I feel like I have absolutely no agency in my own life. I mean none whatsoever. I have no say and no control and I simply feel like a pinball bouncing off of mechanical bumpers. My section 8 housing has not quite lived up to the promise of being a good place to stay. The place I am in is basically a slum and my landlord is a slumlord. The landlord has no incentive to make the place nice because they are making money from Housing and Urban Development (HUD) and the State of Delaware. I feel that my complaints of the clogged sink went unheeded and unrecognized and I cannot shave because the sink has stagnant water in it.
Furthermore, my housemates are nothing but pigs that simply wallow in their own filth. One day, I am going to snap pictures of their rooms and your jaw will drop. It makes living in this place a depressing experience. As I mentioned before, It makes me feel as if I lack any agency or control at all in my own life. My credit is shot to hell and I don’t earn enough money to live even in a studio apartment in the city where I am currently reside. I know that I am not the only one in this situation and part of me knows I should feel gratitude for not being homeless but that “gratitude” is what the wealthy want people like me to feel. The wealthy want us poors grateful for the scraps they throw at us; like dirty, flea-bitten, half-starved dogs.
I guess I could also say that I am happy at least I have a working computer and internet. This does allow me to do things like blog and stay current in the world. Furthermore, it allows me to do this online, self-paced course on web development called The Odin Project. Maybe if I can successfully complete this course it could be a way out of this hellscape? Who knows? The way America is going there might not even be a country left by the time of the election in November. Maybe my I give a damn has totally busted.
It’s days like these that I wish I could just drink myself into a stupor but I am alcohol-free due to the medications that I take. The risk of interaction is just too high for too little potential reward. Gaaahhh!!! I am so angry I want to scream. I just cannot find any gratitude anymore for the scraps being thrown at me. My situation makes me understand how others in the same boat might want to snap. I think I’ve done all of the studying and thinking I can do for today.
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