Last night was quite unpleasant. It was another sleepless night. I really needed three days off but my boss contacted me about covering a four hour shift on Thursday and then I would have Friday off. I need the money and I am in no shape to turn opportunities down. This isn’t much fun but it costs money to live and the elites would have it no other way. Life feels like an unending punishment.

Last night I think I brought back my Mastodon and WordPress instances back from the dead. Well, I know I brought back my WordPress instance. I am not so sure about Mastodon. The database might have gotten corrupted while I was doing a few things and I stupidly neglected to take a backup of the damn thing. Well, I seem to keep learning this lesson over, so yes, this is stupidity at this point.

I don’t know quite how today is going to play out other than that I will be spending another 4 hours guarding a dock door when I am rather capable of so much more. This also frustrates me very much.

Abilify is making a big difference in my life. It’s not miraculous by any means but I am doing better. However I learned that I cannot take it at night because it is activating. I wake up at 4:00am all ready to rock and roll. By 2:00pm, I’m falling asleep. So yeah, I’m going to try it as a morning med instead.

Another day in the coal mines is upon me but I don’t necessarily care because I am doing what I must. I feel better than I did last night when I was all salty and morose. I’m in better spirits and feel a better sense of hope; at least for today. My goal is living in the present. I’m asking myself what my needs are to make today happen. That’s the most important question and thought.

Looking beyond today will merely overwhelm and sadden me. Once I have a better handle on my depression, I can begin to be more forward looking. For now, a life in the present is a life well lived.

I don’t know why but I’m exceptionally angry this evening so I’m doing some additional writing to externalize the thoughts. I feel like a victim and I’m simultaneously angry and depressed about this. I feel like no matter what I do I just get knocked around by life. I had my hours cut at work and I’m wondering what will be next. I feel like I’m being exploited as I’m being paid a whopping $17 per hour. This is two dollars an hour over minimum wage in a medium cost of living area.

The conservatives would tell me to get another job while they’re stealing money left and right with a cigar hanging out of their mouths and sipping on expensive liquor that I’ll never afford. I don’t know if this is capitalism, corruption, or both. I personally think America is too late to be saved. Tomorrow I go to work to earn the miserly sum of money. I’m nothing more than a whore for my employer. I have a fully incorporated pimp. The irony is not lost on me.

I’m tired but sleep does not restore me. My two hobbies no longer give me satisfaction. I feel like a machine of anger and despair. I’m too chicken to off myself. I’m also chicken for wanting to go to sleep and not wake up. I don’t see a path forward. Today I lost sight of living for today. Perhaps I will regain this tomorrow.

I have been on a low dose of Abilify now for a couple of days and I am doing better. I didn’t realize how tired my depression was making me. For the second day in a row now I have no needed extra sleep. I won’t use the word hope just yet. I have to see how things pan out over a 30 day period. I need some time to be convinced that this is not a placebo effect.

I’m going to be working for the next 7 days straight but I am not finding myself that much bothered. Of course I say this now but let’s see how this actually plays out. I did a good job living in the present and not thinking of the future. This is exactly the headspace that I needed to be in and I will take this win.

I even managed to finally get my fully virtualized network and VMs done. I realized ChatGPT was the enemy of this endeavor. I just did plain old Duck Duck Go searches this time to separate the wheat and chaff on my own. Lo and behold I found the answers I was looking for. AI is really not good for very much. Nothing beats good research and critical thinking.

I realized I needed a virtual network for my home lab to exist on so I’m not breaking shit for poor Denisse. Part of that challenge was the fact that Verizon gave me this shitty router that I had to work around. I also wanted features like an internal DNS server for my home lab so that I don’t have to assign IP addresses to the VMs. All I have to do is let DHCP do its thing and the names get registered with DNS. This makes management easier.

I really like dnsmasq. It makes DNS and DHCP easy. It’s had a somewhat dubious security history but it is healthy now and it’s mature software. It works well for virtual networks like mine. Now that all of this is done, I can spend some time spinning up a private cloud VM. At least the tinkering is done. The network is finalized.

This morning I think I am feeling somewhat better as a result of the Abilify that my prescriber added to augment the antidepressant. I don’t feel top of the world but I do feel better able to function and I feel some motivation returning. At the very least, I don’t feel like breaking down and crying in public. That is undeniably something.

I actually feel like I am generating ideas again. I feel like it is easier to think. I will take this small win. It’s going to be a longer day today. I don’t necessarily mind however because it won’t be an expensive one. It’s just going to be a day.

I hope there is some cheap bodega near my workplace where I could scrounge up some food for lunch. I know of only convenience stores that are, well, shadier than most. Well, that’s about all for now.

This morning I am trying to find the motivation to do some things to better my existence but I am struggling. Last night I was sad because I knew I was going to need my cane to make it to work. The diabetic neuropathy in my feet continues to worsen at a rapid pace and the days of needing my cane are outpacing those that I do not. I put my cane near my bag in a strategic location so I would not forget it. I am hurting today.

I found 3 jobs worth applying to through GoodWill Industries. One is actually an IT Help Desk Role that is a short bus ride away. The other 2 are state contracts with the Delaware Department of Health and Social Services. I think I will give these a try and see what happens. Something has to give and security is going nowhere. Even though I do not feel motivation, I have to summon it in some fashion. This is the only way I will better myself. I am sick of feeling sad and sorry. I will take things one day at a time and find something to do that is positive each day.

Today I found 3 jobs worth applying to and I will do so. Hey, that is actually 3 positive things right there. I’m reminded of what a friend once told me: In a sea of darkness, there is always a lighthouse to guide you away from the rocks and shoals and into port. At the very least, this will guide me away from the rocks and shoals.

I did not sleep so well last night. It was light and restless. I hope sleep tonight will be better. I hope overall things can better.

I’m so nervous that I am sick to my stomach. I barely slept last night. That’s just how much like rubbish I feel. I am headed in to my four hour shift at OPS and then it will be time to start my Uber adventures. If I am to be honest, I’m completely unprepared to be doing this. I do not even have a dash cam. I just hope I can make it through this first week and make a profit. That would be ideal. I don’t know if it will be possible but I will sure try.

I probably need to eat something to settle my stomach but I don’t know if I can. When I was younger, I could honestly handle change a lot better. Nowadays, not so much. This is appreciably hard. I’m tired and all torqued up at the same time. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling. Maybe I will feel better once I get started and I get a few rides accomplished under my belt.

I have to remember to be polite and not make unwanted conversation. As someone who is autistic, I suck at “reading the room.” If the rider wants to make conversation, I am happy to do so, I just probably will not initiate it. As much as I tell myself ratings don’t matter, they kind of do. They have an effect on earnings and trip preference. That’s another reason why I am nervous. I just know that it’s going to take several trips before I feel comfortable and get into a rhythm.

What makes this especially hard is that I will be effectively working 2 almost full time jobs to make ends meet. I hope that Denisse will not have too much trouble finding work after school gets done in 2 months or so. By then, I won’t have much gas left in the tank. I just hope that this is a folly and that I didn’t fall for it.