Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • Today’s Thoughts

    It’s taken a bit of time but I finally have my home lab the way I want it so I think I can quit think I can quit tinkering. I have one final and small problem to deal with – remote access VPN. It’s still not working 100% but I can use ssh as a workaround so I will. But emails are working and so are the web and app servers. I can call this a 99% victory. I might want to figure out some cloud backup scheme but I don’t really use the cloud anymore and don’t want to go back to it.

    I have to go to work today and I really don’t want to. I don’t feel like making Daniel Costa, the owner of the company I work for, wealthier. He’s already a multi-millionaire and yet somehow pays us less than the average wage. The good news, however, is that next week I will be going to a competitor to apply and hopefully get hired. I will also be looking outside of the security field. I’ve got a lead on a driving job Monday through Friday that pays $4.00 per hour more than I am presently earning. I might keep the weekend shift that I have though.

    Despite feeling somewhat tired, I am in a pleasant state of mind and pretty much ready for whatever life throws at me today. I have to figure out what I will be doing while at work to pass the time. Maybe I will write an article on my tech blog, The TCP/IP Guy. That would be kind of fun. I’ll write an article on IPv6 or WireGuard. I don’t really know just yet. I might even set myself up to watch some shows to pass the time.

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  • Feel Like Giving Up

    I feel like giving up this foolish escapade to write a book. I say it’s foolish because I seem to keep on restarting and starting over but getting nowhere at all and learning nothing. Perhaps I wasn’t meant to write a book. Perhaps I should focus my efforts more on video content creation teaching people about networking and systems administration through building computer labs. Maybe it would be more interesting and engaging through recorded content. It will be something that maybe I need to explore.

    I know blogging is kind of falling out of style where as vlogging and short video content is growing in demand. The kids want to learn these days but they want to learn in ways that they know is best to them. Many don’t learn that well from written content and learn much more effectively from short form video content. Is it something that I deign to try? I don’t really know.

  • Days Off

    It is so nice to have some badly needed days off. I managed to get my home lab segmented off from the rest of the home network which I wanted to do for security and privacy. That way if I have guests and they bring their devices, I don’t have to worry as much about viruses. I got that achieved despite it being a pain in the ass. Well, okay, it’s mostly achieved as I still do not understand why my industrial grade OPNsense router is not properly routing WireGuard tunnels but that is troubleshooting for another day. Everything else works including my blog, email, and Mastodon. I am good to go.

    Now I am just chilling with Denisse on the couch and doing my semi-daily blog entry. I did a gummy last night and I am still feeling no pain from it. I love the relaxed, no-care, and emotional pain-free feeling. Everything in my life, save for Denisse, is utter shit right now and I am oddly okay with it. I say oddly because it’s not exactly normal to feel okay about a shit situation. Well, acceptance of things you cannot change is good I guess.

    I am getting Denisse’s birthday gift early this year. I’m buying her a Samsung Galaxy S25 for her 50th. But since things like color and case need to be picked out, it’s something that she should really be involved in. I can deal with having the shitty phone for a bit. She deserves something nice. I also feel good about being able to do something nice for her.

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  • Feeling Down

    I’m feeling down because I’m still, at heart, a people pleaser. This has lead to me being overwhelmed and taken advantage of by most work places. My current one is no exception. It’s sad because I work hard but get scraps in return. I believe that it’s time to move on from my present employer.

    I want to learn balance in the workplace and to only take on extra shifts when it is personally beneficial. I stopped doing that with my current employer. I’ve been “taking one for the team” and it’s lead to bitterness and a feeling of unappreciation. I’m just repeating a pattern in my life.

    So maybe I seek out better opportunities and happier circumstances. We shall see! But in order for conditions to become better for me, I have to drop the people pleasing attitude once the interview is over. The interview is a deliberate act. Once I’m hired and have a few weeks under my belt, I can be more selective.

