Category: Mental Health

This morning I just feel empty and blank. I feel nothing at all and I guess that is okay because it is preferable to feeling depressed. However, it is still somewhat disconcerting. Maybe I will feel better after taking a shower which I kind of have to do before work as my face is a bit stubbly. I have to make it through my 3-11 today and my 7a-11a tomorrow. Then I have a little bit more than 2 days to recuperate before working another marathon 9 days in a row. I think my shifts have been scheduled so that they straddle a pay period so no overtime for me.

There seems to be no advancement opportunities and no love. Maybe I am just resigned at this point to whatever happens. It could just very well be that I am resigned to my fate. I want to do better but life just keeps knocking me back down hard. I don’t feel much joy anymore. Not even my computer lab gives me much joy. After all, it is plugging away, working, and there’s not much more for me to really do at this point.

I regret moving from Arizona back to the east coast. Some of the best times of my life were spent in Arizona. I had a 1978 Lincoln Mark V, a 2009 Kawasaki Concours, and nice Jetta daily driver. I had a nice place to live with an absurdly low monthly payment. I enjoyed life. Since moving back east, virtually nothing has gone right. Save for meeting (and getting engaged to) Denisse, I’ve lost years of my life that I will never get back.

Now I work a menial, dead-end job with no hope of ever rising out of it. I am out of second chances. I have to face this reality. Even my DVR counselor has given up on me. I don’t know what to say or do at this point.

I got all excited for nothing whatsoever. I was excited about the Securitas opportunity and it did not pan out. I got the rejection email about an hour from the time I wrote this, 10:00PM Eastern. I am almost certain I bungled the interview when I think of it. The interviewer asked me why I was seeking out a new position and I said, “I am looking for greener pastures with growth and development opportunity.” When I think of it, my answer implied the deep-seated discontent that I feel with OPS. I guess, in the eyes of Securitas, this makes me more of a liability than an asset. I would take this as a hard and sad lessen learned.

It was a rough day all around. This morning I got a call from Lodge Lane, the memory care facility where my mom is staying. She hit her head and was brought to the emergency room for evaluation. At least there were no signs of brain injury on the CT scan or MRI so they sent her back to the facility. I am reminded again of just how awful Alzheimer’s Disease is. It’s truly a sad situation. I don’t know how much more bad news I can take. Fortunately, I am not a violent person. The only time I’ve been known to become violent is when my safety has been directly threatened, i.e. it is defensive.

Sometimes I feel like trudging on is useless but I do not feel suicidal. I just feel like I am bordering on shutting down completely. Almost like going catatonic. Knowing my luck, if I attempted suicide, I would bungle it and end up like a vegetable. So I have no choice but to soldier on. There’s just no other option. I just hope that shitbird RFK Jr. does not take away my access to antidepressants. The antidepressants prevent things from being worse and he’s operating on a dangerously flawed premise. He is the prime example of how important it is to only let someone that is a trained psychiatrist make critical mental health decisions. For that matter, only a trained and board-certified doctor should be making healthcare decisions.

If we want to vilify anyone, let’s look at how Big Pharma behaves. They charge egregious amounts of money for medicines that have been available in generic for a long time. Medications on the forefront of health are out of reach to everyone but the wealthy. Furthermore, Big Pharma needs to be incentivized to seek out cures for diseases because cures are not long term profit models. It has become ridiculous. We take medications to counter the effects of other medications while Big Pharma reaps in the profits. But nobody will address the white elephant in the room.

Until such a time as cures can happen, medicines fill a need and they must be affordable. This was a long digression. I’m tired and life feels pretty darned hopeless now. I’m falling further and further behind. I am in a hole I will be unable to extricate myself from soon. I don’t even want to address it. I just want to bury it in substances.

Apparently I have learned some things about network bridging that I never knew and it improved my mood to the point where waking up after only 5 hours of effective sleep was not so bad. I had no idea how powerful a tool it could be. Since I actually woke up before my alarm I decided to try what I learned from ChatGPT, and lo and behold, it worked. And I know why. It’s important that I know why too.

Well I’m going to work a short shift today. I’m not thrilled about it but I am not unhappy either. The work is easy though and not stressful. I’m hungry as hell right now and can’t wait for some food to come my way. I ordered some from DoorDash so I can eat. I need to start working on the Uber platform soon. It will be working 7 days a week and hurting badly.

I can feel my good mood going away. I just feel tired and bitter. I don’t know why life must be so damned difficult. Learning is not even enough anymore.

