Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

Category: Personal

  • Humble Pie Slice

    As the old adage goes, last night I ate a rather prodigious slice of humble pie but I am laughing about it now. Sometimes when we teach ourselves how to do things over the years, we go down rabbit warrens and holes which are our areas of interest. This makes the learning somewhat random and unguided. As a result I ran into a really challenging networking concept that was made even more so by the simple fact that I had never even heard about it. The concept is called TCP offloading.

    In a nutshell, TCP offloading moves some of the TCP processing from the CPU to the actual network card. I think I should have heard about this but did not. Anyhow, it at least partially accounted for the very confounding reason why I could not remotely access my home lab server. I took a brief pause and I think I am about to have another serving of humble pie because I am back to not being able to reach my little tower again. Well, now it turns out the second time is a mismatched subnet mask. This was far simpler.

    I made it to work on time and I feel pretty good because I will be going to a higher paying job; not necessarily a better job but more money and weekly pay will help. Come on background check! Please complete soon. I want to get started on my next endeavor. OPS Security Group blows dawg and it’s time to get the fuck outta dodge. I am excited simply for making more money. I know the company I am going to won’t be any great shakes but the extra $800-$1000 is going to be very helpful.

  • Today’s Plan

    I think I have a good plan for today. After work I am going to see about working for Securitas in a hospital position that they have advertised or whatever else they may have. It’s time for me to make a change in employment. OPS has really changed their attitude towards me and have become less accommodating and friendly. The change is delicate balance between subtle and overt. I guess that’s the best way to describe it. My colleagues and supervisor have become less friendly and more distant towards me. That’s a sign that I have worn out my welcome at OPS and it is time to move on.

    Then this afternoon I am going to give Kid Ridez a call about being a van driver for them. The pay is good at $21.50 per hour and the hours look to be okay. Plus, it is a Monday through Friday position. This I could like and I could lessen my dependence on OPS for a paycheck or maybe leave altogether. I don’t know just yet but we will see what comes down the pike. All I know is that it is time to be proactive instead of purely reactive. Also, I don’t really want to work 7 days a week if it can be avoided.

    I even brought a change of clothes with me so I am ready to go come 11:00am today. I know at my age I do not care much for change. I like routine and predictability. Presently, a routine is difficult to establish because my job hours are all over the place. The idea is to make things easier on my mental state. I figure if I can do that, life will get easier and better.

    Just before I get home in the early afternoon, I have to make a stop at the Department of Labor. This is one fight that I am looking forward to. OPS denied me overtime pay for July 4th because I took vacation time on July 5th. There is nothing in their handbook allowing this or stating this. Instead of fight it, I listened to what the district manager had to say and basically stated that I understood. Now, I’ll take it to labor and file an official complaint. I’m not going to jump through hoops with a company already looking to can me. This will be fun because I may even get a percentage of the penalties and fines assessed to my employer. That would be a nice little windfall to go towards my wedding. I love my baby girl very much. When I say she’s the best, I truly mean it.

  • Days Off

    It is so nice to have some badly needed days off. I managed to get my home lab segmented off from the rest of the home network which I wanted to do for security and privacy. That way if I have guests and they bring their devices, I don’t have to worry as much about viruses. I got that achieved despite it being a pain in the ass. Well, okay, it’s mostly achieved as I still do not understand why my industrial grade OPNsense router is not properly routing WireGuard tunnels but that is troubleshooting for another day. Everything else works including my blog, email, and Mastodon. I am good to go.

    Now I am just chilling with Denisse on the couch and doing my semi-daily blog entry. I did a gummy last night and I am still feeling no pain from it. I love the relaxed, no-care, and emotional pain-free feeling. Everything in my life, save for Denisse, is utter shit right now and I am oddly okay with it. I say oddly because it’s not exactly normal to feel okay about a shit situation. Well, acceptance of things you cannot change is good I guess.

    I am getting Denisse’s birthday gift early this year. I’m buying her a Samsung Galaxy S25 for her 50th. But since things like color and case need to be picked out, it’s something that she should really be involved in. I can deal with having the shitty phone for a bit. She deserves something nice. I also feel good about being able to do something nice for her.

  • Saturday Double Shift

    I had difficulty sleeping last night so it was one of those very rare times that I could answer the security operations center when they reached out to me to see if I would do a double shift. Seeing as I couldn’t sleep, I answered that I would and the fact that the site I work at is great! I do need the money as well. This coming week’s paycheck is going to look very nice but I hope I do not burn out. I am not quite a spring chicken anymore.