    I still want to continue writing my book. I am just so exhausted that I can hardly think. This isn’t a good situation to be in but what can I realistically do when there are bills to pay and I have to support Denisse. I will add that I love Denisse dearly and I would do almost anything for her. I am proud of her for sticking out the phlebotomy class and doing pretty well at that! I know that once she graduates, she’ll pick something up and then life will be easier for the two of us. We just have to be stoic and keep moving forward.

    I once had a psychiatrist, Joel Goldstein, who made a wise observation that I am stubborn. I never saw myself as stubborn but he was not incorrect and that was something that I needed to process. I think that being a stubborn person has mostly kept me alive and moving forward. Right now I need to channel this stubbornness and stoicism. Doing this may reap some rewards.

  • Saturday Double Shift

    I had difficulty sleeping last night so it was one of those very rare times that I could answer the security operations center when they reached out to me to see if I would do a double shift. Seeing as I couldn’t sleep, I answered that I would and the fact that the site I work at is great! I do need the money as well. This coming week’s paycheck is going to look very nice but I hope I do not burn out. I am not quite a spring chicken anymore.

    I still feel surprisingly good and I managed to write another 600 words on my book. My goal is to average 400-600 words per day of writing. If I can manage that, the book will quickly develop into something. I believe that this is entirely possible provided that I remain in decent health and do not get sick. I am trying to write from a stream of consciousness and not be too concerned with anything other than putting thoughts to paper. This is what my therapist, Nan, would recommend.

    The book I am working on is basically about building home computer labs and growing them in increasing complexities and features. The chapter I am working on is the planning stage. It’s a bit dry but necessary.

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  • Feeling Oddly Good

    Despite having a very long week ahead, I am feeling oddly good about it. I think that is largely due to earning a good amount of money. It is kind of a shame though that I will have to work so many hours in order to receive such a nice and helpful paycheck. The trouble is that security guards just are not seen as very important. The salary plight is very real. But I still feel okay about my earnings.

    I had a pretty successful day too. I stood up a self-hosted email server out of my home and got accounts created for myself and Denisse. It feels good getting crap out of the cloud. Corporations are really irresponsible with our data and the best way to recapture our freedom and control is to host our own data using free/open source software. Now I just have to get Denisse to start blogging. I really do it for pure enjoyment and not to monetize it. Hell, I don’t even think I really could monetize it if I wanted to.

    It felt so good to chat with my email hosting provider and tell them I was cancelling my email hosting plan. They wanted to know why and I told them that I would be doing it myself. They tried to use marketing psychology to tell me why this would be a bad idea. So far, I am only seeing upsides. The one downside, if you want to call it that, is I am responsible for the mail server’s reliability. Personally, I don’t care that much. The idea is depriving corporations of money. I found out one reason that my email hosting plan wasn’t terribly expensive is that my data was being sold. Yeah, um, hell no. I am not the product here. Don’t charge me for a product and than monetize me further.

    I am getting closer and closer to beginning to write this book on self-hosting and the home lab. If more and more people did this, Big Technology might lose some money for a change and we might gain substantial freedom. After all, Big Technology has pretty much lawyered up good so you can’t practically go after them for losing your data anyways. Thus you might as well retain 100% control over it and not allow them to make money off of you and your content. I already stopped using most corporate social media. I only actively use Reddit. I only occasionally use Facebook for its marketplace. I can really be found actively on Mastodon, and you guessed it, I host my own Mastodon instance as well.

    I host my own WordPress blog too. All this self hosting takes place on Dell OptiPlex 7060 8th Gen i7 with a 14TB HD and 64GB of RAM. I have fun and get a lot of satisfaction out of it.

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  • Unbelievably Pissed Off

    As the title reads, I am so angry I could cry. I rarely get this angry and incensed that I am beyond yelling or even silent anger – this is one of those times. I just watched a segment on YouTube from vlogger Lindey Glenn called People With Jobs Are Sleeping in Their Cars Now. I agree with about 99% of the content that Lindey puts up. About 1% of the stuff she puts up though is capitalist apologia and I don’t care much for that as I think it detracts from her overall vibe and message. Anyhow, I digress as the episode put me in a very dark and angry place. There is truly no hope for the United States now and it really doesn’t matter what political aisle you identify yourself on.

