Category: Mental Health

It’s going to be nice having some time off after today. I get off at 11am and I don’t have to be at work again until Thursday at 4pm. I will enjoy having the time off as I am really tired. I think I want to sleep late tomorrow. That sounds delightful. I did my last few things to complete migration to a dual stack IPv4/IPv6 setup. I noticed my Mastodon instance has been cruising since I gave it IPv6 access.

I am too tired to work on my business this morning. I’m thinking I’m just going to mess around on my laptop. Being productive just isn’t going to happen. I have a therapy appointment about the time I get home from work. After that I would like to have a nap and then watch a show or three with Denisse. A boring afternoon will be fine as well.

I hope I hear from VGM soon as I am tired of doing security work. VGM offers a driving contract position through the Uber platform. Unlike other opportunities, this one pays $23 per hour on a 1099 basis. I think if I hear back from VGM with an offer, I’m going to start doing that instead of security work. I’m really and truly tired of being a security guard.

VGM has quite a nice offering and if I need more time off one week, I can simply take that time because it has been ruled that 1099-basis workers cannot be forced into accepting a schedule. The courts ruled that 1099 is contractual basis and forcing a set schedule changes things into employment. I would rather not work so hard. Also driving a high end Lucid vehicle will be fun.

I am really dragging today as I had to come into work for 7a-11a after working last night from 3a-11p. This is definitely not an easy thing to do at my age. When I was 25 years younger, I could double back on shifts easily. Despite dragging hind tit, I managed to figure out why the Mastodon instance I setup last night wasn’t working. It turns out that I forgot to allow NGINX to be able to work properly on SELinux. With that resolved, I am back.

It’s good to be back on Mastodon and the Fediverse. Out of all of the social media, the Fediverse is solidly my favorite because of the sheer variety of content posted and created. I learn a lot from the postings and it is fun to do some content creation of my own. Anyhow, while at work I managed to do something stupid and power down the Mastodon server so I’ll have to wait until I get home.

When I finally get home, I am going straight to bed. I need to get some rest badly. Then I can do a little work on my Mastodon instance. I added ElasticSearch for some more powerful search options but it ain’t working the way it should. I am sure I will figure it out eventually.

I have to go to work again tomorrow from 7a-11a. Then I have one day off and I go back at it again. Fun times!

Today has been a really tough day mentally, no doubt on by the fact that I am so tired and I will only have 2 days off in the next 14. I’m at work and not motivated in the slightest. I have to find some things to do to keep me busy at work today or I will end up falling asleep. I don’t want to fall asleep as I really don’t like security guards that do it. So maybe I will have to get some caffeine of some sort.

I did not sleep so well because I had a particularly vexing computer problem to solve. I eventually solved it when I realized that I needed a network address translation rule put into place which did the trick. I realized that routing was not working correctly from the default gateway back to the virtual machine acting as the VPN endpoint at home. Now I can access my homelab from anywhere that does not filter out WireGuard traffic.

Okay, well I spoke too soon because I forgot to enable and start sshd on my desktop. This means I won’t be able to reach my desktop but I can reach other network services so I mostly solved the problem. I had some grand plans to get work done this afternoon and evening but that won’t happen. Instead, I am going to need to find an alternative way to work.

I’m lying in my hospital bed in Wilmington Hospital and now I see what that godawful gym teachers I had in middle and high school were driving at. They were telling us that our bodies are our most important possessions and to treat them right. But they were so mean to me that I could not hear this lesson. Even psychopaths have moments of good advice and concern I guess. It’s too bad the balance of their behavior obliterates the bad.

If you had asked me in high school if I would be a type 2 diabetic, I would’ve told you that whatever you were smoking would be powerful. I cannot change the past but I sure can look at what I have going for me. I have a healthy heart and my brain has no physical damage. I just never thought that I would really need my cane now.

Climbing stairs is difficult as my feet grow numb from the activity. This makes bringing up heavy objects difficult. Not from a cardiovascular perspective, but from not knowing where I am in space. I’ve already had trouble with visual spatial awareness. Having a physical problem has worsened that condition. So I will walk with a cane and get handicapped tags for easier parking when I can finally get a car.

In life, people learn to adapt and overcome. I’m nowhere near ready to quit. I’m just too damn stubborn. Also, I’ve done a lot of amazing and eye opening things. I’ve had a lot of life in my years. I’ve biked a couple of 100 milers, backpacked through Mt. Rainier and the Sierras, climbed Mt. Baker. That’s actually a lot of life in my years.

I know I can do better and make better choices. I haven’t because I’m still looking to food for comfort. If I’m going to use food for comfort, then I need to choose nourishment not garbage.

On Tuesday I was admitted to the hospital. Thankfully I did not have a stroke like the doctors suspected. I am however dizzy and tired all the time. I don’t know what the cause of this is and it is concerning. I was just too tired and foggy to blog yesterday.

At any rate, I’m going to need a cane all of the time now for safety reasons. Aging can be difficult. But I must learn to accept this instead of feeling remorse for missed opportunities and connections. I actually have a good future ahead of my doctors can figure out what’s going on.

It looks like business plans will need to be put on hold for a bit while I figure things out. I’ve been in a brain fog for the past two days. I hope I’ll be ready to go today. I miss my love and my bed. Maybe all this happening this week is changing my priorities. Maybe it’s okay to simply live basically.

I feel strangely without much emotion right now. I feel like I’m existing but quietly. It’s difficult to explain. I miss my computers and my home lab. It’s so much fun to experiment with Linux and BSD. I miss that kind of fun right now. It’s fulfilling fun. 🤓

Nobody really knows what the future holds but I hope things will get better than they are now. This year has started out difficult. It hasn’t been easy psychologically or medically for that matter. I guess I’m fine using a cane all or most of the time. Acceptance can be a good thing.