Black Cat Blog

I am about to be going home from the hospital to go to Christiana Care Hospital at Home. I feel more human again after taking a shower and cleaning up. It felt good to get out of bed but I realized how bad the diabetic neuropathy in my feet has gotten. At least now I am looking at the problem more soberly and less emotionally which helps a lot. I am also looking at the problem through the lens of being autistic. One of the symptoms of my disability is having visual spatial difficulties. In essence, this means that I am not always aware of where my body is in relation to other objects in a given space and can tend to be awkward or bump into things.

I never realized until today how much I have come to depend on my feet to compensate for this visual spatial deficit. I relied heavily on the sensation in my feet, albeit subconsciously, to determine my orientation in space and navigate my environment. Much in the way a cat uses its whiskers, I depend upon my feet. Since I have lost feeling in my feet as the nerves have died due to the toxicity of high blood sugar, I’ve other problems that require physical therapy and the use of a cane now. Again this will be finding a new normal.

It will take my autistic mind awhile to develop new neural pathways and compensation strategies for the diabetic neuropathy. I think this can happen once I do find my new normal.

Unfortunately, I was sent back to the hospital today because my heart rate continued to slow down and I developed a feeling of palpitations in my chest. I also feel like I am having a harder time breathing again. I truly hope I don’t have blood clots in my lungs again but I am almost feeling exactly the same way as I was when I was admitted with a pulmonary embolism back on Tuesday, September 2nd. Maybe I feel worse now. I’m not tired but I feel completely drained of energy. I still feel like I am going to have a hard time falling back to sleep.

I used to have a nihilistic outlook on life not really caring about life or death, just sort of moving through life. Before meeting Denisse, I was living life primarily on my own terms because I had no relationship, no significant other, and was all on my own. Therefore, it never really occurred to me to care about how my life/health would impact someone else For the first time it hit viscerally (not just logically) that I am no longer living for myself and my own needs. I have a woman in my life who loves and cares for me. This means I’m living for her too. Everything has really hit home.

So now I have dropped the nihilistic attitude and since I truly care now whether I live or die, I am quite nervous and scared. I’ve grown comfortable living in a sort of Zen-like nihilism which took away a lot fear of death that has now returned and I am processing it. I don’t want to hurt those that love me and I know they would be hurt if something catastrophic happened. The true feeling of love is frightening and exhilarating at the same time. Exhilarating because I’ve never really felt this way about a woman and frightening because something might happen to me and it could cause her a lot of worry.

I know she is already very worried about having me back in the hospital. Doubtless she’s even more so because a car is out of reach of affordability for the two of us and public transportation in the Wilmington, Christiana, and Newark Delaware region. I told Denisse not to come to the hospital because it is a long trip by bus at night and I am concerned she could be stranded in Wilmington when the buses stop for the night. She would be in an area not safe to be in at night. I don’t want to be worried about her safety so I’d rather her home and safe. I promised her regular updates instead.

Now my situation in graduate school in my masters in social work program may become tenuous. This is something I’ve wanted to do for quite some time and I am hanging in by a thread. I’m facing withdrawing from a class to bring my credits down to 6. But at least it would mean a medically-annotated withdrawal so it wouldn’t look bad on a transcript. Still it means a longer schooling time but it is what it is. I just cannot handle anything more at the moment until I get things medically worked out.

Right now I am just overwhelmed by all that has transpired since the beginning of September. I feel like a ship lost at sea with no means of navigation. I know I have to shake this feeling and get back on track. I just don’t know why everything feels so impossible right now. I feel some self pity and self anger for not taking care of myself when it was so important. I feel out of second chances.

But fight I must because an angel has fallen into my lap and be damned if I am going to lose her She’s too special a person and matters too much. I’ve made many mistakes in my life but Denisse was/is not one of them. So now I will only try to look at what challenge I am facing immediately. This challenge is seeing what, if any, heart issues I may have and how I can overcome them.