I could say that the dreams were very intense last night. I mean so intense that I had night sweats. This seems to be happening more and more frequently. I awoke drenched in the middle of night. Why am I getting worse and not better!? I was positively clammy all over. I have to go in to work earlier today to cover for the supervisor because he will be in to overtime. I don’t mind doing a 10 hour shift because I need the money. I still don’t really want to go in but times being what they are …

On the positive side of things, I did manage to write close to 800 words of my book last night. I don’t know whether or not I am pleased with the result, but the entire point is to put words to paper and I achieved that. If I can write or research some more today, I would feel like I accomplished something. I just wish I didn’t feel so down in the dumps and worthless despite getting something accomplished. I know this is the depressed mind talking and not reality.

Despite having a rough night dream-wise, I do seem to be rested and ready for the day. I bought a 2nd network card for my Dell OptiPlex so that I can press it into service on a Proxmox VE virtualized OPNsense router. I want to really get my home lab up 100%. The Verizon-provided CR1000A router is a shitty one. I want some more features and more exciting stuff. This is all going to help tremendously with my book.

Today got off to a rocky start. I am very angry with DART, the Delaware Transit Corporation. They’re the people that provide busing and 2 buses were cancelled. So I ended up having to Uber into work and there goes 25% of today’s earnings. I am beyond angry but this is what happens when budget cuts strike and/or bus drivers call out of work: people get adversely impacted. I do not know how I am going to get ahead. I am literally drowning.

In other news, I have my orientation with VGM so that I can begin driving for them on the Uber platform. Hopefully it will make financial sense. I’ll have to try it and see but I have strong doubts as it seems every other thing I try turns out not to be feasible.

I did get a head start on building out my virtualization server. At long last, I am actually doing this! I am enjoying the challenges very much.

Today has both been one of problem solving and another of new problems. Talk about real life whack-a-mole. One problem solved only to have another pop up. But at least I did get approved to drive through VGM which is good news. I have the orientation tomorrow.

I’m very tired of having two steps backward for every one forward. It’s disheartening and demoralizing. It’s making me angry, short tempered, and depressed all in one. I feel snappy despite taking a restful nap. I feel a butt load of resentment.

Oh well! This too shall pass as they say but I’m still waiting for it to pass. I’ll feel a good deal better if VGM works out because that could be a spring board to better opportunities. It could also be one giant fiasco. I cannot really predict and I won’t try. More information to come.

I’m also pissed because I lost out on overtime from the security job. My boss yanked a shift from me. The money would have been welcome. I’m reminded again how I must look out for myself and my family because my employer sure as shit don’t care about me. Well, my manager does care. It’s just the fuckers above him that don’t.

I think I’m just going to scream hash tags right now.

I should feel pretty good about it being spring and all but I don’t I feel very down and worthless. My nightmares last night were vivid reminders of the missed/lost opportunities of night. I feel so unbelievably sad that I cannot concentrate worth a damn. I just feel like sobbing. I missed lost love and family opportunities; just not a good person. I live in fear and self-pity.

Now I am going to lose my mom to Alzheimer’s and I need to go visit her in memory care but I am working every goddamned day just to stay afloat. I think I am going to see her after work on Monday or Tuesday. I feel tremendous guilt for not going. I’m fighting my own demons and seeing her continue to decline is going to make me feel worse. However, I do not want to live in regret so I will visit her this week.

I had a high school crush on girl named Alynn Capoferri. I had a dream about her that I was pining after her but could not see her. Oh well. My nightmare was like a black and white, infrared photograph with brief moments of color. I think that was the best way to describe it. The Nickelback song, Photograph, really sums it up.

I hate being autistic and suffering from major depressive disorder. It is an absolute curse – like living in a special kind of inescapable hell. I should be happy because I found a woman that I love to pieces and would never dream of cheating on her. But the reality on the ground is that I am suffering immensely. I feel used up and I feel like I will just continue to decline. Maybe that’s for the best. Maybe the Republican’s are right and if I cannot produce, the best place for me is the ground. That’s how I feel right now.

I have to work from 4p-11p today and I don’t really mind because the grand plan is to begin working on my book The Beginner’s Home Lab Book: Learning Linux & BSD By Building Real Systems. I’m going to follow the suggestion of my therapist to approach this as if I am writing a letter to a prospective learner. Despite being tired, I’m excited to get started. In preparation for writing today, I set up a PC to use for this purpose.

This morning I set up some routing so I can reach the PC remotely allowing me to write effectively. I’m actually really excited! The excitement is lessening the lack of desire to go into work today. I know time will pass quickly. My weekend worksite is at a building completely locked down so I will be able to use dictation without the appearance of being crazy.

I slept the day away and I still feel tired. I’m getting a huge resurgence of very intense nightmares that are effecting my sleep adversely. I’m even having nightmares while napping. It used to be that I could at least sleep during the day for a bit and it would be dream free. Not so much anymore.

Well maybe I will get some work on my book accomplished. Maybe a sense of satisfaction will lead to a night of better sleep. I feel mentally awful like it’s a 10 yard fight. But the fact that I am writing this while on the bus to work is sort of a win in of itself. I wanted to call out but that’s not in my nature.