Black Cat Blog

Yes, double shift Sunday has arrived and I don’t know how I am going to make it through when I lack motivation. I really could care less about the job and the people here. As they say, my give a damn is busted. Fortunately, I have some nice irons in the fire and some good opportunities on the horizon.

I think I will just do the very bare minimum necessary today. At least it’s supposed to rain all day so people will mostly remain indoors and that means less work all around.

I am looking forward to Thursday when I go to get my hearing aids. It will be so much better to be able to hear people with significantly less difficulty. That alone. I’m grateful to my Vocational Rehabilitation counselor, Becca, for all she has done for me. Becca is amazing and I have to tell her manager how much I appreciate her. Fortunately, her manager is really decent guy and not self-serving at all so he will make certain to convey the kudos.

I really need these next 90 days to go as fast as possible because I want to start my MSW program. I’m excited about the world of social work and starting to help better people’s lives. I’m chomping at the bit to get going. It will be great to be in an academic environment again and to have my brain formally engaged and challenged.

I’m also happy that the practicum won’t be a full time job. It will be immersive and a good experience but much more manageable. This means I’ve got Tuesdays and Thursdays to really dedicate to studying. I can take the bus to the University of Delaware early and hit the library for some productive study time.

For the time being though, I am hoping this opportunity comes through for part time work that gets me away from security and into something better for me. I should know more within a few days. Those who know me, know that I am an atheist and therefore not a praying man but I am saying a little prayer for The Heartlight Foundation to get its grant. I love what they do!

The Heartlight Foundation is a new non-profit that is helping people find good, meaningful jobs. I like the founders so much that I am going to do some free CIO work for them. I also think that they’re going to invite me to be a board member. It won’t pay anything but the experience will be invaluable.

This weekend is going to be a long and unpleasant weekend. I’m just bracing myself for the whole affair. Today I work for 8 hours and tomorrow I work for 16. The money will be helpful but I don’t need the exhaustion. I don’t really know what I was thinking when I agreed to my boss’ request. I need to stop being a people pleaser.

My morning got so much better; not really. Cameras went down in one of the buildings. Well, I am a short timer so I don’t really care. Everything about this job sucks and I cannot wait to get out from under it. I’m even willing to take a cut in pay.

I feel frustrated and angry this morning but this is vastly preferable to depression. It’s like I don’t know what I am doing wrong and why I cannot catch a break. Well, I guess there’s no point in further bitching and complaining. I have a mission this week and it’s getting a basic website up and going.

I used ChatGPT to generate some ideas for a website for my business that I can then implement in WordPress. I’ll make it my mission this week to have something beautiful and basic up. That way I won’t feel as angry and frustrated.

Well I guess I’d better get back to acting like I am working. I really don’t care about this job. I don’t give a flying fuck about it and I am ready for something a whole lot better.

I’m feeling a lot better physically today. I know what caused the migraine I had yesterday or at least I am fairly certain. I forgot to take my morning antidepressant. This time I remembered and took it as soon as my phone reminded me; no hemming and hawing.

This weekend is going to be a long one as I will be putting in 24 total hours of work. I’ve got 8 hours of work on Saturday and a double shift on Sunday. I don’t know why I agreed to do this but I did. I guess because I gave my notice and want to leave on good terms. I’m hoping that I will but one never knows anymore.

Today I have to make a Walmart order. I hate doing business with that company but affordability reigns supreme at the moment. At least I use Walmart+ so I get everything delivered and do not have to walk into the store anymore. That’s kind of nice. Going to the grocery store is sensory overload for me and always has been. I hate it.

I am thinking of going to the library in downtown Wilmington today just to get out of the house for a bit. I have some books to return anyways so I might as well get that done. I love libraries. They’re almost like the last bastion of free thought and information in the US. You’re free to just be in the library without the expectation of spending money.

I still didn’t sleep so well last night because I was hot and had really weird and vivid dreams. At least they weren’t nightmares. So, I’ll take that as a win. Now I’m going to nap for a bit.