I am paying the price of a lot of bad choices that I’ve made throughout my life. One of the results of which was developing Type 2 Diabetes. The nerves are slowly dying in my feet making it difficult for me to walk. Now this is starting to happen in my bladder causing incontinence and I am only 48 years old. I also seem to have issues with developing blood clots so I will be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. All of these issues happened as a result of developing a very unhealthy relationship to food. I am going to share the experience in the hope that it may help someone in time to prevent this from happening to them.

When I was a pre-teen through my teenage years and into my 30s, my father would berate me about my weight and my eating habits without helping me to develop healthy ones. He would use mental, verbal, and emotional abuse. The end result would be me sneaking unhealthy food and hiding it. I would also eat quickly so that it would be consumed before he could discover it. This was in effect serious eating disorder. My father was warned by psychiatrists and psychologists to cease this behavior because it would be destructive and ultimately cause more harm than good. But he knew better and ignored the experts.

The net result is where I am today in a hospital bed, quite sick, and facing a future fraught with uncertainty. I used unhealthy food as medicine to cope with anxiety, sadness, depression; I even ate when happy. In the end it poisoned me. The ultimate irony is I grew out of a lot of the other childhood problems that I had. I might have never developed this eating disorder if it had not been for my father. He could not leave well enough alone.

Now I am left with nothing but hatred remaining for the man. I finally had the courage to tell him a couple of weeks ago that I never want to speak to him again. I blocked his phone number and I will never speak to him again. I no longer care if that makes me an ogre. The man has dementia and is facing a court hearing where he will be most likely declared non compos mentis. And I am cheering this disposition on because I believe he roundly deserves this fate for what he has caused me.

I fear I may never be able to have intercourse again because of the nerve damage I’ve experienced. I worry that I may never sleep another night without the worry of incontinence. My girlfriend did not sign up to be my caretaker; nor do I want her to assume that role. The urological medications that can be used to potentially treat the incontinence might cause heart issues or other serious side effects. I signed up to be my girlfriend’s rock. I brought her out of a bad situation in Pennsylvania because I realized what a good person she is and I quickly fell for her because of the pure goodness she has.

If you think you have an eating disorder, please, please get help immediately. I shared my story above not to get sympathy but to tell you what you might face later in life if you don’t get help. Please do not make the mistakes that I’ve made. Now I am effectively a 48 year old in a 75 year old man’s body. I may meet with a slow progression of future problems as nerves die or become less effective. If I can leave the world with one thing, then remember that food has the potential to be a double-edged sword. It can be both a poison and healing substance. If you have an eating disorder, food has become a poison. You may still have time to make it nourishing and healing.

I will leave you with this final thought. We only have a finite number of years to live. Therefore we need to try to make these years the very best ones possible.

Normally when it comes to medical issues I remain optimistic and hopeful. Today, I am all out of optimism and hope. I’m actually quite sad and feeling defeated. At 48 years old I am dealing with serious incontinence problems. I’m also simultaneously dealing with borderline bradycardia and low blood pressure. So I am back in the hospital for doctors to try and figure things out. All I want to do is break down and cry. As if this was not enough, I got a 38/50 on my topic proposal for my research for one of my classes. I was sure I had done better. I’m coming apart at the seams.

Urinating is burning like fire right now. I’m really worried. I have so much vested in this master’s program and I can feel it slipping away gradually. I need to somehow get my concentration back and redouble my efforts. I’m a smart and capable person. Why am I unable to concentrate!? Where is my major malfunction!? This is something I want to do. Social Work is something I want to do. Grad school is something I want to do.

Maybe I just need to revisit my study strategy a bit. 15 minutes of study and 10 minutes of break. Maybe during this difficult time period, I just need to be kinder and gentler to myself. After I pass this hurdle, I’ll make it through. I will succeed here. I will simply redouble my efforts. I will recommit to success.

