I feel thoroughly exhausted and defeated. I am not sure how I am going to make it through to the end of this year. Part of me wishes that I would get hit by a car or lightning to strike me so Denisse could get a payout from Social Security. I am frustrated because I am having difficulty providing for her and I’m failing in every possible way. I did not get much in the way of rest on my days off. I went to see my mom at Summit Place on Wednesday. Then yesterday I took a bus trip to Baltimore to look at a car and that trip was a bust. I mean an utter bust.

I feel like everything in life is a 10 yard fight and it does not have to be that way. Now I am back at work and all I want to do is call out. I don’t even mind the job that much but I am tired and my head is not in the game. I am just not in a good head space. As much as I hate the expression, “Snap out of it!” I am feeling like this is something I have to do to get buy.

I already know today is going to be a day where my autism symptoms will be worse. My anxiety is already elevated because my new job screwed up my pay so badly. I am missing 3 pay checks! I filled out the direct deposit form at new employee orientation and they messed up. That gave me a shit load of extra stress this morning. I just don’t want to snap. I do need to function.

Now that I am finally getting used to my new job, I like it and, for the most part, my colleagues. It was a good week but still tiring because of the adjustment. I am looking forward to my new pay amount and having a little more money with which to be able to do some things like have a car to make getting to and from work easier. In fact, on Thursday, I am going to be rolling down to Ownings Mills, Maryland to look at a Chevy Bolt EUV LT. It’s in a really cool electric blue kind of color and is decently equipped. The two downsides are that it was owned by 2 people and was in a non-structural accident. However, the balance of the warranty is still in effect so I should still be good to go on that front.

The big thing will be convincing a bank to lend me the money to make this happen. That may be hard because my credit is trash. Hell, my financial life is trash but that is a story for another day. I hope that I can convince the dealership to allow me to make the down payment in two payments. That also might be challenging. I also have to ask about the warranty because I am not driving something that has no basic warranty.

I went to see my mom at her memory care facility today and I was absolutely shocked at what I saw. Let me caveat what I am about to say by stating that this does not look like the facility’s fault. My mom is looking frail and should not be walking anymore because her alzheimers has progressed to the point where it is unsafe and she is tripping over her own feet. When I got to the facility, I was shocked because I didn’t even recognize my own mother. The light seems to have dimmed in her eyes and she’s looking very sad and resigned. Mom did recognize me right away and smiled and cried that I had come to visit her. Still very sad nonetheless.

The emotional day was too much so I slept from 4:30PM to 6:45PM. I hit REM because I had some very numerous and confusing dreams. I awoke feeling somewhat disoriented and out of it. But I do feel rested now.

Yesterday I connected with my Vocational Rehabilitation counselor, Becca. I had originally intended to go to the Department of Labor (DVR in Delaware falls under DoL) only to pick up bus passes for my fiancee. However, I bumped into Becca, and asked her if we could meet. I was glad that to learn that she had some appointments cancel and we could meet. I know that I have to rethink my direction in life; even menial jobs working for somebody else are becoming impossibly difficult for me to perform. I asked her about small business opportunities and assistance for people with Autism. I was surprised to learn that DVR does have a program for such a path. Even more so, I felt happy like I might have help with an escape from the pit of despair that I am in.

It turns out that my new job is materially worse than my previous one. The only better part about it is the $22 per hour pay rate but the rest of it is an exercise in impossibility for me. I do not multitask very well at all and those demands are being placed on me. Since it’s just too much and I’ve come to realize that the work place has just fundamentally changed. More and more is being expected of fewer and fewer people. I am just not that competitive anymore. So it’s time to take the small business route and look into those resources.

I am strongly thinking about opening my own IT Training Academy that will teach high school kids and post high school adults. I am thinking that we will do everything from teaching basic computer use up through career preparation with a smattering of my own curriculum mixed in. Since I already have my LLC formed, I’ll just operate it under the Avvira Global name or possibly another. That’s just for a bit further down the pike. I think I would like to teach simply because there is a bit less pressure and we can explore all kinds of rabbit holes. My plan of course would be to eventually not do the teaching role and hire folks to do it for me. I don’t know how feasible this is but that will be for a program to tell me and not for me to decide.

I could also revisit the drop shipping business I have in mind to run called SwagHarbour. The idea is that I would do logo merchandise and corporate brand identity-related things. I have some thoughts here like custom designed merchandise but there are a lot of other folks doing this and how do I build a brand here. I’d just be another e-commerce shop in a sea floating with them. I couldn’t compete on price but maybe customer experience? I don’t know really.

I don’t think I would enjoy this as much because I really want to eat, sleep, and breathe technology. As stupid as the previous phrase sounds, I am happiest when doing what I love. I love to experiment, tinker, and teach others how to do so. Computers can be fun when you can experiment with them. I actually envision a comprehensive teaching for high school students that does a lot more than simply career prep. It will give a strong theoretical background and delve into a lot of the topics often glossed over in many other career prep curricula.

