities. It could also be one giant fiasco. I cannot really predict and I won’t try. More information to come.

    I’m also pissed because I lost out on overtime from the security job. My boss yanked a shift from me. The money would have been welcome. I’m reminded again how I must look out for myself and my family because my employer sure as shit don’t care about me. Well, my manager does care. It’s just the fuckers above him that don’t.

    I think I’m just going to scream hash tags right now.

  • A Late April Sunday Morning

    I should feel pretty good about it being spring and all but I don’t I feel very down and worthless. My nightmares last night were vivid reminders of the missed/lost opportunities of night. I feel so unbelievably sad that I cannot concentrate worth a damn. I just feel like sobbing. I missed lost love and family opportunities; just not a good person. I live in fear and self-pity.

    Now I am going to lose my mom to Alzheimer’s and I need to go visit her in memory care but I am working every goddamned day just to stay afloat. I think I am going to see her after work on Monday or Tuesday. I feel tremendous guilt for not going. I’m fighting my own demons and seeing her continue to decline is going to make me feel worse. However, I do not want to live in regret so I will visit her this week.

    I had a high school crush on girl named Alynn Capoferri. I had a dream about her that I was pining after her but could not see her. Oh well. My nightmare was like a black and white, infrared photograph with brief moments of color. I think that was the best way to describe it. The Nickelback song, Photograph, really sums it up.

    I hate being autistic and suffering from major depressive disorder. It is an absolute curse – like living in a special kind of inescapable hell. I should be happy because I found a woman that I love to pieces and would never dream of cheating on her. But the reality on the ground is that I am suffering immensely. I feel used up and I feel like I will just continue to decline. Maybe that’s for the best. Maybe the Republican’s are right and if I cannot produce, the best place for me is the ground. That’s how I feel right now.

  • Plan For Today

    I have to work from 4p-11p today and I don’t really mind because the grand plan is to begin working on my book The Beginner’s Home Lab Book: Learning Linux & BSD By Building Real Systems. I’m going to follow the suggestion of my therapist to approach this as if I am writing a letter to a prospective learner. Despite being tired, I’m excited to get started. In preparation for writing today, I set up a PC to use for this purpose.

    This morning I set up some routing so I can reach the PC remotely allowing me to write effectively. I’m actually really excited! The excitement is lessening the lack of desire to go into work today. I know time will pass quickly. My weekend worksite is at a building completely locked down so I will be able to use dictation without the appearance of being crazy.

    I slept the day away and I still feel tired. I’m getting a huge resurgence of very intense nightmares that are effecting my sleep adversely. I’m even having nightmares while napping. It used to be that I could at least sleep during the day for a bit and it would be dream free. Not so much anymore.

    Well maybe I will get some work on my book accomplished. Maybe a sense of satisfaction will lead to a night of better sleep. I feel mentally awful like it’s a 10 yard fight. But the fact that I am writing this while on the bus to work is sort of a win in of itself. I wanted to call out but that’s not in my nature.

  • The War on Drugs

    I have said time and again that the war on drugs has nothing to do with public health or safety. Perhaps it once was but it’s not now. As with most laws nowadays, you have to see who stands to benefit from the law.

    The war is a cash cow for rehabilitation hospitals and private mental health facilities so big healthcare rakes in the dollars. The war benefits private corrections companies. Even law enforcement make extra money from overtime and special assignments.

    The drug cartels themselves are perhaps the biggest beneficiaries of these laws. Cartel leadership did not become as successful as they are by not having good business acumen. I am certain they accept a relatively small amount of product loss as the cost of doing business. Keeping drugs illegal means a higher street price and they know they would loose billions should laws change.

    I have no proof of this but I believe that the cartels donate to politicians hell bent on keeping drugs illegal. They may donate through shell corporations and borderline illegal money moving enterprises.

    Furthermore I believe that by maintaining the drug war, we are actually undermining safety. Violent crime would probably drop as a result of drug legalization. Drug legalization and treatment would go a long way towards making America safer and more secure.

    In conclusion, it’s time to admit that the drug war, much like alcohol prohibition, is a failure. We’re better off legalizing drugs. I forgot to mention one added benefit: the drugs would actually be safer because they don’t need to be produced secret. They can be manufactured using cleaner processes.