I didn’t sleep well last night and I finally got out of bed at 6am with a roaring headache that just won’t go away. I don’t know if it’s stress or if my blood pressure is taking a higher trend. Even though it’s only pushing 9am, I’m writing this on my iPhone as I’m lying down. Maybe it’s just approaching the weekend and I’m feeling anxious about having to go to work?

I don’t really have much in the way of other news except I finally settled on a business name, Avvira LLC. It’s pronounced like av-vee-rah. Unfortunately, avvira.com was unavailable so I had to settle on avvira.us. Once I get a decent cash flow, I’ll make an offer on avvira.com. I probably should buy the avviratherapy.com domain for when I register a DBA and form a practice 4-5 years in the future.

I had a grand goal of writing a business plan today but that may not happen as I have brain fog at moment. I guess if I could maybe just find some good resources that would teach me how to write a business plan I would be happy. That would be productive enough.

It looks like I might actually be starting my business early. I had a really productive meeting with my employment specialist yesterday where we discussed goals and objectives. I told her that I would really like to be more entrepreneurial and do work on a 1099 basis for other companies and businesses. The employment specialist that I am working with, Wendy, believes she has some ideas so it’s time for me to take some action.

I took my first step by buying the domain name avviragroup.com. The next step will be to engage ZenBusiness to create the LLC. I’m torn between calling it Avvira Group LLC or simply Avvira LLC. I just don’t know yet. I’m thinking of just calling my business Avvira Group LLC and leaving it at that. I can always register a DBA at a later point.

I hope Wendy can come up with some really cool leads and I can become entrepreneurial. Once I get some gigs lined up, I will fully get my LLC created. I’m really finished being a security guard. Times are a whole lot different now and it’s not really safe to be an unarmed security guard anymore. It’s just too dangerous.

In the mean time, today I really have to finish up my resume and get it ready for submission to DVR. Also, I need to sit down and formally write a business plan for Avvira Group LLC. It needs to cover about 6 years of projected growth and evolution.

Today I have my second appointment with a service provider through Delaware Department of Vocational Rehabilitation. I really like Heartlight Foundation because they really care and are super dynamic. I feel unworthy of their help actually. I couldn’t even manage to write a resume worthy of anything. Well, at least I have a topic worthy of discussion with Wendy so maybe I will get somewhere. At any rate, I am hoping to do some volunteer work for Heartlight just to help them because I believe in their mission; solid as it is.

I have my therapy appointment this afternoon and it cannot come soon enough. I really have a lot to discuss. It’s time to talk about all the unresolved baggage I have from teenage years through adulthood. I don’t want to discuss it but I know that in order to move forward, I must begin to bring closure to it. I feel like a really broken man. It’s not a good feeling either. I feel like one of those old time kitty clocks just winding down and waiting to die. It’s a sad state.

By all rights I feel that rationally I should be happy. I mean I got into my top choice MSW program and I am on track for a major positive life change, yet that feeling has worn off. Maybe it has worn off because I’ve already had two practicum interviews that there’s no sugar coating how poorly I did. I reasonably thought that interviewing is my skill.

I have new worries now. It appears that early cognitive decline may run in my family. My dad is 78 years old and has dementia. My mom is 78 and struggles with critical thinking but she’s aware of it and working with a neurologist. Hopefully, as I age these things will be better understood through science. This will only happen if we defeat Christian Nationalism in the US.

I know I am rambling but it’s easier for me to ramble because it quiets my thoughts. I’m also concerned about RFK Jr’s push for “wellness farms” as an answer to alcohol and drug addiction, a “cure“ for ADHD and autism, and for getting off of antidepressants. His premise is that organic foods is the cure all. This premise has been founded on thoroughly disproven theories. When it has been tried in the past, it’s lead to rather profound human rights abuses. For the time being, he’s only made mention that this would be voluntary. But we all now how fascism shapes out so this would quickly become forced. We need some level of fight.