    I still feel surprisingly good and I managed to write another 600 words on my book. My goal is to average 400-600 words per day of writing. If I can manage that, the book will quickly develop into something. I believe that this is entirely possible provided that I remain in decent health and do not get sick. I am trying to write from a stream of consciousness and not be too concerned with anything other than putting thoughts to paper. This is what my therapist, Nan, would recommend.

    The book I am working on is basically about building home computer labs and growing them in increasing complexities and features. The chapter I am working on is the planning stage. It’s a bit dry but necessary.

  • Some Deep Thinking

    Last night and this morning I find myself doing some really deep thinking about some various, yet oddly interconnecting ways. Last night I was thinking about time and the white persons’ peculiar preoccupation with it. Yes, time is a unique preoccupation of people of Caucasian persuasion and I know it because I am that person and I hate it. Time is a meaningless social construct designed to control us. I want to go back to an era when the only measure of “time” that mattered was the changing of the seasons. Or even for the nomadic peoples, the migrations of animal herds and shepherding.

    Then this morning I was thinking about self-identity and how I identify, and by proxy, we, identity ourselves. Again, it seems to be a uniquely white concept to identify ourselves by what we do. I am trying to break myself of this habit. I want to identify myself by my hobbies, loves, interests, and passions. Work only need be what I do to make ends meet. I realize I spend an arguably disproportionate amount of time defining myself as a security guard instead of a Linux power user cum expert, a motorcycle rider, an animal rights advocate, and a radical progressive leftist. That sounds a lot better than an occupation that the media has turned everyone against.

    I really want to have a personal reboot on my thinking. It begins with realizing I am more than what I do for a living. I do need to upgrade my security guard license to an armed one so that my earning potential reaches low to mid $20s per hour. That I do not mind so much because more money may help me hate what I am doing less – 😆. If having a bit more money provides a bit less stress and makes self-identification easier, then I am all for it!

    I have some life options ahead of me. I don’t see myself affording a car anytime soon and I am bleeding red ink over Uber and Lyft rides. In order to see more of my hard-earned money, having a little electric scooter would be very welcome and nice. It would save me probably in the neighborhood of $150-$200 a month. That’s a lot of money maybe 27% of a single paycheck that was spent in commute alone. I already took a look at my cell phone bill and got it down by about $35 a month. Every little bit adds up.

  • Unbelievably Pissed Off

    As the title reads, I am so angry I could cry. I rarely get this angry and incensed that I am beyond yelling or even silent anger – this is one of those times. I just watched a segment on YouTube from vlogger Lindey Glenn called People With Jobs Are Sleeping in Their Cars Now. I agree with about 99% of the content that Lindey puts up. About 1% of the stuff she puts up though is capitalist apologia and I don’t care much for that as I think it detracts from her overall vibe and message. Anyhow, I digress as the episode put me in a very dark and angry place. There is truly no hope for the United States now and it really doesn’t matter what political aisle you identify yourself on.

    With thanks to politicians of Democratic and Republican persuasion we have effectively criminalized homelessness. We have found a way to do a complete end-run around the constitution which expressly forbids criminalizing a status. I am so angry and sad. It’s going to take a fucking miracle to fix this and there is no political will to do so because the venture capitalists have actually bought up all of the housing resources, alternative or otherwise, and made basic living impossible. I am autistic and will not survive 12 hours, let alone 24, living on the street. Is life worth living if I cannot even lead it in basic safety and dignity!? I am really thinking right now.

    Maybe it is dangerous to think this deeply so late at night when the night demons come out. The night demons are real for people that suffer from major depressive and generalized anxiety disorders like myself. Yes, this is a very real phenomenon. I am feeling so much right now that it will be a good thing I am seeing my therapist tomorrow. I feel so much right now that I know the only thing that will improve things for me will be talk therapy to help stop the swirling thoughts. Not even sleep is helping me recover.

    On top of all of this, I think I might have been the victim of a job search scam. This is not of those direct monetary ones but one where the company posts a fake job and then requires their candidates to “solve a problem” or “complete a task.” They do this knowing people will jump through hoops in these economic times. This task was especially difficult but I did solve it. The more I think about it, the more I think this was a phantom job offer. It only made me angrier! I need to sleep this off.

