Black Cat Blog

I am just a straight up asshole. I’ve become my father in my old age and I hate it. I don’t know what to do because I recognize the signs and symptoms but I don’t know what to do about it. I hate myself. I absolutely hate myself and I don’t know how I can reasonably expect to be a good therapist if I am effectively a low grade narcissist. I seem to think of myself only and I just don’t know how to be any different.

I thought I was a different person. I thought I was more learned and more aware but I am not. I’m just an autistic fuck up, an angry piece of shit. I ruined my girlfriend’s birthday because I am so damned self-centered but not intentionally so. I should be single. I should just not ruin other people’s lives.

Fuck me! It’s hot and I’m a goddamned loser and nobody should do a thing for me. I just take, take, take and don’t seem to give back. I’ve lived a lie. All I do is hurt and disappoint those that care about me. I sadden them and make nothing of myself. I just want to sit here and cry. I’m no better than any of Denisse’s other boyfriends. The only thing I don’t do is abuse her. I’m still an asshole. I don’t know how to be good at relationships. I am not good at reading emotions or anticipating needs and it’s no excuse. I don’t know how to be better. I don’t understand why I can’t be normal.

I’m just so full of self loathing right now. I’d cry but I’m not even worth the self-pity. I don’t know why I even try.

It’s the evening of Friday, July 4th and I am sitting in my office and hearing the fireworks go off. I cannot help but think of these idiots celebrating the arrival of fascism by launching a bunch of noise-making explosive devices and stupidly proclaiming their love for a country that does not give a rat fuck about them. I just wanted to sit on the porch with my two furry friends, Namba and Reggie; the neighborhood kitties. I have this nice evening ritual with them where I feed them some pepperoni sticks, they purr for bit and lie down next to my rocking chair and we just relax. It’s a time for me to feel good and for them to feel safe for a bit.

Tomorrow I am going to go to the library again for a spell just to get out of the house. I was supposed to work this weekend but my bootlicking boss texted me today and cancelled my shifts. So no money for me this weekend. Well, tomorrow I am going to make hay while the sun is shining and get my resume ready for Darren Vilman who is going to try to place me in a weekend data entry role. Well, he’s not going to try all that hard because he’s making me do all the sales work being the douche nozzle that he comes off as. But I guess these days the candidates have to do all the work. I hate recruiters! They’re just bottom-feeding critters.

I really want to hear about some news re the July 4th protests. I hope there was a good solid turnout of people! I doubt that any head way was really made but it’s still good to see people out there and active. The politicians still do what they want anyways because they don’t fear the people like they should. Government should fear the people and not vice versa. The whole situation in America is getting dire. I don’t like it in the least. I wish I had tried harder to find a protest to attend today. Instead I was simply full of apathy and anger.

I’m going to the library today just for an escape. It’s one of my favorite places because you can just be at the library. You’re not expected to spend money or make purchases. You have the freedom to simply exist without suspicion. It’s the last indoor place in America with that freedom. I had to get out of the house because the house was feeling like a prison of sorts.

It’s nice to simply leave. I don’t know yet what fun things I am going to explore but I might simply read for entertainment. I do need to be back home by about 5ish for some deliveries though so I’ll plan to be back by then. I might even see what kinds of business ideas there are. I don’t know why I am so filled with personal doubts right now. I’m doubtful about everything. That’s the low grade depression talking.

I might even wander the aisles and see what catches my eyes. That’s the cool thing about the library. It’s kind of like, okay what do you want to learn about today? What would you like to teach yourself today? So I could also figure out some learning journey to embark on. That’s an option too.

Trump’s craziness has killed the economy. I’m out of work and don’t know what to do. I’m waiting to be kicked off of Social Security Disability. It’s just a matter of when and not if. I know I need a little escape. The library will be just that.

I’m sitting here at the desk on my last day at the housing authority as a security guard and I thought I would be feeling excited, relieved, and happy. I’m surprised to discover that instead I am not. I’m feeling sad and worthless, like I couldn’t hack it as a security guard so how can I reasonably expect to hack it as a mental health therapist!? I feel washed up like I’m undeserving of any kind of second chance whatsoever. Maybe my girlfriend should just walk away and leave me.