I was feeling so depressed today that I took a walk to try and clear my head. The walk really didn’t help. I sat down on a rocking chair on the porch at around 10:30 this morning and still feeling very low when one of the neighborhood cats named Reggie approached me. I saw him walk up the stairs, and as he got closer, he meowed. Reggie has a very sad and mournful meow which just caused me to start sobbing. He jumped into my lap and began pressing his face against mine. Normally, the antidepressants that I take cause me not to be able to cry so I have to be very upset.

The relief was quite palpable however and Reggie stayed with me until I started to calm down and then he jumped down and made his way onward. That cat gave a gift I had really needed, the relief of the depression that was really plaguing me. I took a few moments to gather myself and went back up the stairs to my apartment. The post-sadness relief left me so exhausted that I laid down for a two hour nap. Let’s just say that I don’t feel joy but I am at least at baseline right now.

I can handle feeling at baseline. It’s a lot better than the alternative. All of the uncertainty in the world and the uncertainty in my life finally boiled over I guess. Reggie communicated more empathy and understanding than a human being ever could in that moment. Felines work in amazing ways; truly they do. I needed Reggie’s meow as a relief valve for the emotional pain I was feeling.

A new week is starting for me and I am sitting down to write a blog post in the hopes that it can get my creative brain synapses flowing. This morning my goal is to explore UpWork and Fiverr in the hopes of maybe getting some contract gigs and replacing them with my weekend security guard job. I cannot do this weekend security guard job any longer as it’s really taking a toll on my mental health and therefore is probably impacting my physical health as well. I am so glad that the weekend is over.

So the mission for this morning is to learn how to write a resume for an Applicant Tracking System and to actually write one. This way I can get started on UpWork and Fiverr. I think this is going to challenging enough because so far the Google results are just netting things that want me to pay a fee. No, I am not going to pay a fee for this service. There has to be some free resources out there. It may take a while but I am determined to find something.

My mind feels like it is going in 360 different directions and my thoughts, while not exactly racing, are moving fairly quickly so this blog entry is really designed to slow things down simply so I can be productive. Plus, I need to get this done so that I am ready for an appointment tomorrow. I am a little bit under the gun to have something turned in. I have resume writer’s block.

I’m feeling a bit defeated this morning because I had some false hope about finding contract work yesterday. I think I am back to the drawing board but that happens when building a business. At least I had nothing invested other than time and I was doing the research while working so really nothing was lost.

Maybe I thought erroneously that the bad economy would be encouraging more businesses to actively seek 1099 temporary help? I really don’t know on that front. I just know that I hate my security guard gig with a passion. This has to be – hands down – the worst security job that I have ever had. It’s the most disorganized and run by the most incompetent leadership I have ever seen.

I have to make some plans for tomorrow so that I am not just doing idle activities. I would like to have my day count for having done something other than watching television. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I will gin up a to-do list.

For now, I just have to make it through the day somehow. It’s tough when you work a job that’s so thoroughly demoralizing. Maybe I’ll continue to do some more research into 1099 contract options. I just don’t know.

Given everything that has gone down this past week, my timeline for going into business for myself might have just accelerated. This week on my todo list is to try to get approved to become a benefits counselor for Social Security and see if I can contract with the Delaware Department of Labor Vocational Rehabilitation. That’s going to be for Monday morning.

I’m also going to see about gig work on Fiverr. I wonder if there will be opportunities for things like copyediting and proofreading. I’ll also check out UpWork. Gig work isn’t lucrative by any means but perhaps I could find a way to replace the security guard income that I am about to lose.

I guess I need to brainstorm other ideas as well. I just discovered NoGigiddy and I think when I get home this afternoon that I am going to sign up for it. Anything I can do to make some extra cash.

I have to continue to brainstorm ideas though. The more entrepreneurial I can be the better. If I can get some regular money flowing in the door that doesn’t involve the bullshit of working as a security guard, I think the happier I will ultimately be. It will be even better if I could do it on a work from home or remote basis.