  • To The Salt Mines

    Today begins a 7 day streak of work. While I am not thrilled about it, I will manage. At least during the week, I am only working 4 hour shifts. That makes things much more manageable. Today I shall live in the present as I did yesterday. I will enjoy the challenges that Linux and BSD provide.

    I would like to look for work right now. It’s something I want to do but I’ll end up doing it passively because the grass is not greener on the other side. The schedule I have now works despite not quite being ideal. At least work is easy enough.

    This morning I want to get my private cloud going. I had time this morning to install the operating system and I chose Alpine Linux for its small, efficient footprint. I’m finding that there is an ideal Linux distribution for just about every scenario. The only 2 Linux distributions that I dislike are Ubuntu and Mint. They’ve been as troublesome as Windows.

  • Mourning The Loss of a Dream

    I’m mourning the loss of my dream to one day have land in the mountains. I think I have come to the sad realization that I won’t be climbing out of poverty. I’m thinking the coming years are only going to be increasingly difficult. I fear that my life is going to be one of survival. Perhaps I’ve accepted this. But that doesn’t mean I cannot create new and very practical dreams.

    Since my prescriber has added Abilify to my regimen, I’m doing mentally better. Instead of feeling like I could break down and cry, I feel like I honestly could create new dreams that will be every bit as good and more achievable. I wonder what the coming days will bring. I know I’ll be in survival mode for a while because the economy is bad. I’m fortunate enough to even have this low end job. Service jobs are even hard to get!

    For the time being, I’m trying to live in the present, go to work, and do what I love which is working on my home lab. I’m not going to think more than a few days ahead. This is still living in the present. I feel good when given a good mental challenge and task.

    The next mission is to setup a private cloud with Nextcloud!

  • The Positive Trend Continues

    It looks like the positive trend is continuing because I woke up and felt like smiling. I cannot say that I have felt like this in many, many weeks. Even this low dose of Abilify at only 2mg seems to be augmenting the Fluvoxamine antidepressant that I am on. I hope that the trend at least continues. I am on a low dose so I hope that the risk of tardive dyskinesia is low. That’s what happened to me on on the higher dosages, those at 5mg and above. I had some uncontrolled facial movements. I think I just want enough to work even minimally.

    Last week was one of the worst weeks I have had in a while. I am happy it is over and I can look forward. The one takeaway from it is that I am strong, perhaps stronger than I believe. My therapist is correct in her observations. Today I want to take a sobering look at the potential next steps for my life since Uber is no longer going to be a possibility. If entrepreneurship is still a potential goal, I have to figure out a way to get my name out there.

    The main thing for the next three days, today included, is to rest. If ideas come to me, I will simply jot them down for further exploration and examination next week. My brain needs rest after this week and definitely not further stimulation. I’ve been over-stimulated as a result of the anxiety and depression. The feeling has been super unpleasant so keeping things wound down will be welcome. It may be a challenge to simply jot the idea down for later examination because my particular symptoms of autism wants for me to act on them right away. That simply will not do right now.

    I want to watch some movies and shows with Denisse and just let my worries disappear for a while. I would even enjoy simply keeping Denisse company while she studies for a bit. I could peck away on my laptop.

  • I’m Nervous

    I am,as they say in the southern US, “Jittery as a junebug.” Tomorrow I will be renting a car from Uber and be beginning my journey as a rideshare driver. The weekly rental fee is not too bad and the vehicle is an electric one that I will be able to charge at EvGO charging stations. I plan on purchasing a monthly membership to cut down on the expense of rapid charging. I worry that I will not be able to make up the cost of renting the vehicle and I know I will have to bust my ass in order to make any kind of money. I am scared, nervous, and I feel like the proverbial failure before I’ve even gotten started.

    This is a very unpleasant way to feel but I shall do my utmost best to earn a living. The worst case scenario is that this does not pan out and I go back to ground zero. That might not be so bad but I’ll put in the efforts. I also just feel defeated mentally, like there is no way out of the fix that I am in. Maybe I am starting to develop some suicidal ideation again. Maybe I just want to be completely left alone. Like I do not want anyone else around. This is not a good place to be in.

    I think I need some activity and to see that I can earn money and I can make it. I need some confidence boosters where I have almost 0 to none right now. The most I have to look forward will be an unbearably hot summer – a summer that I already know will be virtually relentless.