I’m not religious in the least but maybe something in the universe is trying to tell me something; just fucking give up, just quit while you’re not ahead. I don’t know how I am going to make it when I just want to cry but I cannot do it yet. I just have to fight back the tears for 7 more hours. Once I get off I can let the damn break if that’s what I must do. I’m sick of things being so hard and I am tired of the fight that life is right now. I wish for once something would come easy.

I’m struggling badly because not even my home computer lab is lifting my spirits. I simply cannot sink into a depression with school coming up. This must not be a possibility. I have to make it through the summer somehow. I have to make it to August 26th; a step at a time and a grind at a time. If I don’t I will be letting myself down and will have no good options left career wise.

In the mean time I have to find a way to survive this. I’ll just take it one day at a time and even one hour if I must. This is how the Navy SEALs survive BUD/s. I’ll face one challenge at a time. Today’s challenge is to make it to 11PM without tears flowing. 6.5 hours remaining now.

This morning I am starting my book, The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Home Computer Labs. I just need to get my brain engaged with a little free wheel writing first. I had really decent night’s sleep which kind of surprised me because I hadn’t slept so well this weekend. But now I feel rested and ready to tackle this little goal of mine. I am going to use ChatGPT but only to generate an outline with which to work from and also an outline of a book proposal to help me get started.

I don’t know that I will write the next best seller or anything but I sure am going to give this the old college try as they say. Plus it will give me a few things to do to keep me busy in a positive way. In other news, I am celebrating my final day as a security guard at the Wilmington Housing Authority! I am so relieved to be done there as I hated the job with the fire of 1000 suns. Only 8 more hours and I will be free as a bird.

I am hoping to spend 1-2 hours this morning working the book. I’ll be satisfied if I can achieve this. Then it will be a good day!

This morning I’m angry because I’m working a double shift and I feel like I am living in a prison without any walls; like a dog living in a yard with an invisible fence. It’s an awful feeling and one without an escape but that’s how it feels exactly. I think I need to learn to set boundaries when it comes to employers. The trouble is that I am a people pleaser. But learning to say no is a powerful and necessary thing.

At least I managed to advance things along with Uber this morning. I found out what was stopping the background check from completing. Apparently, I forgot to tell them that I would be renting a car. Now, hopefully within a few days, I will be approved and maybe I can start the hustle. I hate the whole hustle culture that is America but I’ll do what I have to do for the time being.

It’s really tough being high functioning autistic in a neurotypical world. I think I am finally understanding where my anger is coming from. It is coming from the exhaustion at constantly having to mask and act normal in order to be accepted by the world at large instead of being able to be myself. It’s no wonder I am happiest in cyberspace where I am free to be myself.

I really feel taken advantage of by my present employer. It’s going to feel good to get out of this situation and into something maybe better. I hope I can swing this. I’m facing 2 really difficult years ahead. I’ve bitten off quite a challenge to go to graduate school full time. I hope I didn’t make a poor decision. I just know that I want to get my MSW done and over with as soon as possible.

Well, I do feel more relaxed after writing this. Journaling is such a good coping skill for me. At least I feel calm again and I’ll be able to much better deal with the rest of the day. I have the rest of my Dunkin cold brew coffee to consume which will hopefully keep me awake.

With all of the depressing news out there in the world, sometimes I think ignorance is best. I just don’t want to learn anymore but I know that ignorance will make the problem worse. I hopped on to Mastodon this evening to catch up and see what my cyberfriends are up to and I read about what Trump and his cronies are up to and I just get saddened. I know I need to be informed about what is going on in the world. But I just don’t know where to begin fighting.

I had a rather productive day and got a lot accomplished. I set up a small virtual machine within my server specifically for my business. I set it up to have 2 vCPUs, 4GB of RAM, and 120GB HD. That should be plenty to get me started. The only thing I have to do really is to implement DKIM signing and anti-spam measures and the email sending will be good to go. Right now, I can at least receive mail on my business email address. That’s good enough for today. I did set up WordPress for the skeleton of the website and Nextcloud for the file storage particulars.

This evening there is a live comedy event on YouTube that my good friend told me about. My girlfriend and I are going to check it out this evening at 8 to see if it’s worthwhile. I’m going to have wake up at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow because I have a double shift at work. I hate working 16 hours but I need the money and I told my boss I’d do it. I wish I had not agreed to it because it’s always a one way street with employers. They take, take, take and never give anything back when you need something.

