I’m mourning the loss of my dream to one day have land in the mountains. I think I have come to the sad realization that I won’t be climbing out of poverty. I’m thinking the coming years are only going to be increasingly difficult. I fear that my life is going to be one of survival. Perhaps I’ve accepted this. But that doesn’t mean I cannot create new and very practical dreams.

Since my prescriber has added Abilify to my regimen, I’m doing mentally better. Instead of feeling like I could break down and cry, I feel like I honestly could create new dreams that will be every bit as good and more achievable. I wonder what the coming days will bring. I know I’ll be in survival mode for a while because the economy is bad. I’m fortunate enough to even have this low end job. Service jobs are even hard to get!

For the time being, I’m trying to live in the present, go to work, and do what I love which is working on my home lab. I’m not going to think more than a few days ahead. This is still living in the present. I feel good when given a good mental challenge and task.

The next mission is to setup a private cloud with Nextcloud!

It looks like the positive trend is continuing because I woke up and felt like smiling. I cannot say that I have felt like this in many, many weeks. Even this low dose of Abilify at only 2mg seems to be augmenting the Fluvoxamine antidepressant that I am on. I hope that the trend at least continues. I am on a low dose so I hope that the risk of tardive dyskinesia is low. That’s what happened to me on on the higher dosages, those at 5mg and above. I had some uncontrolled facial movements. I think I just want enough to work even minimally.

Last week was one of the worst weeks I have had in a while. I am happy it is over and I can look forward. The one takeaway from it is that I am strong, perhaps stronger than I believe. My therapist is correct in her observations. Today I want to take a sobering look at the potential next steps for my life since Uber is no longer going to be a possibility. If entrepreneurship is still a potential goal, I have to figure out a way to get my name out there.

The main thing for the next three days, today included, is to rest. If ideas come to me, I will simply jot them down for further exploration and examination next week. My brain needs rest after this week and definitely not further stimulation. I’ve been over-stimulated as a result of the anxiety and depression. The feeling has been super unpleasant so keeping things wound down will be welcome. It may be a challenge to simply jot the idea down for later examination because my particular symptoms of autism wants for me to act on them right away. That simply will not do right now.

I want to watch some movies and shows with Denisse and just let my worries disappear for a while. I would even enjoy simply keeping Denisse company while she studies for a bit. I could peck away on my laptop.

I am,as they say in the southern US, “Jittery as a junebug.” Tomorrow I will be renting a car from Uber and be beginning my journey as a rideshare driver. The weekly rental fee is not too bad and the vehicle is an electric one that I will be able to charge at EvGO charging stations. I plan on purchasing a monthly membership to cut down on the expense of rapid charging. I worry that I will not be able to make up the cost of renting the vehicle and I know I will have to bust my ass in order to make any kind of money. I am scared, nervous, and I feel like the proverbial failure before I’ve even gotten started.

This is a very unpleasant way to feel but I shall do my utmost best to earn a living. The worst case scenario is that this does not pan out and I go back to ground zero. That might not be so bad but I’ll put in the efforts. I also just feel defeated mentally, like there is no way out of the fix that I am in. Maybe I am starting to develop some suicidal ideation again. Maybe I just want to be completely left alone. Like I do not want anyone else around. This is not a good place to be in.

I think I need some activity and to see that I can earn money and I can make it. I need some confidence boosters where I have almost 0 to none right now. The most I have to look forward will be an unbearably hot summer – a summer that I already know will be virtually relentless.

Yesterday, my boss sent me a text with some bad news that I think he really did not want to deliver because he is truly a good and decent guy. While I do not like the job and I hate the company, the same cannot be said for Chris. I feel that Chris could be headed for bigger and better things than OPS and I would give him one hell of a recommendation if he ever asked me. Hell, I’d be honored. I digress though because the bad news is that the company lost one of the contracts I was working on.

I split my time between as a security guard between two sites to get to 40 hours. I work at a police department monitoring city cameras for 16 hours a week and city hall for 24. The police department decided to terminate the contract for under performance effective June 1st. The police department elected to save money by reducing staffing from two evening shift guards to one and three day shift guards to two. So the supervisor was actually fired as he was the one of the guards under performing. I was cut because I was only working 2 days a week anyways.

OPS does not really have anything else for me at the moment other than where I am presently working. There is one site but it is quite a bit further away and not easily accessible. It’s also more like lite police work, dealing with addicts and transients. This is something I do not want to do. I sought out another company that elected to take a pass on me. There are postings for armed positions but the expense of obtaining that license upgrade is not insignificant.

So I feel defeated. I feel like my next logical step is to try and get Uber off the ground to fund a business venture. I was watching a YouTube video with Denisse and the person wisely observed that traditionally self-employment was riskier than traditional employment, but in these days and times, it has flipped. It’s getting impossible to find work. It used to be that you could always find work as a security guard. Now that is not even true anymore.

I am really not enthusiastic about this but I am taking the walk to the local Avis that serves Uber drivers to see what it’s going to take to rent the car and get this venture started. I am anxious and nervous about doing this but I have to get it done. I need a way to earn money. I am getting older and this is increasingly difficult. Corporations don’t like hiring the older worker despite incentives to do so. We are seen as liabilities instead of assets. Is it because of health insurance costs? Is it because we are seen as less capable of learning and adapting? I just don’t know. I love to learn new skills and develop new capabilities.

Yet again, I find myself having to escape the jaws of defeat. The difference is that I am now older and the perception is that I am somehow no longer capable of working a traditional job, despite having the skills to do so. Who knows? I might find I actually enjoy doing Uber. Maybe it could lead to some opportunities that I am not considering because I am in such a depressed state. I truly do not know what the answer is.

The only thing I know for certain is that times are crazy and we have even crazier leadership. Trump and his cronies want to build a ballroom that will cost north of a billion dollars and everyday people like myself are hurting. Trump starts a war with Iran and he probably does it to further enrich himself, his family, and the defense industry. I am almost certain that Trump has investments in Big Defense.