It’s definitely been quite a week! I bit off a lot with this Masters in Social Work program. Even with opting out of the practicum and the co-requisite class, I have my hands full. It seems like after I complete one writing assignment, 2 more pop up like the carnival game of whack-a-mole. The days are quite long and I am finding that I need to take one day off a week, which usually happens to be a Wednesday. That day I do nothing and end up sleeping most of the day away to recover. I am reminded again that I am not in my roaring 20s anymore.

But I am not really old yet either and I can handle this. I can do this. I just have to take it one day at a time and one challenge at a time. This weekend’s challenge is simply to get through two shifts of work and maybe try to do a little bit of studying while I am at it. If the studying does not happen, I am okay with that. I just cannot believe how fast the semester is going. The fifth week has already gone by. I am amazed.

I am also dealing with a somewhat worrisome issue at my age. I know I should not be dealing with incontinence but I am. I’ve gotten a message out to my doctor but have not heard anything just yet. I may have to send a follow-up message via the patient portal. I am fairly certain I do not have a UTI because I don’t have any painful urination or blood in my urine so I’ve no idea what’s going on. And damnit! I forgot (again) to schedule my colonoscopy and follow-up with the hematologist. So now to set an alarm on my phone.

I think I am adjusting to my new night medication pretty well. I had my psych P.A. pull me off of mirtazipine (Remeron) because of its metabolic side effects. I know that it can exacerbate blood sugar issues. Since stopping it I feel a bit better and the neuropathy in my feet seems to have lessened slightly. Walking is becoming easier now. I still clop like a horse though and I need a new pair of sneakers because the pair I have are getting worn. I know diabetics are supposed to replace shoes more often and I am finding out why.

Despite being as busy as I am, I have found out that with the change in the one night time medication, I don’t get the sudden onset of crying spells for no reason. I found that happening sometimes while studying at the library. I would get this sudden intense onset of heavy depression. I mean I would just want to sit there and sob. But no thoughts precipitated the episode. It was just a sudden and crushing weight. Thankfully, I do not feel that anymore.

I guess it is also noteworthy that I no longer dream anymore with this new medication. I had a completely dreamless sleep for three nights in a row. It’s simply amazing! I haven’t slept like this since I was a little boy. Literally, I have no dreams good or bad. I woke up once during the night to use the bathroom and I felt a strange sense of relief and smiled. I’m not having PTSD dreams, even mild ones.

I don’t know that there is much more to say this morning other than the coming week is going to be long and hard with lots to do. Oh before I forget. I got a 100 on my first ever masters paper! That felt really good. Yes, it was only a 2 page paper but it felt like a huge accomplishment.

I feel good this morning and ready to tackle another week as a full time master’s student. I got confirmation yesterday that I chose a good topic for exploration from my professor for Racism, Diversity, Oppression & Privilege class so that felt good. I am going to explore the following questions: When black men. women, and children go missing, why does it take society as a whole longer to find them? Why do they often not get found? It credit my girlfriend for the genesis of the idea while we were watching TV. There’s no shortage of material based on this.

On Saturday (9/13), the two of us watched the first episode of a documentary on HBO called Black and Missing which gave me all kinds of ideas. I watched it from an academic perspective versus an emotional one. I purposely watched it detached so I could see it from multiple angles and ask myself what resources I want to go to for statistics, publications, arguments, etc. I was thinking about the directions I wanted my research to go. There is already ample evidence of the problem. I just need to find concrete research of the problem and tie it to social work theory on a macro level and maybe show some historical context to show the root of the problem. It would probably behoove me to make recommendations for the solution and find credible research to back that up.

I feel much more confident that I can find material to write this paper and really write a good one too. This new found confidence is making me feel a whole lot better. I am ready to tackle what this program brings.

Last night I had a delightful belly laugh. I haven’t had one of those in a very long time and words cannot describe the feeling at all. Denisse heard about the South Park episode called Got A Nut and she really wanted to see it. She never saw the series and she wanted to see it because of all the rumor and controversy surrounding it. Oh my – excuse me – fucking god was it funny! I mean the episode is so funny that I physically hurt from laughing so hard.