Today I also had to spend 89 bucks on a medication refill because Walgreens decided they wouldn’t take GoodRx because I have prescription insurance on file. Walgreens is just a greedy corporation. They said it is “corporate policy” but really they wanted 89 bucks over the GoodRx 36.99 price. But all those greedy fucks do is apologize while laughing because they have a monopoly in my area. Their store looks so ghetto. When you walk in, the floor buckles and you feel like you could fall to your death. Don’t get me going any further …. I guess I could have gone to Walmart but that would have been an hour bus trip, pick up the prescription, wait 30-40 minutes for the return bus, then an hour trip back. Still I think I should have done that. The savings would have been worthwhile.

I forgot to give Uber a call and see what they need from me to become approved as a driver. Damnit! I’d meant to do that. I was so exhausted from getting angry about being forced to spent almost a hundred bucks for generic Ambien that, when I got home, I crashed hard and took a nap. That will be on the to-do list for Monday morning. I have to work Monday afternoon from 3-11.

As the title reads, I don’t really have anything profound to write. I’m just overheated, angry, and frustrated. Literally every little sensation is bothering me right now and I just want to jump out of my own skin. I wish I could articulate why I feel so overstimulated because normally I’m comfortable at home. I guess it just has to be the heat.

I’m in a situation with my current employer that sucks. I’m just going to name and shame them: OPS Security Group. I thought they would be a different kind of company but it turns out that they suck too. Even as a part time employee, I am supposed to accrue PTO and I have 8.33 hours. But every time I try to use it, I get denied. What the actual fuck then!? I think I’m just altogether done with them and ready to move on. Maybe I am also done with security too.

I’m going to try something I’ve never thought that I never thought I would try: Uber driving. Am I that desperate? Well, I guess maybe I am. I’m going to have to see what I can earn. I really hate hustle culture but that’s America; hustle or die. So hustle I will.

Well, I’m broiling and there’s no escaping the heat. It’s making me kind of sick to be honest. Maybe I’m not even thinking straight anymore. I don’t really know. Well, I’ve written enough. I’d better clean up my dinner dishes.

Well it’s another Sunday and I am at my job and I feel perfectly miserable. I just want to give the proverbial middle finger to the bosses but I know that will go over like a lead balloon. I hate America. I hate living here and I hate that everything is work, work, and more work. I wish we would all rise up and demand what we are entitled to.

Since I’m pretty tired I ordered some iced coffee in the hopes that it might just get me the boost that I need this morning. I got myself a bagel as well. It’s going to be a very hot and humid day; more like July than August. I’m trying to find something to be positive for and it just does not seem to be happening.

I just feel really angry this morning. I just want to explode at the world but that won’t do any good and will likely get me fired or worse. But I did have a good chat with my Uber driver on the way in and he gave me something to research. I won’t get excited yet but I’ll look into it. I might be able to rent a car and then drive for Uber. It might be better than doing this security guard shit I’m doing now.

I have a feeling that today’s shift is going to be a long, drawn out one. I just have to survive 8 hours today. That’s it and that’s all. I can do this or at least I think I can.

I’m feeling really stupid now. I made so many mistakes and I’m paying the piper for them. I thought I hated my career in IT. It turns out that I really didn’t really hate my IT career in the way I thought I did. I think I just hate Windows more and hated everything to do with Windows. I wish I had specialized when I had the opportunity to do so. I wish I had taken the advice I was offered. I would have gotten the Red Hat Enterprise Linux certifications and tried to find work.

Well, it’s far too late now. I’m old and age discrimination is a real thing in IT. That and the present job market in technology is awful. Experienced and certified professionals with advanced college degrees are struggling to find work at their level. They cannot even find low level help desk jobs that they’re overqualified for. So yeah, I’m feeling really down in the dumps.

I’m far better at Linux than I ever was at Windows because I have a strong interest in the software. Linux fascinates me in a way that Windows never will. If only I could rewind my life 10-12 years and actively pursue Linux as a career. But I can’t and the ship has sailed.

I hope that I’ve made the right decision to become a therapist. But only time will really tell. I think I have and a few other folks believe so. I guess I’ll just keep on using Linux as a hobby. Maybe that’ll provide enjoyment. I just hate that I’m starting over yet again. Starting over at 48 is not easy. It’s hard. It’s challenging.

I’m trying not to beat up on myself but it’s hard. If I were experienced in Linux, I could’ve been making some serious money right now. But who knows…I could be unemployed too.