    With thanks to politicians of Democratic and Republican persuasion we have effectively criminalized homelessness. We have found a way to do a complete end-run around the constitution which expressly forbids criminalizing a status. I am so angry and sad. It’s going to take a fucking miracle to fix this and there is no political will to do so because the venture capitalists have actually bought up all of the housing resources, alternative or otherwise, and made basic living impossible. I am autistic and will not survive 12 hours, let alone 24, living on the street. Is life worth living if I cannot even lead it in basic safety and dignity!? I am really thinking right now.

    Maybe it is dangerous to think this deeply so late at night when the night demons come out. The night demons are real for people that suffer from major depressive and generalized anxiety disorders like myself. Yes, this is a very real phenomenon. I am feeling so much right now that it will be a good thing I am seeing my therapist tomorrow. I feel so much right now that I know the only thing that will improve things for me will be talk therapy to help stop the swirling thoughts. Not even sleep is helping me recover.

    On top of all of this, I think I might have been the victim of a job search scam. This is not of those direct monetary ones but one where the company posts a fake job and then requires their candidates to “solve a problem” or “complete a task.” They do this knowing people will jump through hoops in these economic times. This task was especially difficult but I did solve it. The more I think about it, the more I think this was a phantom job offer. It only made me angrier! I need to sleep this off.

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  • A Sleepless Night

    Last night was quite unpleasant. It was another sleepless night. I really needed three days off but my boss contacted me about covering a four hour shift on Thursday and then I would have Friday off. I need the money and I am in no shape to turn opportunities down. This isn’t much fun but it costs money to live and the elites would have it no other way. Life feels like an unending punishment.

    Last night I think I brought back my Mastodon and WordPress instances back from the dead. Well, I know I brought back my WordPress instance. I am not so sure about Mastodon. The database might have gotten corrupted while I was doing a few things and I stupidly neglected to take a backup of the damn thing. Well, I seem to keep learning this lesson over, so yes, this is stupidity at this point.

    I don’t know quite how today is going to play out other than that I will be spending another 4 hours guarding a dock door when I am rather capable of so much more. This also frustrates me very much.

  • Learned Something

    Abilify is making a big difference in my life. It’s not miraculous by any means but I am doing better. However I learned that I cannot take it at night because it is activating. I wake up at 4:00am all ready to rock and roll. By 2:00pm, I’m falling asleep. So yeah, I’m going to try it as a morning med instead.

    Another day in the coal mines is upon me but I don’t necessarily care because I am doing what I must. I feel better than I did last night when I was all salty and morose. I’m in better spirits and feel a better sense of hope; at least for today. My goal is living in the present. I’m asking myself what my needs are to make today happen. That’s the most important question and thought.

    Looking beyond today will merely overwhelm and sadden me. Once I have a better handle on my depression, I can begin to be more forward looking. For now, a life in the present is a life well lived.

  • I’m Pissed Off

    I don’t know why but I’m exceptionally angry this evening so I’m doing some additional writing to externalize the thoughts. I feel like a victim and I’m simultaneously angry and depressed about this. I feel like no matter what I do I just get knocked around by life. I had my hours cut at work and I’m wondering what will be next. I feel like I’m being exploited as I’m being paid a whopping $17 per hour. This is two dollars an hour over minimum wage in a medium cost of living area.

    The conservatives would tell me to get another job while they’re stealing money left and right with a cigar hanging out of their mouths and sipping on expensive liquor that I’ll never afford. I don’t know if this is capitalism, corruption, or both. I personally think America is too late to be saved. Tomorrow I go to work to earn the miserly sum of money. I’m nothing more than a whore for my employer. I have a fully incorporated pimp. The irony is not lost on me.

    I’m tired but sleep does not restore me. My two hobbies no longer give me satisfaction. I feel like a machine of anger and despair. I’m too chicken to off myself. I’m also chicken for wanting to go to sleep and not wake up. I don’t see a path forward. Today I lost sight of living for today. Perhaps I will regain this tomorrow.