The funnies parts of Got A Nut were the parts featuring Kristi Noem dressed in ICE riot gear with her face constantly drooping and being reattached and fixed up and the parts featuring Trump’s smirking head attached to Colonel Sanders’ body. Every time the cartoonish Trump spoke his head wildly flapped and his mouth moved with such exaggeration that I was in stitches. I laughed to the point of coughing and wheezing.

Yes, this was a good one. I don’t ordinarily use images in my blog entries but one was really needed here. Every time I picture this, I am done. I just hurt from laughter. South Park is usually like that. They’re equal opportunity offenders – they single out everyone to offend which is why I like them very much. These days, with all of the antidepressants that I take, a show or movie has to be honest-to-odin funny for me to laugh. South Park is still funny after damn near 30 years.

The laugh was so good that it left me feeling better. My dreams were naturally much more relaxed and even a little goofy. I am well on my way for a research topic to submit to my professor for my class on Racism & Oppression. I feel, for once, like I am able to manage and juggle all of the balls in the air. Tonight I will enjoy the Eagles game and maybe so good food with some friends. All-in-all a good Sunday.

I feel a huge sense of relief after having turned in my first grad school paper yesterday. I definitely way overthought it and obsessed too much. The damn thing was only 1.5 pages and only needed one reference cited yet I had four. Okay, I know I need to relax and take it easy. I get it. 🤣

Today my aim is to get the assigned group project completed and get a research topic for the 25 page paper I have due at the end of end of the semester. If I can get the work done on the group project and at least start on a research topic, I will be happy.

I’m still aiming for that 4.0 this semester. I’m capable of it and I want it badly. Not to impress my professors but for my own satisfaction because I am capable of this. I want that dean’s list. Plus, I could get preferential federal employment with the superior academic achievement program if I have a GPA greater than a 3.5. I might want to work for the VA after I graduate because I care about veterans.

By the time I graduate, I think politically things will be more stable. Trump will be out of office and/or dead. I am willing to bet we will have shifted to more progressive thinking. We may be better off all around. At least here is to hoping. I wouldn’t choose social work as a career if I did not have hope.

I just need to do a little stream of conscience writing to get my brain warmed up and ready to go for a productive day. This morning I woke up feeling better about having dropped the practicum because I’ve got some rather profound health issues going on. I seem to have some incontinence. This should not be a thing for a 48 year old man so I now have to bring this to the attention of my primary care physician. It could be as simple as a urinary tract infection or it could be something more serious so this is something that needs to be checked out.

Today needs to be an all out productive day to get my essay done and turned in for my Social Welfare Policy I class. I feel more confident this morning than I did last night. This little journaling will get my brain moving. My writing teacher in high school used to have us do this as a means of engaging the brain and it works remarkably well. Even just looking at the paper through a fresh eye now does not look so overwhelming.

I am feeling better today about grad school than I did yesterday and that’s important. Now I am ready to tackle this paper!

I just feel like crying right now and I’m fighting back the tears. It was quite a blow having to drop out of practicum and having this health issue so early in my grad school career. I tried to get some work done today but was unsuccessful. I was just too distracted and the efforts at trying to focus simply tired me out.

I gave up for the moment and got on the bus to head home. I’m going to take a nap and see if that will help any. Sleep isn’t a cure for depression for me but maybe the physical symptoms might abate enough for me to get some work done on this paper. My therapist would advise setting a SMART goal: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. So my goal for tonight is to correct the APA formatting, fix the grammar, and spend no more than 1.5 hours total tonight. I’ll set an alarm to make sure that I do not exceed that.

I think this should leave me feeling like I’ll be in a better place. Then I can do the final touch ups tomorrow during the day and turn it in before class and be reasonably confident that I’ve turned in something of good quality. Setting that smart goal made me feel better and less adrift. Nevertheless, I am physically tired and need a nap.

I’m going to have to take this MSW program one challenge at a time and to remember to stay in the present. I can manage this. Staying in the present will help me to be successful. I will break this down to one surmountable challenge at a time.