Maybe if I can keep this in the forefront of my mind, I will feel better because I won’t feel stuck and full of worry. I know there is still stress in being an entrepreneur but it’s a different kind. I am done trying to interpret expectations and unwritten rules of the workplace. Most workplaces are so unfriendly to people with disabilities like myself. Also, I want to build a business that elevates my community and another e-commerce business does not. I know I will eventually need a brick and mortar location to pull this business off.

I now know I am truly past my prime to the point where I am no longer able to do the more advanced parts of physical security anymore. The site I am at is simply too complex for me. There is too much multitasking. I cannot do it anymore. It’s a shame really. Everything seems to get harder as I grow older.

I proactively reached out to my employer asking for a simpler site. I hope something becomes of the request. I don’t even mind a pay cut. It’s better than potentially getting fired. I could try to reach out to my DVR counselor and see if she can help. I am guessing that she probably will be able to help. Once Allied here’s that this is a disability issue, they’ll be quick to respond.

I don’t want to declare having a disability because I will always be discriminated against. But what choice do I have? Denisse and I will starve and be homeless if I cannot work. I know I am teetering on a panic attack. I’m just trying to keep it together.

Today I feel neither good nor bad. I just feel neutral and I guess that is okay. Yesterday I learned something about performance tuning for VPNs. I managed to drastically improve the performance of the VPN tunnel between my virtual private server in North Carolina and my home lab. I would’ve thought that after glow would carry but it did not. That’s okay. I brought packet latency down from 35ms to < 20ms simply by doing some work.

Maybe I’m feeling meh because of having to go to work. I’m working the remainder of my notice period as much as I do not want to. I need the cash so it is what it is. On Thursday of next week my new job at Allied begins and I’m looking forward to it. I’ll have more money and (hopefully) less worry.

Now that my home lab is pretty much complete until I can afford another machine to become a second server, the journey is on hold. Part of me would like to get back into ham radio. My license is still valid. I just haven’t had time or money and the home lab held more interest at the time

I have my last 6 days at OPS Security Group and I would be lying if I did not say I feel a bit of mixed emotions. I do like the people I work with but $17/hour is just not enough money. I will miss my colleagues very much, but in a capitalist society, money talks and bull$h1t walks. Unfortunately, OPS as a company has enough bull$sh1t to fill up a large septic tank. The owner does not want to pay his people what they’re worth and as other companies offer more, few people will stay. Employees feel insulted by things like rewards points, pizza, and other gimmicks. They don’t come to work for these things. It’s literally f*ck you, pay me.

I am excited to start for Allied Universal Security Services again. Yeah, I know they are a mediocre company but they are large and they have plenty of decent opportunities. Employment is more apt to be stable with them than a fly-by-night like OPS. I am grateful to OPS for helping me restart my career in security when it was difficult to get anyone to give me a chance. But that much said, the gratitude quickly wore off when I saw my hard work being rewarded with such low pay. For what I am doing, I am getting scraps returned to me and poverty sucks.

I decided to take 3 days off in between the end of OPS and the beginning of Allied Universal. That reminds me, at some point I am going to have to sign on to Allied Edge and see what computer-based training modules I need to take. I am sure there are a few out there and I’d originally planned to knock them out (unironically) while on shift for OPS but I am simply too tired right now to think about it. And tomorrow I have to get up early to be back in to work for a 4 hour stint.

I am hoping that I hear from my friend Matt Yoder tomorrow. I am hoping that he is doing better and thinking of restarting his business. I want to help him out with some IT infrastructure that will not disappoint. That is, if he will even talk to me. I don’t think I am numero uno in his book at the moment.

I am really ready for this new opportunity. I am just going to embrace the change offered to me and do a decent shift’s work for 22.00/hour. I cannot wait for the weekly pay and even the days when I have to work on a holiday so I can sap up that extra money. Maybe with less financial stress, I’ll be less tired and more idea driven and have more motivation to work on a business. Only time will really tell.

I’m having a bit of a high anxiety morning and I do not really know why because typically a dose of THC does much to alleviate this. So this must be situational anxiety rather than chemical. I received an offer letter from Allied Universal for a security officer and I completed the background check and drug test agreements. I was supposed to get an email after the background check completed so that I could schedule a new employee orientation. This has not come and I need this job so my anxiety is high.

Not even being in my home lab has done much to alleviate the anxiety. I managed to fix a problem with zero down time and zero data loss. That in of itself was an achievement. At least I am still good at one thing: computers and networks. And I am just good … not an expert by any means. Working on a home lab has taught me just how much more I need to teach myself. 😆

So I have to figure out how to bring my anxiety down somewhat. I figure that if I tell myself that this is something I cannot control that I can relax a bit. On Monday, I will call the local branch office of Allied Universal and figure out what the next steps are. Sometimes a little bit of proactivity goes a long way. The office local to where I live is Claymont, Delaware. It’s a quick and easy bus ride to the New Employee Orientation.

I really need this new job! I need to get out from under the present disaster I am in. Ugh! It’s putting me on edge every time I walk in to work on the weekdays. I rather like the weekends because I rarely deal with anyone. I simply work.